The Secret Diary of Arthur Kirkland
by Startled Boris
Summary: A dictaphone is found containing what appears to be the ravings of a madman or could they be the inner-most thoughts of the personification of the Nation known as the United Kingdom? Warning: Swearing. Genre: Idiocy, sexual innuendo.
1. Chapter 1

As an esteemed member of Her Majesty's press corps working for The Mirror, I came into my possession a Dictaphone containing many hours of recordings – all of the same voice, an educated middle-class Englishman who called himself 'Arthur Kirkland'. Initially, after listening to the first few recordings I assumed it was the ravings of a madman, however, to be on the safe side (as a journalist no evidence is dismissed and thrown away) I took a friend of mine from the Government's Foreign Office for a quiet drink. After a very liquid lunch and several whiskies, the official – let's call him 'Bob' (I never reveal my sources) confirmed that I should accept the recordings as a true and valid account. He advised me to burn them and that they should never have fallen into 'human' – his words, not mine – hands. However, as a member of the Free Press, I have transcribed the recordings verbatim and publish them here for the general public. My name remains anonymous. Take the accounts I publish here as you will – the ravings of a lunatic or the personal recollections of the human personification of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

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><p>The Diary of Arthur Kirkland (Aged 1000+ years) Transcript 1 - date unknown<p>

Bloody blasting hell. Not happy, not happy at all. Why am I talking to this little box anyway, where's the pause button, oh hell. No tea in the house, another damn meeting to go to. If France tries to grope me again I will start another 100 years war and I don't care what my boss says.

My boss at the moment told me I should get all my frustrations out with a therapist. This was some hippy girl called Miriam who wore a long skirt, long earrings and obviously didn't know how to wash her hair. She scribbled a lot in her pad and then gave me some ink drawings to look at. I identified one as 'Francis', one as 'America' and one looked suspiciously like a pair of breasts. I suspect the woman needs a therapist herself. She told me to keep a note of my feelings. But as England, Great Britain, the great Nation, I can't just keep a diary here or there – it would be so easy for my enemies to get hold of. I told her this but she just raised an eyebrow, made another note and said something about 'Napoleon Syndrome'. When I told her I'd beaten that little French tart – of course with the aid of the magnificent Duke of Wellington – dear old Wellesley – another Arthur – how I miss him – she kept writing and then handed me a prescription for Prozac.

So I went out and bought this little box with so many buttons on it called a Dictaphone. Alfred would say I'm Captain Obvious again as I'm talking into you. Blast it all, where's that off...

**Author's Note: The Mirror is a popular newspaper in the United Kingdom.**


	2. Chapter 2

Please note dear readers that the words in italics are when the Dictaphone is switched on and the dialogue is from person or persons unknown. Also it appears from this second transcript that Arthur starts calling his Dictaphone 'Diane'.

Transcript 2 – date 11th April 2011

I'm in France. Yes, France. People are looking at me in a funny way, but that's because I'm talking into this box thingy. I've actually got used to this Dictaphone thing. You've become a bit like a friend to me these last couple of days. It's nice to talk to someone other than Tinkerbell, Captain Hook and Flying Mint Bunny. I'm going to call you Diane. It sounds much nicer than boxy thing. And I can pretend you are my secretary or something. A bit like Miss Moneypenny for James Bond.

Well, Diane, here I am in Paris. Have I just said that? Oh yes. It's quite a pretty place I suppose. They obviously drive too bloody fast and they park anywhere. Bloody French. And they drive on the wrong side of the road. Their bread tastes funny as well and they can't make tea if their lives depended on it.

Where's the meeting place anyway? How do you say where is in French? Ou est? Is that right? Sounds bloody odd to me.

Excusez me? Monsieur le frog? Ou est la hotel du lac au Paris?

_Dictaphone is switched off_

Hello Diane, sorry about that. What a palaver. Why do these Parisians not understand a poor chappie's French? Here I am at the hotel where the meeting is being held. I hope to God it will be a short one.

_Scuffles_

What do you mean it's on the top floor? Is this a bloody joke? You non comprendo? Oh blast it. The lift doesn't work? What kind of country is this?

_Honhonhon, my dear l'Angleterre, you are 'ere early to see me, non?_

What the bloody hell? (_whispers_) dear Diane I'm going to put you in my pocket for now, so idiot Francis doesn't see you.

_We could have some little fun before the meeting begins, non?_

I don't bloody think so. Where's everybody else anyway?

_Dude, England! I'm totally coming over there to hug you!_

Alfred! It's nice to see you and...

_Honhonhon, I will leave you two with your special relationship..._

_I have no idea what he means, England. Dude, did you get my text? I need your help today man. I've gotta ask China for another loan, but I think he's going to say no..._

Well, thirteen trillion dollars worth of debt is rather a lot, Alfred. I've told you before about spending. Don't spend more than you earn. It's simple economics.

_Oh man, that's so boring. I had to buy another new mobile, it plays tetris and angry birds. Do you wanna see. _

What happened to your last one?

_I ran over it with my Hummer, man what a humdinger that was. I loved that mobile. I'd had it for two months._

You go through mobile phones like I go through socks.

_Arty? Are we there yet?_

Just a few more floors to go, Alfred, you should lose weight, then you won't be out of breath so easily. I, on the hand, train with the SAS and I watch my diet, I don't sit around all day eating McDonalds and... why's it gone cold?

_That's just cruel, oh hell, man, that commie dude's right behind us! _

_Privet comrades! How are you Mr Amerika? And you Mr England? You look very pale? You are struggling to climb all these stairs Mr Amerika? Capitalism does not keep you fit, nyet?_

_You, huff, aren't so... huff... fit... huff._

_Bye bye, Mr Amerika, I will see you later today when you finally get your big fat American ass up these stairs..._

I hate him.

_Fat Commie Russkie._

He's no longer a communist, Alfred. Phew, floor 16. We're there.

_I need a pee, Arty._

Oh Alfred, honestly. The toilets are down there I reckon. You'd better go before the meeting starts.

_Wait for me, outside, Arty._

Why? I mean how old are you?

_I don't like going in on my own, if that fat commie... okay, that Russkie dude is around. I don't trust Ivan. He shoved my head down the bowl and flushed it once._

I'll wait here for you.

Diane, I'm about to go into a G8 meeting. I'll leave you switched on and then you can see, okay, hear, exactly what idiocy I have to put up with from these morons.


	3. G8 Meeting

**The following is a typed transcript from 'Arthur Kirkland's' Dictaphone which was entitled "Idiots' G8 Meeting". All dialogue is transcribed as recorded word for word. Words in italics are those uttered by people unknown to the author.**

**Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 3 – Idiots' G8 Meeting**

_Dudes I'm convening the 37th G8 meeting, are we all ready?_

I can't find my pen.

_Is there a socket for my laptop?_

_You only want to play solitaire, non? Or look at porn sites? Honhonhon._

_Can we please get on with this? I have a lot of paperwork to do, ja? Mein Gott, why does it always take so long to get started?_

_Germany can I sit with you, ve?_

_Ja, you can, but not... oh Italy get off my knee._

_Where is China? Isn't Yao supposed to be here? I could ring him from my mobile, I have his mobile number, da?_

This is the G8, he isn't in the G8, how many times do we have to tell you, Russia?

_I will ring him... oh there does not seem to be an answer... little Yao would not ignore me, nyet? He is my friend._

Glad someone is...

_Wut?_

_Right, as I'm the only superpower I will chair this meeting._

What idiot put you in charge?

_Well, as I won the Cold War and the commies didn't..._

_Kolkolkolkolkolkol..._

_I agree with America-kun, perhaps he should chair this meeting._

_Thank you my main man, Kiku, I love you dude..._

Oh for heaven's sake, can we please just get on with it?

_Oui, I have somewhere to be after this... there is a closet with our names on it, Monsieur Angleterre, I know you have missed my embraces and later I will be all yours._

What the bloody hell are you talking about, you French idiot? I am not going into any closet with you.

_There is something wrong with my phone... da? Little Yao is not answering... oh wait... wut? You are going into a tunnel? But Yao, I need to speak to you... This phone cut me off from my little Yao. _

_(Crunching sound)_

_Dude, was that like a Samsung S50? _

_Da, it was a very bad phone and it kept me from my little Yao._

Was it really necessary to smash it with your pipe?

_Da._

America, can we please get on with this meeting. Who's first up on the agenda?

_Agenda? What agenda? _

The piece of paper that tells you what we're going to be talking about and who will be doing the talking.

_Get with it, Arty. Heroes don't need agendas._

_I think you will find that I have a presentation to make regarding my country's efforts in reducing pollution and encouraging recycling..._

_(Groans)_

_Dude, that's totally not cool._

_...I think you will find that saving the planet from your country's wasteful carbon dioxide output is very cool, ja? Germany is now leading the way in green policies and they are ones that all of you should be adopting. My Chancellor for instance..._

_(A 30 minute powerpoint presentation appeared to follow – author decided for editing purposes not to transcribe the full speech, however, the delegates' reactions are recorded for posterity.)_

_Ve, Germany, that is a pretty picture. _

_There should be more la femmes in it, Allemagne. I mean I adore power stations as much as the next Nation, but there should be more, how you say, pictures of the feminine form._

_Da, I like the pictures of the aeroplanes though, that is very good, comrade._

_Thrust, monsieur, honhonhon._

_Wut? That is not appropriate, nyet?_

_I mean, dude, if we reduce CO2, what happens with my air con? I can still have my air con right?_

Alfred, Your farts emit more CO2 than your beloved air conditioning.

_You're so cruel, Arty. _

_CAN YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP? WHY CAN I NEVER GET THROUGH A WHOLE PRESENTATION WITHOUT YOU ALL TALKING? AMERICA HASN'T STOPPED EATING, ENGLAND – YOU'RE PLAYING SOLITAIRE, ITALY WILL YOU STOP DOODLING FOR JUST A MINUTE? FRANCE GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR PANTS... OH... WELL GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF ITALY'S PANTS. RUSSIA – CAN YOU JUST PUT THAT PIPE DOWN? I DON'T CARE THAT YOU CAN BEND IT INTO A HEART SHAPE. JAPAN AND... CANADA! _

_Canada! Bro, so glad you made it._

_I've been here the whole time, me and Mr Kimajaro have been listening and I think..._

_Wooo, what happened to the lights?_

Oh, for heaven's sake, can someone just check the light switch? Who's nearest the door?

_Honhonhon, we are locked in, oh yes..._

_I'm scared, Germany. Germany protect me._

_Get off me, Italy, it's just a power cut._

Why, in the name of arse, are we locked in?

_Hummmmmmmmmmmm_

Who the bloody hell is that fool humming? And why is it so dark?

_Arthur, I'm really scared, do you think it's ghosts?_

_America-kun I think it is just a power cut, perhaps if we opened the curtains there may be some light from the streetlights outside._

Jolly good idea, Japan.

_Hummmmmmmmm_

Which dickhead is humming? And why have I just walked into a wall... oh sorry, Russia it's you... arrrrgh. I'm sure it's fine if you hum. If it makes you feel better? Oooookaaaay, I'm going over here now.

_Zere, I have opened ze curtains, we can all see each other now... _

Francis! Why the bloody hell are your trousers undone? What the bloody hell is wrong with you?

_Honhonhon._

_The door is still locked._

_Why would they lock us in? Ivan is not happy. Ivan does not want to be here. When Ivan finds out who locked Ivan in this room Ivan will break some bones._

_Perhaps if we ring the concierge downstairs? Ja? They vill come up and unlock the door?_

_Rock out Germany my man! That's an awesome idea... oh wait my phone doesn't have a signal._

_Ivan needs his vodka, da? Hummmmmm._

_Itary! Stop touching me, I am not Germany!_

_But Mr Japan, Mr Russia's humming is frightening me..._

_Honhonhon, eight men in a room together – it is an even number, non? We do not need anyone else? England and I will be over in zis corner... _

Wait, you can just bugger off. Did you arrange this you French tart?

_Canada and America over zere..._

_Hey! We're brothers, dude._

Because that makes all the difference doesn't it? You big idiot...

_(sound of someone hitting something hard)_

_Hey England! That hurt!_

_America and Japan zen, oh yes... Germany and ze leetle Italy over zere in zat corner and oh yes, Canada and Mr Russia over zere. _

_M..m...maple...Oh help me, Mr Kamajuro!_

_Ivan is not happy now, kolkolkolkolkol. Ivan is getting out now._

_(Sounds of splintering wood)_

What in the name of ballcocks!

_Woooo, dude, rock out my man! Big fat Commie dude broke down the door._

_Danke schoen, we are free._

Hungary! What the chuffing hell are you doing?

_It didn't work! You were supposed to... I set up the cameras and everything. I suppose there's always next time. Hmmm, alcohol next time will do it._

_(Dictaphone is switched off)_

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><em><br>_

Diane, I'm back in my hotel room. Dear Lord, that was a horrible experience. That was not the worst meeting I've had to attend in service to my dear country, but it counts up there in top ten worst ones. I'm going to have a nice cup of tea now – if there is such a thing in this God-awful country - and a nice snooze and then I will explain later to you all who all those complete morons were on that tape.

_(Knock on the door)_

Oh wait, hang on.

_(Sound of door opening)_

Oh hello, fancy seeing you here, love. Come in. Oooh I say, I missed you too, give a chap a chance.. Hang on.

_(Dictaphone is switched off)_

**Author's notes:**

**Nyet - No in Russian**

**Da - Yes in Russian**

**Danke schoen – thank you very much in German**

**Allemagne – Germany in French**


	4. My Fellow Nations

**The following is a typed transcript from 'Arthur Kirkland's' Dictaphone which was entitled 'My Fellow Nations'. It appears to be recorded directly after the G8 meeting earlier and is of Arthur describing who he refers to as 'his fellow Nations'. The author leaves it to the reader to infer the meaning. Again, all words are entirely Arthur's and any prejudices real or otherwise cannot be attributed to the author. Also, please note that it would appear that there are typographical errors in the transcript, however the author would like to point that they typed the words exactly as Arthur said them.**

**Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 4 – My Fellow Nations**

Diane, I'm back. My visitor has gone now. We erm... we're just good friends and well anyway, I might tell you more about them another time, I'm not sure yet where that particular relationship is going. We're keeping it a secret at the moment. It wouldn't do if our Governments found it you know? Well no you don't...

Right, where were we? Ah yes that bloody meeting. Bloody Hungary had bribed the hotel management to pull the lights on us and then locked the door. She'd put hidden cameras in the room and expected us to... well, anyway. The woman's completely mad, stark staring bonkers. France of course tried to grope me – he always does. I've spent the last 1000 years dodging his advances. He's never got me... well apart from that time... oh hell. Well, maybe once or twice we've ended up in bed together... but that was to reduce sexual tension. Anything's better than a war right? But that doesn't mean I'm gay or anything right? I don't fancy that Frog.

Anyway, yes the meeting. Thank God for that nutjob Russia – he broke the door down. You can always rely on Ivan to kick in doors. I must say he is quite good if you're in a tight spot. America's worse than useless.

I suppose I should explain who all these goons are and try to describe them and their personalities.

Right, let me get my cuppa and I'll settle down for a long chat. I'm not going to describe all the Nations – I'd be here all day, obviously there's loads of us. I'll just start with those morons who were at the meeting this morning, the G8.

Okay, let's see. I may as well start with America. He has a mouth the size of Portsmouth. He thinks he's the Hero and thinks he knows better than me – he's wrong of course on so many counts. But anyway. He's under the illusion that he won the second world war single-handedly, I blame all those war movies he watches. Of course he doesn't dare say this in front of Russia who could and would kick his arse all the way back to Washington DC.

Obviously he's my ex-colony. I brought him up and does he appreciate it? No, does he hell. Ungrateful little bugger. I gave him fish and chips, I was the one who introduced him to culture and poetry and ties and real football – not that silly American football that they play over there. I mean what's that all about – they have to wear all that padding, not like our real football. Ha, American Independence – look where it's got him – yes they may all have nice teeth, Hollywood and big cars, but they also gained gun crime and idiot presidents – Ronald Reagan anyone? Bilateral relations? Ha! Oh God I need a real drink.

_(sounds of Arthur pouring a drink)_

Right, where was I? Oh yes, America... Oh God why did he leave me? He was like a little brother to me. Pull yourself together, Arthur, you're the British Empire. Let's see, who's next – I'll go through the Allies and then the others – the Axis.

France – my God where do I start? Bloody wine-loving sex-crazed... I mean how on earth does he find the time to have all that sex? It's not bloody fair. With his honhonhon. And those hands he can't seem to keep them to himself. I've lost count of the number of times I've invaded him and kicked his arse. I even took over part of his country. He's such a loser. He has no idea at all about fighting. He should stick to sashaying around and winking at the women... oh yes he does.

_(sounds of gulping and pouring of another drink)_

I love my rum – best damned drink in the world. Where wash I? Sorry, where was I? Oooh won't do will it to get drunk? Hahaha. Right. Oh yes, Canada. I feel sorry for that kid. He's always getting mixed up with his idiot brother. Of course I never get them mixed up. He's okay is Canada – too quiet though. Has Frenchie influence though. Poor lad. Even shpeaksh, I mean speaks French too. Good lad in the war. Although he was never there at the meetings... funny that.

Dear Lord... Russia where do I start? What a complete dickhead. Although (_whispers) _I wouldn't shay that in hish hearing. He's a bit big you know.

(_pours another drink)_

Nutcase – yesh. But then he's been through more than any of us. Poor lad. Pretty good in the war though, very handy. Would much prefer him next to me in battle than against me. Now France I would prefer in front of me – then you can see what the bloody hell he's doing – bloody pervert. I dunno, thingsh got really bad, cold war and all that. We set up NATO and Russia wanted to join! Bless him! Hahaha. We had to tell him it was against him. He got a bit annoyed at that – kicked a door in and punched the wall. We all got a bit scared, well I didn't of course, but America said he had to go to the loo and Francie wet his pants.

Right, the Axis, I mean the rest of the G8. Okay, Germany. Hmmm, clever bugger. He started two wars and lost two wars and he's doing better than me economically. Very industrious, always on time with everything, always got his paperwork in order. Very officious. I hate him. Well, okay I don't hate him, but he's always shouting. Of course I never shout. A gennelman never shouts. And he's got no sense of humour. You try telling him German jokes and he just glares at you. Some people, honestly. And that nutcase brother of his? Where do I shtart with him? Complete hooligan, no manners.

Italy – I think he's cleverer than he lets on. He's always with Germany. I think they're a couple, but Germany is always pushing him off his knee. Italy lets Germany do all the work. Silly little sod has always got his eyes shut. And he's always drunk and smiling and he can't drive. His brother's a little git. Called me a tea bastard once. Good at football though – they beat us in the 1990 world cup third place match. Bloody good game. It should have been the final. Bloody Germany won. Well alright West Germany won.

_(pours another drink)_

Japan. Weird little man. Odd. What elshe can I shay? Never shays a bloody thing all meeting and then bam, comesh out with the oddest thing. America loves him, well not in that way. Well actually I'm not sure. I visited him once. It wash bloody brilliant. Lotsh of spirits and ghosts that Japan didn't know about – of course they talked to me. I liked Japan's bath ... doesh that shound odd? Hmm I think maybe I've drunk a bit too much.

Well, Diane, I'm going to switch you orf now. Oh yesh, I know I should have told you, but I invited shum of the idiots to the wedding in a couple of weeks. Not a good idea ish it? Oh bloody hell, what wash I thinking? What will the boss say? And Wills? And Kate? Oh dear.

_(switches off dicatphone)_

**Author's Note: Ronald Reagan was the US President between 1981-1989.**

**When Arthur refers to NATO and Russia wishing to join – this is a true story apparently the Soviet Union did make attempts to join NATO in 1954.**

**When Arthur refers to taking part of France – he is probably referring to the 12th century when Normandy, Gascony, Anjou etc came under an English king – the Plantagenets - and not under the French crown.**

**Portsmouth is a significant naval port and city in the south of England. Presumably when Arthur says that America 'has a mouth the size of Portsmouth' he is inferring that this person America has a big mouth.**

**The author is unsure of which wedding Arthur is referring to – evidently someone called 'Wills and Kate' are to be married later that month – April 2011.**


	5. St George's Day

**The following is a typed transcript from 'Arthur Kirkland's' Dictaphone which was entitled 'St George's Day'. The author would like to point out that any prejudices real or imaginary are entirely Arthur's own. All dialogue is transcribed as recorded word for word. Words in italics are those uttered by people unknown to the author.**

Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 5 – St George's Day (23rd April 2011)

Diane, it's St George's Day today so it's my official birthday. I can't remember my exact birthday of course. I have no idea on what day I was actually born. My mother Britannia, God rest her soul, is long gone and I've been around since oh I don't know at least 1066. At least that's the earliest date I can remember. Before that everything was a bit wild – bloody Vikings! And bloody Scots – that bloody big brother of mine.

Anyway where was I... oh yes I'm getting misty-eyed now, thinking of Mumsy. Well it's my birthday but I'm hoping against hope that I can have a quiet day in my garden, tending my roses and drinking my tea.

_(Doorbell chimes to the tune of God Save the Queen)_

Bloody hell, who the hell is that?

_Guten tag England, Italy and I were just passing and we thought..._

_Ve, we knew it was your birthday and we brought you a present each and a lovely card. I picked the card, I hope you like it ve. We're staying in a hotel down the road and I wanted to see Big Ben but Luddy said not to be rude but I didn't mean it like that. I think I saw Francis and Gilbert in Soho looking in a shop window which had a lot of leather costumes in it. Why did it have chains and handcuffs in the window? Do you think it was a Police Shop? _

_Shut up Italy, England does not need to know this._

France and Prussia here? In London? Dear Lord.

_Ja, it was them I think. Anyway, here is your present I hope you like it._

Thank you... oh pens.

_Ja, you said you didn't have one at the last meeting._

_Here's mine, England. I hope you like it. I got it especially for you._

Pasta.

_Ve. Pastaaaaa!_

Right, well, thank you very much. I'll see you later.

_Right, come on Italy, I'm sure Mr England is very busy and we won't hold him up any longer._

Yes, I must get back to my weeding.

_Are you going to tie me to the headboard again, Luddy?_

_Stop calling me Luddy!_

(_door closes)_

Good God, they've gone. I thought they were going to insist on coming in for a drink. Bloody Germany he can sod off. Right put the kettle on and have a nice cuppa.

_(doorbell rings again)_

Sod it!

_Yo Arty check it! Happy Birthday to my main man! _

_Herro, Mr England, I am glad you are okay. Happy Birthday. I have brought you a present and I hope you like it._

Alfred and Kiku. I suppose you'd better come in. Wipe your feet, Alfred, please. The last time you came in you'd stepped in doggy-do and I would prefer not to have to clean my carpets again.

_Dude needs to chill man. We're gonna rock out. I mean how old are you? 2000 years old? You must be as old as China by now?_

_I do not think so, America. You cannot catch up with people's ages like that..._

Don't be so bloody stupid, Alfred, I'm not that old. I suppose you can have a cup of tea.

_Dude, we're going out, man! My treat. There's a McDonalds down the road and I'm buying you a Big Mac for my biggest buddy._

Oh dear Lord, no.

_A cup of tea would be very nice, thank you Mr England. I have brought you present of manga – I hope you like it. It is very popular in my country._

Thank you Japan. At least someone is civilised. Deathnote? I don't understand?

_It is very good. I am sure you will like it. The plot is about a notebook, you write in a person's name and they die within forty seconds..._

Erm, I could really use one of those.

_That's just lame man. Just a book? No machine-gun or total arse-kicking plane? _

_No, just a book._

Let's step into the sitting room. Haven't you bought me a birthday card, Alfred?

_Birthday cards are lame, man! _

You forgot didn't you?

_Well... what are you my Dad?_

Dear Lord, no. Stop waving that cup of tea about and put it on the coaster, Alfred. And sit up straight, don't slouch.

_(doorbell rings again)_

Oh who the bloody hell is that? Oh no...

_Noises from outside – clanking of metal on door and an 'open up, da'_

It's bloody Russia, someone open the bloody door before I have to get a new one!

_(door opened by unknown person)_

_Mr England da? Oh Mr Japan why are you here?_

_Herro Russia, herro China. I am here for the same reasons you are – it is Mr England's birthday. _

Don't let them in! Tell them I'm out.

_He says he's out!_

_That is very funny, da? I have brought present for England with China..._

_We are not together, we bumped into each other, aru._

_We are on a d..._

_Shut up, Ivan._

_Mmm fmmm, get your hand off my mouth, Yao._

_You had better come in... Mr England, Russia and China are here with presents for you. That is very nice isn't it?_

No, not really.

_I have brought sunflowers for you. Oh hello America. You look very fat today._

_So do you dude, so do you._

_But I am big-boned and this winter coat is very padded._

_Dude, why are you wearing that scarf?_

_English weather is very changeable da? But there is no snow here. I like London. Very much._

You're not bloody living here. Oh sunflowers, thank you. I suppose. Yes, they're very nice. I'll put them in water.

_Here is my present, aru._

Hmmm, Hello Kitty cushion.

_You do not like this? I can take it home with me. Perhaps it is too pink for you England? I can give it to Ivan. Not that we're going out or anything or that I give him presents, because I don't. We aren't._

_Da. Little Yao is mine._

_He means I'm his friend._

_We are staying at the Novotel in the same room, da?_

_Dude, check it. Ivan and Yao are in lurve._

_We are sharing a room to save money. It is good fiscal sense, aru._

_I am going to beat you very hard with Mr Pipe if you make fun of my little Yao, Mr America._

_Aaaaaaargh._

Everyone shut up. This is my house and no-one will be hitting anyone else with a pipe. Does anyone want a cup of tea and a custard cream?

_Da, that sounds very nice. Then I will beat up America._

_I will make the tea, everyone knows China tea is the best... oh value teabags? England this is not good, aru._

_I will help you, little Yao._

_Ivan, get off me. _

_(doorbell rings yet again)_

Can someone... oh bother. Please Japan can you make sure your brother and Ivan aren't doing God knows what in my kitchen? I don't trust that Russian.

_He's not my brother._

Oh for heaven's sake and where's that American idiot gone?

_I think he hid in your toilet away from Ivan._

I'm going to answer the door. Just make sure that whatever they're doing they're not ruining my new kitchen worktop. Who the bloody hell is that?

_(doorbell rings incessantly)_

_You took your time! We've been waiting ages. What kind of a service is this?_

Service? What? Austria... Switzerland oh and little Lily... Hello Lily. Well how nice to see you too, Roderich, what a little ray of sunshine you are.

_Do we get to come in or are we just going to stand here all day?_

Hmmm, of course you can come in, but I have a houseful. America and Japan are here already and...

_Big brother and I have some presents for you. I hope you like them, Mr England._

_America and Japan? Hmm, I'm not sure Lily if I like you associating with them._

And Russia and China. Hahahahaha.

_Russia and China? That's it then, we're going._

_But big brother!_

Well, goodbye then. Toodle-pip!

_Oh honestly, Vash. What on earth do you think you're doing? We came all this way on a £10 Ryanair budget flight and we're not even going in for a cup of tea? We might even get a free meal?_

_I am not exposing little Lily to Russia. He might... he might... kidnap her._

_Oooooh, big brother! But I like Mr Russia, he's always been nice to me._

_When? When have you spent any time with him?_

_We're coming in. Put the kettle on. Do you have any cake?_

No, I bloody well do not. Oh bloody hell, bloody Europeans. China! Make some more tea!

Well isn't this nice? We're all having a nice cup of tea. Those are bourbon creams, Russia, chocolate biscuits. Do you not have them in Sov... I mean Russia?

_Nyet. They are very nice da? But Toris used to make me cookies. I miss my Baltics. _

_(what follows was the sound of Russian, and as the translator does not understand the language, this has been omitted)_

_Do not worry, Vanya. I will bake you some cookies when we get home. I mean, I will send some to you when I get back to Beijing._

So, chappies, where is my present?

_What did Russia and China get you?_

_That's rude, Roderich. You can't just ask that._

_I'm just interested._

Sunflowers and a Hello Kitty plush cushion.

_Hmmm, how cheap. I mean erm nice._

_Here's mine, I suppose. I'm assuming, ja, that you like crisps?_

A half price coupon for cheese and onion crisps? Is this a bloody joke?

_I'll have you know I had to spend 25 euros to get that coupon!_

_You cheapskate, at least mine is a coupon for a free tin of Heinz – Heinz that is, the best there is – tin of beans._

_I bought you some slippers, Mr England. I hope you like them._

_Little Lily is very sweet, nyet?_

_Keep your hands off her, Ivan. I've got my rifle in my flight bag._

Pink bunny slippers?

_Ha dude, they're totally you! You look so totally gay!_

_I like them. I like pink da? My new scarf is pink. You think that I am gay, Mr America?_

_I need the toilet again..._

Hmmm...

_But the slippers you have on have puppies on them, Mr England._

_If you don't like them, I still have the receipt and I can get the money back._

_You're so cheap, Vash._

_Ha! Says you._

_I just like to save money._

_Right, we have to go. We have to get the flight back to Rome._

Rome? Why the bloody hell are you going back to Rome?

_50 euros for the three of us on Budget Airline._

But that's miles away from Bern and Vienna?

_Yes, but Romano will drive us home. We agreed to pay him. He'll do anything for money at the moment. I think he's feeling the pinch. He should have saved his money like me._

_Can I stay here, big brother?_

_No you cannot! I've never heard anything so ridiculous._

_We can take her home can't we, Yao? She will be fine. Or perhaps little Lily would like to visit my home in St Petersburg?_

_Oh that sounds lovely Mr Russia! Oh Vash, can I please?_

_Vash? Vash? Are you okay?_

Someone get some water I think he's having a heart attack.

* * *

><p><em>Later on, Arthur had obviously switched off his Dictaphone soon after the 'medical emergency' and then switched it back on.<em>

Diane, most of the bloody fools have gone. Well, China and Russia took themselves off to visit the Imperial War Museum. I hope Russia doesn't get too worked up. He does tend to do that when the War is mentioned. China's okay. He's got a level head on his shoulders and can handle Ivan. He's probably the only one who can. Switzerland, Austria and Liechtenstein have gone as well. Vash and Roderich are the two most miserly people I have ever met. I'm not sure which is worst. And they bicker like a married couple. I'm sure there's something going on between them, I've never seen two men argue like that but be everywhere together, it's bizarre. Yet if you have a go at one of them, the other sticks up for him. Lily is sweet. It would have been nice for her to stay a bit. It's always nice to have one of the female Nations around. Apart from Hungary of course. She's a nutcase. Oh and Belarus, she's an even bigger nutcase. Japan has gone as well. He said he wanted to watch some foreign rubbish film at the cinema. So it's just me and Alfred...

Actually no it isn't because the bloody doorbell is going off again. Okay, stop pressing the sodding button.

_You broke it, Den._

_Ja, but it could not stand up to my total incomparable strength._

_You're a fool._

_I will fix it._

_Berwald you brought your tool-kit? Why?_

_Wouldn't b'able t'pt t'gether Arthur's pres._

_My present is the most awesome._

_You're a fool._

Oh God, not them. Is it all of them? Oh shit, just the four Nordics. Mind you that's bad enough. No Icy? And he's the most normal, well I think so. What the bloody hell have they brought? A bloody great Scots Pine? Is this a bloody joke?

_Happy Birthday from Finland, England! I brought you your Christmas tree!_

It's April.

_Yes, but you can't be too early when it comes to Christmas._

I beg to differ. What is Sweden doing?

_Your doorbell could not stand up to my awesome power! So Berwald, my man is fixing it for you._

_He broke it. He's a fool._

Hello Norway, hello Denmark. Thank you Sweden, but I...

_N' prob._

I suppose you'd better come in...

_Yo America! Party on?_

_Yo Den! Dude England doesn't have any rock out music._

_No way._

_Yes way._

_Let's see._

_Beatles, Rolling Stones, Bay City Rollers..._

_Arty, do you have anything from this century?_

_I brought Carlsberg! _

_Woooohoooo!_

I'm getting a migraine. Where's Peter?

_He's playing video games with Latvia. Super Mario Kart Brothers or something on some box called a WEE?_

_It's Mario-Kart on the Nintendo Wii, Tino. _

_Thanks, Norge._

I see, so he won't come and see me now? I mean I am his Dad.

_Sorry but... he likes living with us and you did leave him._

Yes, but that wasn't my fault. How was I to know? I suppose I should have done better by him. Who wants a nice cuppa? I think I may have some wagon wheels.

_(Arthur whispers – Diane, I'm in the bathroom, bloody Vikings, you have to be so careful with them. You never know when they're going to go into Viking mode. They could go on a rampage at any moment. Raping and pillaging their way through the English countryside.)_

_These wagon wheels are nice._

_Yes but I like the jammy ones best._

_We should go to the local supermarket while we're here – I don't see these in Oslo._

_Good idea._

Okay, chappies, everything all-right?

_Yes, we thought about going to your Morrisons when we've been here._

_Oh, England here's my present for you. I hope you like it. It's a book about some of the stories in my country._

Thank you, Norway. Hmm. I say, old chap. That looks rather... rather gruesome.

_Trolls can be scary if you're not used to them, England._

_(doorbell rings and door opens)_

_Fix'd yr drbell._

Thank you, Sweden.

_Yr pres. Here._

Erm thank you again. It's a box? Oh flat pack furniture. Oh IKEA. Well I have no idea how to...

_I'll do it._

That's very kind of you. Oh you have a tool box.

_It's okay, England. Sweden can fix anything! He's really handy around the house. He put our bedroom furniture together._

_I'll bet he did! Hahahahaha. You guys kill me._

America! What on earth are you talking about?

_Dude, seriously?_

_Ja, it's weird round their house. It's like they're married!_

_You're a fool._

_Stop saying that, Norge. _

_Well, stop being a fool._

_We're not married. Shut up, Den._

_M'wife, read th'se._

_Just a minute... Den, you won't be getting anything from Santa this year. I'll just help Berwald with the instructions._

_No beer? Dude, no way._

Oh good Lord. Denmark just shut up. And anyway where's my present?

_I drank it._

_All the crate? You really are a fool._

_(doorbell rings but sounds off-key)_

_Thought you fixed that, Berwald?_

_Sh't up, busy._

Oh I suppose I should get that... please let it be someone sensible. Maybe it might be... Oh noooo.

_Vanya is still here?_

No he's gone. Right, thank you very much, goodbye.

_You lie to me, England?_

Of course not, Natalya, why would I do that?

_He is here? He is hiding from me?_

_Pryvit, England. We've brought nice things for you!_

Oh, Katya! Hello. Your brother is not here. Please tell your sister to put her knife away.

_Natalya, (rush of untranslated Ukrainian/Russian follows)_

_Da._

_There, okay? You seem very jumpy, Arthur. Can we come in? You have visitors?_

Well, Sweden, Finland, Norway, Denmark, America are all here.

_I do not like America. He picks on big brother._

_Shut up Natalya and be nice._

_Here is your present._

Erm thank you. I suppose you'd better come in. Although I do think where your brother and America are concerned it's more a case of... oh okay you didn't put your knife away. Tea anyone?

_Tea would be nice. _

What's in this box?

_It is very nice. I got it very specially for you Mr England. _

Erm, that's quite creepy actually, Miss Belarus.

_Why? _

No...no...no reason at all. I'll erm open it in a bit.

_And here is my present Arthur! I hope you like them._

Oh a scarf! And matching mittens. In pink. With bunnies.

_Big brother has some like them. He likes them._

Well, of course they're...

_Hahahaha, dude England looks like a girl in that scarf!_

_You say my dear Vanya looks like a girl also? Perhaps Mr America would like to say hello to my friend Tasha._

_What? You brought a chick called Tasha? Woohoo._

_Nyet, my knife is called Tasha._

_Natalya, behave yourself._

_Erm hello Miss Belarus, Miss Ukraine._

_Pryvet, Mr Finland, oh and Mr Norway. Oh Mr Denmark do you know that you have a traffic cone on your head?_

Where the bloody hell did you get that?

_Outside, picked it up. Party, man! Now we can party! We have chicks... woooo!_

_(sounds of shuffling and scrambling)_

You idiots!

_Say dude, why have you brought us in the bathroom, Arty?_

Are you insane? You can't party on down with Ukraine and Belarus. Russia will kill you or me or us.

_Dude needs to take a chill pill._

I do not need a...

_(scraping sound on wood)_

_Big brother are you in there?_

No, he's bloody well not. Why would he be in here with us? I mean me. Because of course I am not in here with two men.

_Yes you are, me and Dude Den are here!_

Shut up!

_You are holding big brother against his will! You have kidnapped big brother and you are doing things with him._

No we're ... I mean I'm not. I'm here alone.

_No, you're not. We're here._

_Ja._

Will you two morons just shut up! And Denmark take that bloody traffic cone off your head!

_(sounds of wood splintering)_

_Big brother I'm coming to rescue you... oh you ... three... _

I told you!

_Chick broke down the door!_

_Wow!_

* * *

><p>Diane, I think I finally got rid of the two weird sisters. After Belarus broke down my bathroom door and we convinced her that Russia wasn't anywhere in the vicinity – I did tell her he was staying at the Novotel – let him deal with that. Also the bloody Vikings have gone off to Morrisons to get some wagon wheels, apart from Denmark who is dancing around my lounge with a traffic cone on his head and America who is still moaning about my choice of CDs. I hate birthdays. I hope Sweden, Finland and Norway are going to come back for Denmark later. I don't really want to be responsible for him and America's no bloody use. Also, Diane, I'm scared to open that box that Belarus gave me. Everyone knows she's a psychopath. It could contain a bloody scorpion or one of those jack in a box and I open it and something hits me in the face. That chair was nice that Sweden put together, jolly good chap. I could do with a husband like him. Not that I'm that way inclined you know.<p>

Oh hell, not the doorbell again.

_Honhonhonhon, Angleterre has been waiting for moi, non?_

No, I bloody well have not. And you're not coming in.

_Kesese, England!_

Oh no. Oh God what have I done to deserve this? You two are definitely not coming in. And certainly not you, Gilbert. I still haven't got the stain out of my bathroom floor from the last time you were here.

_Prussian stains are awesome man! _

_I have brought you a leetle present, mon ami, for my special one..._

Just bugger off.

_Dude, get in here! Party!_

_America! Kesese! _

Where's my present?

_Kesese, I am your present! A one-man party! _

I don't bloody think so! Get back here!

_Let zem party, mon ami. I have brought ze wine..._

Oh God, you'd better come in. I don't want anyone to see you on my doorstep.

_Wait wait, it's us, are we too late for the party!_

What party? There is no party.

(_sounds of very loud music and shouts come from inside the house and glass shattering)_

_Pol, perhaps we should leave Mr England, he looks very stressed. We should just leave our present._

_No way, like, Liet, we came all this way._

Oh Poland and Lithuania. It's good to see someone normal... well...

_You like my skirt? Liet thinks it's too short._

_It is._

_It is not, mon ami. You have ze legs for it, oh oui._

_Thank you, Francis. You look very dapper tonight._

_Merci._

_Mr Russia isn't here is he?_

No, he's gone. He and China went to the Imperial War Museum.

_Ha! Braginski's such a loser._

_Pol!_

_Well, he is._

Come in, you two. France, keep your hands to yourself. And I don't mean in your trousers!

_Zere is my present, oui?_

What the hell? A packet of two condoms? Opened? What's wrong with you?

_I know. I had to use one on the way here. It was a long journey on ze Eurostar, non? But I thought two condoms will last my little Angleterre for a decade, non?_

_Hmm, we bought you something, Mr England._

Oh, a rose bush! That is very thoughtful. Thank you so much. That's the best present I've had!

_My choice of present was more, like, cool._

Hmmm yes, I would prefer not to hear about that.

_Get in here, dudes! Den's just rung up for a stripper! Yeah!_

Oh noooo.

_Honhonhon, I could have done the stripping, non? There is no need..._

_It's time we were going, come on Pol._

_But it sounds as if..._

_No, Pol, we're going NOW!_

Wait, chaps, I'm coming with you!

* * *

><p>Diane, that's how I found myself on my birthday, kicked out of my own house, sat in the Kings Arms which is just down the road from my house, with a Lithuanian and a cross-dressing Polish man, drinking ale. It could have been worse, a lot worse. I can now see the police cars arriving at my door from where I sit. I should really go out there... but actually I won't.<p>

_Say, England, I picked up this box. You should, like, totally open it._

Okay... hang on this is the box from Belarus.

_It'll be fine. Would you like me to do it, Mr England?_

You are very kind, Lithuania.

_Sounds of gasps, sighs and aahs._

Oh! It's a cake!

_Taip. Miss Natalya makes very good cakes._

__(_Dictaphone is switched off)_


	6. St George's Day  The Aftermath

**The following is a typed transcript from 'Arthur Kirkland's' Dictaphone which was entitled 'The Aftermath'. It appeared to be dated 24th April 2011, directly after the events of what he called St George's Day or Arthur's 'birthday'. There were several reports in the local newspaper regarding arrests in the vicinity of Arthur Kirkland's address, a public order disturbance and a report of indecent exposure was also recorded at the address where the Metropolitan Police were called as well as an ambulance. As before, the author would like to point out that any prejudices real or imaginary are entirely Arthur's own. All dialogue is transcribed as recorded word for word. Words in italics are those uttered by people unknown to the author.**

Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 6 – The Aftermath (24th April, 2011)

Diane, I'm speaking to you from a Travelodge inn just down the road from my house. Dear Lord, never again. Next time it's my birthday I'm off out of the country. Honestly. I'm going to ... I don't know I'll visit Seychelles. Last year was bad enough, I never got those stains out of my bathroom floor and France broke my bed with some energetic sex with some unidentified Nation – whoever that was I hope I never find out. But at least the Police didn't get involved.

Okay, I'll try and recount what happened last night from when I last switched you off – I'd been in the Kings Arms with Lithuania and Poland. Lithy's okay, nice chap, probably the only sane Nation – apart from me of course – that I know. Amazing really that he kept his sanity after living with Russia all those years. I mean we all know Russia's as mad as a fish. Poland is, well, Poland. Always wears a skirt, but actually he looks damned good in one. Oh dear, moving on. Where was I, oh yes, we'd opened that box from Belarus which actually didn't contain a scorpion or someone's head, but was actually a very nice birthday cake – she'd even iced in red icing (I hope to God it's not blood) Happy Birthday Arthur. And then all hell broke loose across at my house. The music had got louder and louder – I have no idea where the Sex Pistols records came from and one of my neighbours who is used to me being extremely quiet called the Police. I don't blame them really. France apparently had removed all his clothes (what a surprise or quelle surprise as the Frog would say) and was running around my garden. Honestly he can't keep his clothes on if his life depended on it. If that wasn't bad enough, some stripper turned up, but America, Denmark and Prussia – who all call themselves something ridiculous like the Awesome Trio decided that this person was the wrong gender – I'm assuming the stripper was male, but who knows? And they were very rude and laughed at the said poor, unfortunate person's appendage, this person got irate and yelled at them. Prussia apparently took out his appendage and waved it around – America called him (Prussia that is, not the stripper) Mr 5 millimetres – I have no idea why, and then there was a huge fight. The stripper fled (I really hope it wasn't a fellow Nation) and the Police arrived.

All this is in the Police report. France apparently was making lewd gestures at my neighbour's wife through the kitchen window while she was washing up. Having a naked Frenchman appearing at your kitchen window waving his private parts around is most off-putting when you're trying to do housework. I know – I speak from experience. Poor woman apparently dropped her best china.

Prussia and America – both calling themselves 'Mr Awesome' to the unimpressed local Police Sergeant, had to be pulled off one another. In the police report it said that the white-haired German was attempting to shove the American into the wheelie bin, shouting "I'm more awesome than you, bitch" whilst America said "You're not even a Nation, you have to live with your brother. How is that awesome?"

The report then went on to say that a tall blond spiky-haired gentleman with an unknown foreign accent had got hold of a large axe (why oh why did I keep an axe with my gardening tools in the shed and why oh why did I not lock them up?) and was swinging it around in a haphazard manner. British Police are the best in the world in my opinion and they managed to disarm him with relatively few injuries. In the report it said that the 'blond gentleman was threatening to pillage and rape anyone who came near him'. Dear Diane, there is no way on this earth that Denmark can ever be called a gentleman, only by someone on hard-core drugs. Somehow or other he landed in my garden pond. That's my goldfish gone I bet. And the Police managed to take the axe off him.

The Ambulance was called when Francis streaked down the gardens of my neighbours – attempting to escape the Police – and a poor little 80 year old lady saw the naked idiot and had a stroke. I mean she had a medical stroke – not an actual stroke – I don't mean she actually... oh you know what I mean. Oh God my brain's addled.

Anyway, I've got to go and bail them out of the police holding cell soon. No doubt because they're Nations they have diplomatic immunity. I should really call their embassies. And Ludwig – he can deal with his idiot brother. The Danish and French Embassies are used to this. Pierre, who is quite a nice man – for a Frenchy – deals with Francis' misdemeanours when he's in Britain. And there's always loads of them. Poor chap. He's only about 30, but he looks 60 and has developed a tic and a stammer. I should put his number on speed-dial.

Right I'm going to have a cup of tea and then I'm going to inspect the damage at my house. Pray for me, Diane.

_(Dictaphone is switched off)_

* * *

><p>Diane, I'm home and ... oh dear Lord. How has that happened? That chair that Sweden built for me is in bits. And what's this? A blow-up doll? In my apron? And... and... that's just not right – it's wearing my union jack boxers. What is wrong with these people? Bottles everywhere. Please dear God, let there not be some passed-out random Nation in one of my wardrobes or in my bath, like last time. I will never ever get over opening my wardrobe door and Greece falling out – still asleep.<p>

_(doorbell rings)_

I don't want to answer that.

Hello, who is it?

_Hola! It is me! Your birthday present is here, England!_

Oh hello Antonio, I suppose you'd better come in.

_Si, so you are having a good birthday?_

It was yesterday. Are you trying to be bloody funny?

_No, Inglaterra. I forgot. Here, I buy you a present. It is good, no?_

What is it? Oh thanks. A packet of cigarettes. Actually I might need those. So yes, thanks. Right goodbye.

_So, where is everyone?_

Look Spain, I'm a bit busy.

_Yassou! England! It is birthday, ochi?_

Hello Greece, yes it was my birthday.

_Meow._

Oh you brought a cat.

_It is a little kitten for you, Mr England. But you do not have to have it. I can take it home. Little kitty..._

I see, well...

_Mr England's birthday was yesterday, Herakles._

_Seriously?_

_Si._

_Seriously?_

_Si, seriously._

_Oooh, perhaps I take Mr Kitty and he come back with me. I bring him next year._

_Do you know Inglaterra that there are lots of bottles in your garden?_

Yes I bloody do.

_And a doll sat at your kitchen table... I did not know that you liked such things Inglaterra?_

I bloody don't. I didn't put that there.

_It has a name – Betty? _

What the bloody hell?

_That is what it says on its chest – in lipstick. _

_Are they your boxers, Inglaterra?_

Yes... oh just shut up both of you.

_Do you have any milk for little kitty?_

Sod off. Oh okay.

Right, chappies just get yourselves a cup of tea. You can tidy up as well if you want. I need to make some phone calls.

_Si, okay. Greece you want cup of tea?_

_Yes, okay..._

The speed those two go at Diane, they could be there all day just making a cup of tea. Where's my phone. Oh dear Lord, who drew that on my picture of Winston? Oh that is not right. I hate them. And what is that on my mantelpiece? W...W...What on earth. I didn't know they did them in that size! I bet they got that in Soho. The dirty perverts. They think they're so funny. What's written on the side? A present from Prussia. I 'm not going to bail them out. They can sod off. I'm throwing this in the bin...

_Inglaterra, where are you going with that? You have changed from your pirate years. I would not have thought it of you to keep such things in your house. You always said you were a gentleman._

Just sod off okay, it's not mine.

_Of course not..._

I hate all of you.

_(doorbell rings)_

Who the sodding hell. Just bugger off whoever you are. Damn and blast it all.

_(mutters to himself) _If I hide this behind my back I'll tell whoever it is to bugger off.

_Bonjour Arthur! I know I'm late... Oh Arthur..._

Oh hello, Belgium, er Louise, er... Oh I say!

_Hmm, Arthur. Wait a minute what on earth are you holding?_

I'm sorry, those idiots... they left this in my house and I'm trying to get rid of it.

_Francis?_

How did you guess? You're the first person I've seen who I've wanted to see.

_Can you stop waving that thing around, Arthur? It's very off-putting. _

They wrecked my house, Lou-lou. Come and see.

_Oh dear, your lovely rug and what's that smell? Oh and poor Winston... and your picture of Lord Nelson! That can't be anatomically correct._

I'm going to put this awful thing in the bloody bin. Go through. Greece and Spain are in the kitchen.

_Ah Senorita! You look lovely!_

_Antonio! And Herakles. And a cat..._

_It is Mr Kitty. For Mr England. But he does not want him._

I didn't bloody say that.

_Oh, but I take him home anyway._

Where did you get him anyway?

_He was just a little stray, poor little thing. Look, he likes me._

Right, it's time you two were off – bye then.

_But we have not had our tea and where is everyone else?_

_Si, where is Denmark and America and all the others? Gilbert said he was coming._

He's been. And gone. They're at the Police Station.

_Oh Arthur..._

I know, Lou, I may need some tender loving care later, I feel a little delicate.

_I'll stay with you, Arthur._

_Senorita, you can come with me, no? _

She's bloody well not going with you. She doesn't live with you anymore. Do you want to feel the edge of my blade you Spanish scoundrel?

_It's okay, Arthur... I'm sure..._

_No, Inglaterra. You like little Belgium very much, no?_

Just bugger off.

_(strumming of guitar is heard)_

_Love is so wonderful... love between a girl and boy... Love feels like flying... Love does not need a sex toy..._

You can bloody well shut up. And get out. And take your bloody stupid guitar with you. And you Greece... but you can leave Mr Kitty.

_(slams door)_

Bloody foreigners.

_Arthur!_

Sorry, my love.

_(doorbells rings)_

Oh no who's that? If that's you Antonio, you can bugger off, you're not coming in.

_Helloooo Arthur! It's me Hamish!_

Oh bloody hell.

_Who is it, Arthur?_

It's sodding Scotland, Lou-Lou. Bloody hell.

_Open this door, I need to talk to thee, yer Sassanach._

Oh fuck. Just a minute.

_I don't understand, Arthur, what's so bad about Scotland?_

He's a bloody nutcase that's what he is. He's my older brother. He makes the Nordics look like Minnie Mouse.

_Well, I see, I'm going upstairs out of the way._

_Get this door open, Arthur yer big Nellie, or I'm kicking it doon._

Okay okay, I'm coming.

_Bloody hell, yer big Jessie, what's up? _

Nice to see you too, Hamish. What brings you down here?

_I hate bloody London, tha' can all piss off. I heard there was trouble an' yer might need a hand. _

Erm well, the Nordics are gone now and...

_Ha, bunch of bloody nellies. Den thinks he's hard, I could drink him under the table any bloody day. Ach, you look ill, man. I've come to take over as Britain._

You can't bloody do that.

_I bloody can and I bloody will. I'm bloody Scotland I am. You're not responsible enough for the job anymore._

Sod off.

_Police coming to yer house, arrests. Yer shouldn't let that wee bloody idiot Prussia in. He's a little Jessie._

Ha! I would like to see you deal with them. I mean Russia was here!

_Ha Russia! He's a bloody joke, gimmee a shot with him, I'm Scottish I am and I've had me Irn Bru._

Oh dear Lord.

_Right, get yersen over to your man there..._

What on earth are you talking about?

_See your boss and I'll take over..._

Sod off.

_Well, you're not fit to be Britain anymore, yer big Nellie. Letting them foreigners walk all over yer... I would have kicked their heads in...I mean look at Winston. Tut tut, that just ain't right, __drawing a bloody great dick on our great leader's head. Ye shoulda kicked their heads in._

Shut up, this is a respectable household.

_(sounds of screaming)_

_Aye, this is what I'm talking aboot._

Belgium! What's wrong?

_Arthur! There's a naked man handcuffed to your bath!_

_Yer see, that would no' 'appen in Scotland. It's disgusting, that's what it is. An' tha's no whisky. Tch, man, yer a disgrace of a nation._

Shut the bloody hell up.

_(sounds of footsteps on stairs)_

Oh no... Canada!

_Oh thank God it's you, Arthur, please help me. They de-bagged me and then they laughed at me and shoved me in here. Gilbert is awful. My brother did nothing to help me, he didn't even know who I was. I'm so glad you found me before Francis came back._

Francis is never ever setting foot in this house again. Or Gilbert. Or your brother. Here's a towel and... oh handcuffs. I'll go and get my handsaw.

_Here yer go, I'm Scottish. It's only a wee bit o' metal. I toss cabers for sport. _

_(sounds of metal breaking)_

_Wow thank you, Mr Scotland._

_Ach, it's nae problem, wee lassie._

_Erm I'm not a girl._

_Whatever, tha' looks like a wee girlie._

Oh God, I'll get you some clothes, Matthew. Apologies for my idiot brother.

_Has tha' got any booze at all, Arthur?_

No, sod off, you're leaving.

_I dinnae think so._

_(doorbell rings)_

Oh God, please let it be someone half-way sensible.

_Szia Arthur. I am sorry I could not get here yesterday._

Oh Elizaveta, it's good to see you.

_I have a present for you... Oh Hamish._

_Oh shit, Hungary..._

_I thought we sorted this out last time, Hamish._

_I'm sorry, Miss Hungary, I never meant..._

_Yes well, you'd better leave hadn't you?_

_Aye, Miss... I'm Scotland and I'm going. Say och aye to Austria for me, Lizzy._

_We'll see, and did I say you could call me Lizzy? _

_Aye, well. No, you didn't. I suppose I'd better go..._

_Yes, I suppose you had._

_(door slams)_

Oh Hungary, I love you! Thank you so much. How did you do that?

_Let's just say he owes me. Here's your present. Oh hello Matthew and Louise._

Oh thank you. A DVD? What of?

_I'm sure when you watch it you'll like it. There's some familiar faces on there – or maybe not so much faces._

Oh dear. Who wants a cup of a tea?

_(Dictaphone is switched off)_

_Many hours later Dictaphone is switched on_

Hello, Diane. Well after much help from Liz, Louise and Matthew – bless them – I finally got my house looking as it should. Just about. I didn't know Scotland was so scared of Hungary. That's an interesting fact I shall have to remember.

I got a call to say that Gilbert had been put on a plane back to Berlin under armed guard.

America is staying at the embassy and has been on the telephone to Mr Obama – I'm hoping Mr Obama has talked some sense into him and told him to stop hanging around with those idiots.

Denmark was bailed out by Sweden and Finland who rang to tell me that Berwald was going to kick his arse all the way back to Copenhagen.

Francis was bailed out by poor Pierre, but only after finally being found in a changing room with a Police Constable (gender unknown). He's now staying at the French Embassy (France, not the Police Constable), hopefully they will be dosing him with Bromide.

Oh and as a side note, Japan – who wisely had took himself off to watch a foreign film at the cinema rang to tell me that there was an incident at the Imperial War Museum. A bunch of Germans got badly beaten up by a tall blond Russian with a pipe. Apparently it could have been worse if it hadn't been for a small Chinese man who'd led the Russian away with a bottle of vodka.

What is the world coming to? I'm not sure if the Nordics got their wagon wheels, I never asked. But I did hear that Budget Airline flight 666 from London Heathrow to Rome was delayed by 6 hours and then was sat on the tarmac at Rome for another hour due to technical difficulties and a Swissman and an Austrian had to be taken off the plane under armed escort for causing a disturbance.

_Dictaphone is switched off_

* * *

><p>Authors Notes:<p>

Bromide - urban legend that this substance was used to quell sexual feelings in troops - by lacing their tea with it.

Inglaterra – Spanish for England

Si – Spanish for yes

Yassou – Greek for hello

Ochi – Greek for no

Szia – Hungarian for hello

Scottish phrases

Sassanach – Scottish slang for Englishman/person

Thee – you

Doon - down

Dinnae – don't

Tha – you

Och aye – slang for hello

Aye – yes

Wee – small/little

Nae - no

Aboot – about

Irn Bru – a soft drink manufactured in Scotland


	7. The Wedding Part One

**Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: bobness, MissAleatory crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ and of course all my anonymous readers.**

**The following is a typed transcript from 'Arthur Kirkland's' Dictaphone which was entitled 'The Wedding'. It appeared to be dated 29th April 2011, on the day that Prince William of Wales married Catherine Middleton. Although Arthur frequently refers to 'Wills', 'Kate', 'Harry' and someone called 'Ma'am', it is unclear whether these are just the ramblings of a person caught up in the media hysteria of the day. As before, the author would like to point out that any prejudices real or imaginary are entirely Arthur's own. All dialogue is transcribed as recorded word for word. Words in italics are those uttered by people unknown to the author.**

**Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 7 – The Wedding (29th April 2011) Part One**

Diane, it's 6.30 am and it's going to be a brilliant royal wedding. I can feel it in my bones. I've attended every single one of them. My word I remember Vicky's to Albert – what a day that was! And of course dear Lizzy's after the War to Phil... anyway, here's another generation getting married. Of course I shall be in the background, I'm the Nation so of course I have to be there but I usually keep a low profile.

Oh there's someone at the door...

_Mr Kirkland, Sir...Security Services, could you come with us please?_

Oh okay...

_(switches off Dictaphone)_

Diane, I'm back, this is going to be an awful wedding... I've had a right drubbing from the Chiefs of Special Branch, MI6, MI5 and Scotland Yard. Apparently those bloody idiots are in London and attending the wedding. Denmark's here with the Danish royal family, well they can bloody well take care of him. Louise is here with the Prince and Princess of Belgium actually she's not an idiot, Greece with his folks, Luxy and Netherlands with their royal families, Norway with his folks, Spain is accompanying the Queen of Spain, Sweden and Finland are here so at least that's back-up for anything Denmark tries to do. But the people they were most bothered about were Alfred – who really shouldn't be here, the Obamas aren't here – but I had to tell them I'd invited him. Francis – who's somewhere but they don't know where – honestly I thought they were the intelligence agencies and... oh dear God, Russia. I can't remember inviting him, but he has a tendency to invite himself. They told me that since they're Nations I should deal with them. Ha! Have they tried to deal with France and Russia. Alfred may be easy – I could tell him it's dressing up time and get him in a Guards uniform. Oh I know...

_(picks up phone)_

Hello China?

_Hello, who is this?_

It's me, bloody hell.

_Who?_

China! It's me Arthur.

_Oh, that's okay then. Hello Arthur._

I need your help. It's the Royal Wedding today and...

_I did not get an invitation aru._

I know I'm sorry about that.

_That is not good, Arthur._

Yes, I know, well now you can come along...

_It will be too late._

Oh bugger. I need your help anyway. Russia is here and my people don't know what to do...

_It is not my concern._

Oh please, Yao.

_Don't call me that._

Yes, but, you're the only one who can handle him.

_He is definitely not my concern. We split... I mean we're not... I mean I've had enough, aru. It's always me who has to drag him away from fights, take away the vodka bottle, say no, Vanya you should put that man down now, put that pipe away you're scaring that man, people are not pets Vanya. I am fed up of it, aru. I feel sorry for Lithuania he had to put up with him for 200 years, well I'm not, I'm my own person. Why do you think I built that Wall? To keep him out. I am not his keeper. Do I look like a zookeeper..._

Bye then...

Diane, he was still talking when I put the phone down. But this does not bode well. Russia will be a proper shitty mood if he's had a to-do with China. And France... what the bloody buggering hell is here doing over here? I mean he always always tries to bugger up my royal weddings, every single bloody one of them. He thinks it's funny trying to get into the pants of one of my queens ... and kings. Richard the Lionheart had an affair with Phil of France... And I'm sure Francis turned Edward II's head... poor chappie. But his son, another Edward wasn't having any of it – good lad – started the Hundred Years War with that French tart. I'm going to ring Pierre.

Hello, Pierre.

_Bonjour, Arthur!_

Please help me, Francis is around somewhere. I've got MI5, MI6 looking for him, but what on earth can I do. He's bound to turn up in disguise at the Abbey and bugger things up. I bet he's going to try and get into William's pants...

_Oh no, I will try to find him... I'll just... take my Prozac... He should not be there, non? Monsieur President will not be attending... _

Yes, but he doesn't bloody care does he? He's a sex maniac and will likely de-trouser the groom. Oh God, I'm getting a headache.

_Do not worry, Arthur, I will meet you at the Abbey and we will catch him._

Oh Pierre, thank you so much. I'll be in my Guards uniform.

_Que?_

Never mind, I'll see you there.

Diane, it's now 8.15, Wills and Harry are supposed to arrive at 10.15 and the wedding kicks off at 11.00. I've got two hours to get hold of Francis before he does something horrid to Wills. Wish me luck.

_(switches off Dictaphone)_

Diane, it's now 8.30 and I'm at the Abbey. There's loads of security and I've warned them to look out for a flamboyant blond-haired French man holding a rose and to shoot him on sight. They didn't look too happy about that, so I said just arrest him then. Honestly, modern police methods.

_Dude! Arty! This is so quaint! Did you see all those people!_

Stop shouting Alfred. What on earth are you wearing?

_I thought it was fancy dress. You said you were wearing an Irish costume._

I said Irish Guards uniform, you bloody fool.

_Your costume is cool, man. I love it! Where did you get those medals? And is that sword real?_

Of course it's bloody real and I got those medals in Wars you idiot. And how many times do I have to tell you, this is not a costume it's a uniform. Come with me, you can't wear a spiderman costume for a royal wedding.

_Somebody said I was Fathers for Justice. I have no idea what they meant._

Come with me and I'll find you a uniform.

_Cool, dude._

And what's that smell?

_Don't know._

Have you stepped in something?

_No, man, I'm way too cool! Let's go, I want a sword like that one. Can I have a hat like that as well?_

_(Dictaphone is switched off)_

_(Dictaphone is switched on)_

You're not supposed to wear the hat indoors.

_I can't see anything through all this fur._

Will you please take that bloody hat off?

_I think something's living in it._

Yes – you. Take it off. And bloody hell, what is that smell?

_Ach, Arthur, what the bloody hell are you wearing? And you Alfred? Yer both look like jessies._

Irish guards uniforms.

_What's that smell?_

_Arty, why is he wearing a skirt? _

It's a kilt, Alfred and take off that bloody hat.

_And he says we're jessies. _

_I'm wearing me Royal Highlanders uniform yer American Jessie._

Actually, Hamish I'm glad you're here. Can you look out for Francis and get rid of him for me?

_Francis, aye. I've nae seen him. A guid mate he is to me._

If you can capture him, I'll buy you a bottle of Glenfiddich.

_Ach man, that would be grand._

_Arty, I'm bored, can I have a look around at all those dead people?_

You mean the memorials?

_Hey, never mind, there's Dude Den! (shouting) Dude Den! Over here, dude! Haha, he's sat with Berwald and Tino and he's not allowed to get up. Dude Den! Have you got any beer?_

_Dude Alfred! Got my Carlsberg... but ffffmmmm_

Thank God, Berwald shut him up. Bloody cameras are everywhere. Thank God the BBC keep focussing on Princess Bea's hat – good lass.

_I'm going over there. Fellow dude needs some help. I'm coming, dude. Excuse me... oh hello Dave and Vicky. How's it going? Do you still play for LA Galaxy? Better than Manchesterham isn't it? I like your dress, Vic. Gotta go though, fellow dude needs my help._

_Dude Alfred!_

_Dude Den!_

_What's that smell?_

_I don't know, I think it's this hat._

_Cool, man, can I have one?_

_No you can't, sit down Mathias quickly before the cameras come back on us._

_Shut up Berwald, you're not my dad._

_Sit down, Mathias._

_And you're not my keeper, Norge._

_You're a fool._

_Is that sword real?_

_No dude, it's plastic. Arty wouldn't let me have a real one. He said I was irresponsible and blah blah blah._

Sweden, Finland, can I leave America here with you?

_We're not babysitting him._

_What's that smell?_

Please, if you look after him until after the wedding I'll get you some wagon wheels.

_(whispering) It's worth it._

_I don't know, especially with Mathias, looking after both of them._

_I'm sure we can, we've been in wars. I held off Russia in the Winter War._

_Yes you did, m'wife. _

_We'll do it, but only if we get the jammy ones._

Jammy wagon wheels?

_Yes._

Okay, it's a deal.

_Have you stepped in something?_

_No dude. It's this hat. Something died in it._

Right thank you very much. I have a randy Frenchman to catch. What time is it, Hamish?

_It's aboot time this bloody wedding got started that's what bloody time it is._

_Meow._

Who the bloody hell let a cat in? Greece!

_Hello, I came with my royal family. They are over there. _

Get that cat out of here.

_Come on Mr Kitty._

Wait, is that my kitten?

_Bye then..._

_It's quarter to._

Quarter to what?

_Ten._

You are joking?

_Nae, man. Hey there's our wee little sister! Hey, Erin! Over here._

_Oh Hamish and Arthur, you both look... well..._

You look lovely Erin. And your hair goes well with that hat. Did you pluck your eyebrows?

_Yes and so should you._

I'm proud of my eyebrows. We need your help, Erin, there's a Frenchman on the loose.

_Francis?_

Yes, have you seen him?

_No, but I've seen a big blond man sat crying at the back._

What? Who? Where?

_He's a nation I'm sure of it._

Where, Erin?

_Over there... it looks like he's ripped a standpipe out of a wall, tap and all and he's wearing some tatty uniform. I assumed he was security or something. _

Oh no, bloody sodding hell.

_Who is it, Arthur?_

Bloody sodding big commie bastard Russia, that's who, Hamish.

_Oh._

Seeing as how you're so hard, Hamish, you can go and kick him out eh? Come on.

Hello Russia.

_Privyet, comrade._

You really shouldn't be here, Russia.

_I like weddings. _

_(whispering) Bloody hell, Arthur, he's a bloody big bugger._

I thought you were hard, Hamish?

_I have nae had my Irn Bru._

Really?

_I miss my Yao._

_Oh poor you. What's a yao?_

_Wut?_

_What?_

Russia, this is my little sister, Erin. She's Northern Ireland.

_Privyet, Miss Ireland._

_Oh wow, what big hands you have. _

_You are very pretty, da?_

_Oh thank you, Mr Russia._

_I like your hair. Red is my favourite colour, da._

_Thank you. I get teased a bit about it._

_They will not tease you if I am with you, Miss Ireland._

_You can call me Erin, Mr Russia._

_Oooooh. You can call me Vanya._

_What a lovely name._

_Spasiba._

Oh dear Lord.

_Do you like Guinness?_

_Wut?_

_It's an Irish beverage Mr R... Vanya._

Erin, I don't think this is a good idea. (whispers) He's very unpredictable.

_Shut up, Arthur, you're always telling me what to do. Vanya, would you like to come with me to an Irish bar around the corner and I will buy you a Guinness? You look like you need cheering up?_

_That would be very nice, Erin, da._

_Woooohooo, he's very strong!_

Put her down, Russia!

_He's got my wee sister!_

_Would you like to become one with Mother Russia, little Miss Erin?_

_Ooooh yes please!_

Noooooooo! Hamish, do something.

_Why me, man?_

Well, he's just buggered off with my... our sister! He's just bloody well picked her up, thrown her over his bloody shoulder and bloody well carried her off.

_Aye and she looked pleased about it._

Why didn't you do something?

_I have nae had my Irn Bru, man._

Dear Lord. Well at least that's Russia out of our hair. We'll collect Erin later. We just need to get hold of France. And where is Pierre? He said he would meet me here.

_Bonjour (panting). They tried to arrest me. They said they were arresting every Frenchman within a mile radius. I'm so sorry Arthur. I have not seen him._

Oh Pierre, I'm so glad you're here.

_Maybe he's gone home? _

No, I can sense his presence.

_Aye, me too. I can smell Chanel and roses._

_Champagne._

Where the bloody hell is that French tart? Oh sorry, Pierre.

_I don't see how he can get in, Arthur. Every Frenchman is being arrested. I was questioned and searched._

Well he would love that... being searched. Bloody pervert.

_(shouting) Dude Arty! Seen fat commie bastard dude running out with your sister over his shoulder!_

Stay there Alfred, stop shouting, I'll come to you...

_What is that smell?_

It's Alfred I think he stepped in something.

_Big fat commie dude had your sister over his shoulder. She looked really pleased though. He knocked down some police dudes. One of them said oooh lala! I didn't think they said anything like that. And I checked my hat – there isn't anything dead in it._

Wait, what did you say?

_I said... big fat commie dude had your ..._

No, about the police?

_Oh yes, he knocked down some police dudes._

After that...

_There isn't anything dead in my hat – I checked._

No you big fool, what did the police dude say?

_Haha! Arty said dude!_

Did you just say that the police said ooo lala?

_Yes, that's what I said._

No British policeman would say that - ooo lala.

_He wasn't a policeman, Arthur. He was a policegirl._

A policewoman?

_Yes, gorgeous legs._

Where?

_Under her skirt._

No, oh God help me. I mean where's the policewoman?

_Over there. Phwoar, I could have a go at that, eh dude Den?_

_Something smells. But yes, she's very cute, nice long blond hair in a ribbon, red white and blue ribbon. That's patriotic._

I bet... oh no...

_Voice-over of BBC announcer – 'And now the groom, Prince William of Wales and his best man, Prince Harry are entering the Abbey...'_

Oh dear Lord, Francis will try to de-bag the groom, we have to stop him.

_But, Arthur, we don't know where he is?_

Pierre, I've figured out his disguise... he's a policewoman!

_Non!_

_No way, man._

_Haha! I'll stop him, I'm the hero. Oh wait, why's it gone black?_

Take that damn hat off.

_What's that smell?_

We're running out of time! He's going to de-keg the future King of England...

_(BBC cameras pan back to Princess Beatrice's hat)_

**To be continued...**

**Author's Note: Richard I The Lionheart had a childless marriage and it was rumoured he was bisexual, supposedly having an affair with Philip II of France.**

**Edward II was rumoured to be bisexual. His son, Edward III did indeed start the 100 years War.**

**Fathers for Justice are a group of fathers who protest about their right to access to their children – often staging very public demonstrations wearing superhero customes.**

**Glenfiddich – Scottish malt whisky**

**Princess Bea – Princess Beatrice. During the Royal Wedding coverage the BBC cameras kept panning back to her and her hat. Perhaps now we know why.**

**Winter War – a military conflict between Finland and the Soviet Union just before the start of the 2nd World War which ended in 1940 – Finland did successfully hold off a full scale invasion of the Red Army.**

**Wagon wheels – chocolate biscuits topped with marshmallow and a coating of chocolate – also come in 'jammy' versions – with strawberry jam in the marshmallow.**

**Guinness – a popular dry Irish stout.**

**The Irish Guards uniform consisted of a large bearskin fur hat – this could be the 'hat' that Alfred insists on wearing that Arthur keeps telling him to take off.**

**Spasiba – thank you in Russian.**

**De-bag and de-keg are English phrases which mean to de-trouser – i.e. to take someone's trousers off by force usually.**

**Scottish phrases**

**Nae – not or no**

**Guid - good**


	8. The Wedding Part Two

**Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: PirateIggyJones, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ and of course all my anonymous readers.**

**The following is a follow-up to the typed transcript from 'Arthur Kirkland's' Dictaphone which was entitled 'The Wedding'. This appeared to be on the same date - 29th April 2011, on the day that Prince William of Wales married Catherine Middleton. Although Arthur frequently refers to 'Wills', 'Harry' and someone called 'Ma'am', it is unclear whether these are just the ramblings of a person caught up in the media hysteria of the day. **

**As before, the author would like to point out that any prejudices real or imaginary are entirely Arthur's own. All dialogue is transcribed as recorded word for word. Words in italics are those uttered by people unknown to the author.**

Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 8 – The Wedding Part Two

...We're running out of time! He's going to de-keg the future King of England...

_(BBC cameras pan back to Princess Beatrice's hat)_

Pierre you go down that side, Alfred you go down that side and I'll take the middle. And Alfred?

_Yep, Arty?_

Take that bloody hat off.

_What about me, Alfred?_

Hamish, you go and tell Prince William not to go anywhere near a policewoman who looks like a Frenchman in drag.

_Yer what?_

Go and tell Prince William not to go near Francis – he's dressed as a policewoman.

_Prince Willie's dressed as a policewoman? What fer?_

Oh dear Lord, just go away.

_He might try and get the bride._

Alfred, take that hat off. Oh there's Bryn, he'll help. (shouts) Bryn, Bryn!

_Who's that Arty? _

Bryn Kirkland-Evans, my other brother.

_What?_

Wales. Bryn can you tell Prince William not, on any account, to go near any policewoman?

_Helloooo Arthur. Well, I suppose so. Who's this?_

It's Alfred, you know... America.

_Ooooh. Hmmm..._

_Arthur, he sounds weird._

He's Welsh.

_Aye, I suppose soooooo. But why?_

Just don't ask, just do it, I'll explain later.

_What's that smell, Arthur?_

Right, sorted. Hopefully, Wills won't get de-bagged by Francis. I can relax a bit.

(sound of trumpets) _BBC announcer – Her Majesty, the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh are now entering the Abbey._

Come on, Alfred, out of the way, it's Her Maj.

_Top dude. I need to meet her!_

No, oh God, no.

_Yo, your Majesty, I'm America, yer know, like Arthur here is England, well I'm America. _

_Pleased to meet you, I'm sure._

Hmm Ma'am, I do apologise, this is Mr Alfred Jones, he's the personification of America. I think you may have met him on a State visit to the Whitehouse some years ago.

_Yeah, right, sorry your Maj, I meet loads of kings and queens and I can never remember them all. Your Lady Di was nice though, gorgeous. I could have really gone for her... is she here, Arty?_

(whispers) Shut up! Excuse me, Ma'am, I'm sure you have to get to your seat.

_(a very upper class male accent) I say, what is that awful smell? Arthur have you trod in something, old chap?_

Erm, your Highness, no, it's... I don't know...

_BBC Announcer – After exchanging pleasantries with the guards of honour – all dressed impressively in Scots Guards uniforms, her Majesty the Queen and Prince Philip are now making their way to their seats at the front of the Abbey._

_Dude, she's old. Is she like your Grandma or something and who was that old dude with her? That was rude, man, you don't smell._

She's the bloody Queen you idiot. Of course she's not my Grandmother. And that was her husband, Prince Philip. And no, I don't smell, it's you, you blithering idiot. You've trod in something.

_Arthur, Monsieur l'Angleterre!_

Oh Pierre! What's wrong?

_It is your Prince... he is missing... I think..._

Oh no...please tell me it's not true...

_It's not true._

Shut up, Alfred.

_He is in a toilet with Francis, I am sure of it. _

Oh dear Lord. Our future King. Right, lead the way, Pierre.

_Yes but Arty – there's your Prince William over there chatting with that grey-haired old lady and that old dude and that other grey haired old dude with the sticky-out ears._

Oh, you mean the Queen, Prince Philip and Prince Charles?

_Dunno._

But who is in the toilet with Francis?

_Hola amigos!_

Spain, can you come with us, please?

_Si._

You're a friend of Francis', so you can help us to detain him eh?

_Si._

_BBC Announcer: The bride, Miss Catherine Middleton has just arrived at the Abbey with her father and the bridesmaids. The Princes of Wales... oh wait where is Prince Harry of Wales the best man? There appears to be some confusion. _

_(BBC Cameras sweep back to Princess Beatrice's hat.)_

Oh noooooo, it's Harry.

_(sounds of running)_

Francis!

_Honhonhon, I really like you 'arry, you can have my telephone number, non?_

_France, amigo, you have to let him go now!_

_Dude Francis, not cool, dude, like he's a King!_

No, he's not, he's third in line to the throne!

_What? There's a queue?_

Shut up! Are you alright your Highness?

_Oh I say, my word! Have I missed the wedding?_

_No, signore._

_You need to pull up your pants, royal dude person._

Francis, you are dead meat.

_Honhonhon, your leetle Prince was very nice..._

I think you need to get back there to your brother, your Highness.

_Honhonhon do not forget your lovely ring..._

What's that doing there? You bloody pervert, give that back!

_It might need a wash, dude._

Give me that bloody ring. Oh dear Lord.

_Come and get it... Arthur... ow! __Qui a été __douloureuse!_

You bloody deserved it, you French tart. Harry! Here's the ring.

_Oh I say, jolly good. Please don't say anything to Grandmama or Pops about this eh? And I really appreciate it, old chaps if this didn't go any further? I say, though, do you think that Francis person is free? I mean do you think he might, you know, with a chappie like me? _

No, no, no, no, no, no...

_Arthur, are you alright?_

_Signore Inglaterra, you are alright?_

_(Dictaphone is switched off)_

* * *

><p>Diane, I think I blacked out there and missed the whole wedding ceremony. Francis has been carted off by Pierre (who's still popping pills) and the happy couple are now signing the register. I think we managed to avert a disaster – just.<p>

_Is this your responsibility?_

Excuse me? Why are you holding him like that?

_This person? He says he's under your charge?_

_Arty dude, this Colonel dude said I was an idiot and had made a mess._

_Have you seen the state of that carpet? We are going to have to clean it quickly before their Highnesses' procession._

Who are you? I'm General Arthur Kirkland and...

_Well, I'm Colonel Worthington-Smythe and I'm in charge of security here. And your idiot VIP has just trod horse manure all over the Abbey._

Oh dear Lord... I want to go home.

_Hey, it's not me._

_Well who is it then?_

_That tall Danish dude with the bottles of Carlsberg over there._

_(whispers) Come on, Arty dude, let's run while he's distracted._

Oh God, I hate you. _(sounds of running)_

_Quick, this way._

This is the back entrance.

_I know, cool eh? Hey, there's a boxy thing and horses, quick we'll use them as a getaway._

You mean a coach and horses and I think it's meant for...

_Come on Arty! _

Get out of there!

_Woohoo, hey, Gilbert my man!_

_Kesese, get in, dude, awesome! We can pull a joke on the English dudes in here. If you lay on the floor you might be able to see up her dress._

Get out of there! Oh I give up. I'm going home.

* * *

><p>Diane, I was just walking down the Kings Road in my full uniform, several people by the way had their photograph taken with me – I think they thought I was just getting into the mood of the day, and I saw on the news Prussia and America being forced to the ground by armed policemen. Good. Serves them right. The person I would most like to see forced to the ground with a gun in his ear is Francis though, for debagging a Prince of the Realm. I will get my revenge. Oh and I passed by an Irish bar – Paddy McGinty's and peeked in, just on the off-chance. Sat in a corner was Russia drinking Guinness with my little sister, Erin. She was sat on his knee. They both looked really happy. In fact, it's the first time I've ever seen Russia without his horrible creepy smile on his face, so I left them. It's got nothing to do with being afraid of him. I am armed with a sword after all, but they did look really good together and who am I to get in the way of love, or big Russians come to that?<p>

Well, I'm home now. I'm plotting my revenge on France now. I can't, unfortunately, start a war with him, my boss would not allow that, but there are other things I can do... oh yes. Just you wait, you French tart, you bloody pervert... at the next world meeting, I'm going to...

_(Dictaphone's batteries run out and the machine switches off)_

**Author's Note: Bryn Kirkland-Evans – personification of Wales, not sure if there is an official name already for him, so have made one up. Bryn and Evans both being very popular Welsh names (I'm quarter Welsh myself)**

**There was at least half an hour during the televised transmission of the Royal Wedding where Princes William and Harry disappeared from view – perhaps now we know why?**

**qui a été douloureuse – that was painful**


	9. Revenge Part One

**Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: renabug97, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers.**

**The following is a typed transcript from 'Arthur Kirkland's' Dictaphone which was entitled 'The Revenge'. The author is unsure who Arthur is planning revenge on, however, as the date is sometime after the previous transcript of the Royal Wedding, it may be assumed he is planning revenge on the person he refers to as 'France', 'Francis', 'that bloody pervert' and 'Francy-pants'. It should be noted, however, no corroboration can be made as to the real Prince Harry being found with his trousers down with a Frenchman dressed as a policewoman. However, due to my inside sources, some parts of Arthur's story can be corroborated – the floor of Westminster Abbey had to be steam-cleaned and sterilised during and after the Wedding due to 'substances brought in on an unidentified person or persons' footwear (BBC coverage during this time focussed either on the bride or on Princess Beatrice's hat) and an American and a mentally-disturbed man who described himself to Special Branch Officers as 'Prussian' and 'Awesome' were arrested and deported. Also a six-foot tall Russian man and a small Irish girl were arrested in an Irish bar named Paddy McGinty's for causing a disturbance. The Russian man had knocked out several police officers before finally being subdued.**

**As before, the author would like to point out that any prejudices real or imaginary are entirely Arthur's own. All dialogue is transcribed as recorded word for word. Words in italics are those uttered by people unknown to the author.**

Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 9 – The Revenge

Hello Diane, another day, another meeting. I'm in Naples – which is very nice of course. But it's also crackers. I've just landed and... oh bloody Italians... they are useless, everything is either done at 100 miles an hour like their driving – they can't bloody drive to save their lives, or zero miles per hour, like now, bloody customs. Anyway, I'm going to sort out Francy-pants once and for all, oh yes. He will rue the day that he ever got into the pants of one my princes.

Why Naples? I mean obviously I would have preferred good old London town, or Brussels, I like Vienna as well, very civilised. Berlin is okay, but then Germany would be in charge and he likes being in charge too bloody much at the moment. And of course, whenever we've had conferences in Berlin, Russia goes off on a rant about the Battle of Berlin and how he handed Germany his arse back to him and then we have to pull them apart (we meaning me of course).

What is it about these Italians? They all look the bloody same, these southern ones all look like Romano – small, dark-haired and bone idle.

Oh here's my taxi.

Erm buongiourno, erm... oh here's the bloody address, I can't say it... Piaza del... Fiorgo? Oh God, it sounds like some kind of pizza.

_Si, ciao..._

Aaaaaaargh, bloody hell, do you have to drive so bloody fast?

_Si._

Oh dear Lord, mind that poor woman... argh that dog...

_Si, signore._

I'm not looking... mind that scooter...

_Si._

Like I say, Diane, I hate Italians. Bloody nutcases. All the Nations should be here today. Well, all the European ones anyway... and America... he shoves his nose in wherever he can. The Euro has bugger all to do with him. China said he was coming. I have no idea why. He laughed when I asked him and said he was going to buy Italy. I'm not sure which one. There are two by the way, North – Feliciano who I mentioned at the last G8 and his idiot older brother, South – Romano. I have the awful feeling its Romano who's hosting this meeting. If I were China I wouldn't buy either, neither are worth much.

Right here we are, er thank you, er grazie! Here's your tip...

_Che è spazzatura!_

You're very welcome! Arrivederci!

_(sounds of skidding tyres)_

Bloody hell, do they have to wheel-spin everywhere?

_Welcome to my house, tea bastard. Wipe your feet, dammit._

Well aren't you a little ray of sunshine? Who else is here, Romano?

_Garlic bastard, piano bastard, tomato bastard, vodka bastard, potato bastard, cheese bastard, computer bastard, beer bastard, trembling bastards, skirt bastard and fratello._

Okay, okay, must you swear? I mean is it really necessary to call us all bastards?

_Si._

Why are you wearing that moustache?

_Moooooouuuustache. It makesa me more of a boss, si?_

No not really. If you're trying to make yourself look tough, it's not working. Besides it's lopsided.

Is America not here yet? Or China? And who's skirt bastard? Do you mean Hungary, dear Lord if she hears you...

_Hamburger bastard and noodle bastard are not here yet. Poland is skirt bastard. Hungary! No, I like Hungary. Do you think a guy like me and a woman like her._

Dear Lord, I don't... yes, why not, go for it, Romano...

_Si, signore Inghliterra._

Oh well, here goes. In for a penny in for a pound. Are the Nordics here Romano?

_No, no Viking bastards, yet._

Who do you mean by beer bastard?

_Kesese!_

Oh nooooo.

_Kolkolkol._

Who decided it was a good idea to let him be in the same room as him.

_(sounds of smashing, glass breaking and wood splintering)_

_Someone get him off my bruder!_

_Inghlaterra you have to help Luddy, Mr Russia is attacking Mr Prussia._

_You tried to steal Gilbird! You un-awesome vodka-drinking fat commie bastard... hnnnnngggggmmmfff._

_Kolkolkol, I like Gilbird, I was stroking him._

_You were killing him... nggggg get off me you fat..._

_Not fat, big-boned._

_Russiaaaaa!_

_Somebody help me he's going to kill my bruder! Austria, Spain... France?_

_(sounds of whistling)_

Hello, chappies where are you lot going?

_I need the toilet, ja._

_Si._

_Honhonhon, there is some sexual tension being released in zat room, l'Angleterre, you should join in, non?_

Bugger off, Francy-pants. Actually... erm Francis... when you have a minute...

_Oui, mon petit ange?_

I need to speak with you... in private... you know...

_Oh l'Angleterre, you have finally succumbed to my affections. You will be mine, non?_

Urgh... I mean, maybe, this afternoon, after the meeting... meet me later?

_Oh oui, oh Arthur! Finally, we will consummate our love, we will faire l'amour. Again. Ah remember, Arthur, that night after Waterloo... such sweet music we made._

Shut up you French frog... I mean oh yes... of course...

_Ah l'Angleterre... we will be as one..._

_(whispers) _I'm going to throw up, Diane, but this is all part of my cunning plan. Shut up, Tinkerbell, it will bloody work. I suppose I should sort out those arguing morons. Oh wait.

_(sounds of shots)_

_You will all stop now, you are upsetting my little Lily. _

_Cheese bastard has brought rifles._

_Yay Mr Switzerland..._

_Danke Switzerland..._

_Point that rifle at me again and I will wrap it around your neck, da?_

_I'm off anyway, this meeting is totally un-awesome. I'm far too awesome to stay here... I'm going to find me some cute Italian girls and some beer. Dude Tony! Dude Francis! Are you two coming with me?_

_No, my government says I have to stay... I have a lot to sort out..._

_Non, mon ami, I am on a promise with my leetle Arthur..._

You're bloody not you... oh...

_Can we get started with this meeting? We have a lot to go through. Is there anybody still missing._

_Germany Germany, can I sit with you? _

_Oh Italy, yes I suppose so. _

_You will help my country won't you?_

_Vell, I suppose so... Chancellor Merkel says that..._

_... it's not just you, Italy, we're all struggling..._

_If my little Baltics come back to me then they will be okay, da? What about it, Lithuania? You can come back and live with me in Leningrad, I mean St Petersburg?_

_Leave Liet alone, you big bully. He's mine. And I'll enact the Poland Rule if you go near him, Braginski._

_What about you, little Latvia? Don't you miss big brother Russia?_

_I...I...I... I'm in the EU now, Mr Russia... and... er_

_But that doesn't matter... you can leave them...da? Mr Pipe says you can._

_Why d...d... doesn't anyone ever s...s...stick up for m... me?_

_Honhonhon, leetle Latvia, I will stick up for you._

_You will leave my little Latvia alone, he belongs to me, da?_

_Yo, Dudes! I know you are all waiting for me! I mean now this meeting can start because I, the Hero, am here._

Oh dear Lord. I hope to God you've wiped your bloody shoes this time.

_I told you, Arty, that wasn't me! I think it was Dude Den._

Never mind that now, can we get on with the meeting?

_Ja, I agree... my agenda is this...oh now what? Italy, you don't have to hold up your hand to speak._

_Ve, Miss Hungary and Miss... I mean Mr China is here... and the Nordics..._

_Roddy! I thought we were coming together? Why didn't you wait for me?_

_I caught the earlier flight with Vash._

_Hmm, I see, well, if you're going to be like that..._

_Si, Miss Elizaveta, can I call you that? You should be with a real man?_

_What? Romano? What the hell are you talking about?_

_We caught a taxi together, aru._

_Yao! You came, you can sit with me, da? And we can laugh at these capitalist idiots together._

_I'm not sitting with you, Ivan. I'm fed up of getting you out of fights..._

_... you missed one earlier, we could have done with your help, Mr China._

_... pulling you out of bars, stitching you up, your hangovers... aru. I am too old for this._

_Kolkolkol..._

_Aaaaargh, Germany!_

_Get off my knee, Italy._

_I don't care, aru..._

_... and Miss Elizaveta, I could take you away from all this... _

_Romano! Will you please go away and play somewhere else?_

Why don't we all calm down and have a nice cup of tea? Romano put the kettle on.

_Put it on? _

_Do you, like, wear it? Like a hat?_

No, I mean switch it on, you fools.

_Put it on yourself, you tea bastard._

Oh honestly, these bloody fools.

_I will help, aru._

_... but Yao... we can just be friends... _

_No we can't, aru. And don't kolkol me._

_We can't be friends... but..._

_Here, Mr Russia, I've got some vodka..._

_Oh, Toris, you were always my favourite little Baltic._

_Like, Liet, why?_

_It calms him down, Pol._

_(whispers) _Diane, I'm having to make my own bloody tea, bloody Romano is still trying to chat up Hungary – he won't get far there, I reckon. But I have a plan regarding Francy. Just watch and learn from the master.

_Make some for me..._

_And me..._

_That's five coffees, two teas, one chocolate, Mr France says can he a Latte and big brother wants a cappuccino._

Your bloody brother can make his own... it's his bloody house and he's supposed to be the bloody host.

_I will have an Expresso._

_Dude Alfred! Where's the beer?_

Feliciano, tell them all to bugger off. I'm making a big pot of tea and if they don't like it they can sod off. Oh and ask your idiot brother if he has any custard creams. If I recall correctly Mr Russia likes them and they might put him in a better mood.

_Do you need some help, Arthur?_

Oh Yao, thank you. But what's happening in there? Oh God, actually don't tell me.

_Ivan is drinking vodka. I'm fed up of him... it's over between us. Thank God._

Hmm, well he was getting friendly with my sister the other week.

_Really? Oh... Well I don't care, we're both free agents. It's got nothing to do with me._

He asked her to become one with him.

_He says that to everyone...aru._

_England! We want a word with you!_

_(crash)_

You idiots! You made me drop my pot of tea!

_Ja, you promised us wagon wheels for babysitting America._

_Ja, he did._

_(whispers)_

_Ja, ja, I know. I only had two yesterday._

_I can't cope without them._

_Jammy ones, England, you promised jammy wagon wheels._

Bloody Nordics. I... erm... well you didn't do a bloody good job with him did you? He escaped!

_A deal's a deal. He sat with us... if you can't fully control your son..._

He's not my son!

_He's not my father!_

Well, you can have them later... I do have them... they're in my suitcase.

_You did not bring a suitcase, Mr Inghlaterra._

Shut the bloody hell up, Italy.

_We want those wagon wheels._

_Yes, we're not going back to Helsinki until we get them. _

_Su-san, if ...if I don't get my wagon wheels then I don't know what I will do..._

_I know, m'wife._

_I miss them. I only ate three yesterday._

_This is what you've done, England. Fin and Su are addicted. _

Oh, you are bloody joking, Norway. What the bloody hell type of person gets addicted to wagon wheels?

_I'm not responsible for what they do to you if they don't get their wagon wheels._

_It is very irresponsible, aru, to promise something to someone and then not to deliver._

Shut up, China.

_Mr Inghlaterra, the Vikings, I mean those Nordics are very scary when they're angry._

I'm not bloody scared of that lot. Right... tea!

_Pastaaaaaa!_

... and pasta apparently.

_(sounds of slurping and eating)_

_Pastaaaaa!_

_You've already said._

_We, like, know it's pasta._

_With tomatoes?_

_I like this cheese sauce._

_It is very good... I cooked it with tomato puree and then a little parmesan with some olive oil..._

_(whispers) _Francis, I need to speak to you... can you meet me upstairs in ... in...

_Ze bedroom? Honhonhon. But of course, mon petit..._

Yes, that's it... (_whispers) _Oh yes, you think you're so clever...

_Au revoir, mes amies._

_Where is he going? Mein Gott! Ve have too much to go through. Chancellor Merkel said that Sarkozy said..._

_L'amour is more important than finance, Mr Germany._

_Mein Gott! I can't believe he said that._

_Luddy, you've gone very white._

_Chill out, dude._

_I vill not chill out. This is why we are all in such a mess. You never take these meetings seriously._

_This pasta is very good, little Italy. You should become one with Russia and cook for me, da? I like your country also, it is very warm._

_Ger... Ger... Germany, help me..._

Mr Russia, may I have a word?

_Is it about your little sister?_

Yes, yes, it is.

_Da, okay..._

Come with me.

_Okay, can my vodka come with me?_

Yes it can.

_And Mr Pipe?_

Oh yes, that would be very good... bwahahaha.

_You had better be getting my wagon wheels, England!_

_Yes f' me and m'wife._

Erm yes... Come with me, Mr Russia.

_(sounds of steps)_

Just up these stairs...

_Is Erin okay? She did not ring me back? I rang her six times yesterday and I texted her with my new little phone but she did not answer._

You need to talk to... hahaha! _(sounds of door being flung open) _France!

_Wut? _

Bwahahaha!

_Wut?_

Wait a bloody minute, where is that bloody pervert? _(sounds of rummaging)_

_Wut?_

France! Get out of that wardrobe, this is not funny.

_Wut?_

_(sounds of key being turned in the lock)_

_Why have you locked us in here, England? Mr Pipe is very angry._

It wasn't me. Why would I... Oh shit...

**Authors Notes:**

**Buongiourno – good morning or good day in Italian (quite formal)**

**Ciao – hello/goodbye/hi in Italian (informal)**

**Grazie – thank you in Italian**

**che è spazzatura – that is rubbish in Italian**

**Arrivederci – goodbye in Italian**

**Mon petit ange – my little angel in French**

**Chancellor Merkel – Chancellor of Germany**

**Sarkozy – President of France**


	10. Revenge Part Two  Vodka da?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or the characters therein.**

**Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: renabug97, cosanera, SeXtAPoP, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers.**

**The following is a typed transcript from Arthur Kirkland's Dictaphone entitled 'Vodka da', which does not translate as anything. The author is unsure as to what transpired in the events dictated below and it appears that several different people took possession of the Dictaphone before it was eventually returned to Arthur.**

**As before, the author would like to point out that any prejudices real or imaginary are entirely Arthur's own. All dialogue is transcribed as recorded word for word. Words in italics are those uttered by people unknown to the author.**

Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 10 – The Revenge 2, 'Vodka da'

Someone locked the bloody door.

_You locked the door, England?_

Of course not, how could I? I'm stood in front of you.

_Why did you lock us in, England?_

I didn't... I bet... France... the craft little bugger...

_Hummmmm, I do not like this. Mr Pipe does not like this._

Well, bash the bloody door down then? Okay I will... if you'll just move...

_Hummmm_

O...oookay, Russia, you don't have to move from the door, that's okay...

_You were going to tell me why Erin did not ring me, nyet?_

Oh yes, Erin... well...

_I try now... I have my little phone..._

Noooooooooooo.

_(tinny sound of 'Riverdance' is heard)_

_Wut?_

I don't know.

_That is Erin's phone, nyet?_

Really? No, I don't think so... ah, I know, I have the same ringtone... just a minute...

_Hummm, I will try again..._

No wait... she lent me her phone. I forgot...

_You have Erin's phone? That is why she did not ring me?_

Yes it must be... I forgot all about it...

_I do not like you, England._

Well...

_Mr Pipe does not like you..._

Wait! I had to borrow her phone because she was being bothered... by... France!

_Francis was bothering Erin?_

Yes! He would not leave her alone so I had to take it ... to give her some peace... yes.

_I am going to talk to France and Mr Pipe will also be talking to France..._

_(sounds of splintering wood)_

Bwahahaha! _(whispers) _Diane! It worked anyway, big Russkie will go and beat up France, thinking that he's got in the way of him and Erin... ha! In your face you garlic-loving...

_Who are you talking to, England?_

Wah! How did you do that?

_I am silent ninja, da? _

I... I ... I thought you'd buggered off.

_Nyet. Who are you talking to? Who is in your jacket pocket? Who is Diane?_

What? I haven't got anyone in my jacket pocket.

_Da, here..._

NNngggfmmmffh, I say, do you mind, get off...

_(sounds of bashing, Dictaphone is obviously being bashed and fumbled about with and there is heavy breathing into the microphone)_

_Privet, privet... (a loud voice shouts into the microphone – transcriber had to turn the volume down to near zero to avoid having eardrums split)_

Russia that's not yours, give it back.

_Privet, little person... what is its name? Is it a fairy? Tinkerbell? Da?_

Oh dear Lord, its Diane. It's not...

_Aw, Diane. He keeps you captive in little box... you will be mine, Diane. I will look after you and free you..._

_(sounds of bashing)_

Noooooo, you'll break it... not the pipe.

_Wut?_

Russia, you'll kill her... you'll kill the fairy if you break the box...

_Oooooh, da. She is like Tinkerbell, da?_

Er, yes, why not. She's like Tinkerbell.

_But you still have Erin's phone?_

Da, I mean yes. I still have Erin's phone... Erm I tell you what, give me Diane back and I will give you Erin's home telephone number.

_You would?_

Da, I mean, er yes.

_Well..._

It's 0 28 57557557.

_Ooooh, spasiba._

Thank you, I'll take my ... erm Diane back now.

_Nyet, she will stay with me for a while. She says she is unhappy and she likes being with me._

She can't bloody... oh okay... right, you know there's really no need to wave that pipe around.

_(sounds of fumbling, heavy breathing and whispering) I will take care of you little Diane, you will be safe with me and I will find a way of freeing you, and you will be mine and we can become one, da?_

Yes I know Tinkerbell... shut up... just... shut up...

_Wut?_

Tinkerbell says to look after her sister, but she needs to be handled carefully or she will die.

_Ooooh._

Bloody shut the hell up, Tinks. _(sounds of whispering) _I know, but we might get some security secrets out of this... MI5...

_Wut?_

Nothing, nothing. Tinkerbell said that you can look after her sister for the rest of the day, but then I will have to have her back or she will die.

_Noooooo, little fairy..._

Yes, Russia... Shut up, Tinks will you... She has to be fed special fairy food or she will die.

_Poor little fairy. _

_(sounds of fumbling)_

_But I keep her for the rest of the meeting, da?_

Yes, Russia... but you have to look after her and not shout at anyone, because she gets easily scared and the shock will kill her. Apart from France, because he's a big idiot and ...

_Little fairy..._

Bollocks... shut up Tinks... it's not stupid... It will work...

_Come with me, Diane, I will take care of you and I will tell you all about me and my country..._

Yes! Hahaha! See, Tinks... M will love me for this. _(there are sounds of badly hummed James Bond theme tune which fades out)_

_You can come with me to the meeting, Diane. This is Mr Pipe, he will not hurt you, Diane. He is my friend. This is Vodka, da? It is my fuel and makes me very strong and very fast when I drink it. And it makes me happy. You can meet my friend Yao and also Toris and Raivis and Eduard. Toris, Raivis and Eduard used to be my friends, they were my little Baltics and I miss them. One day they will be mine again. I do not like Amerika, he is not my friend, he shouts a lot and calls me fat. I am not fat, Diane, I am big-boned. _

_(sounds of heavy footsteps)_

_The Vikings are very funny Diane, I like Tino. He used to live with me like my little brother, but he is not my brother. I will tell you all about my family, Diane._

_(sounds of someone singing the James Bond theme tune) _Russia! You should tell Diane all about your Government and that missile defence system they are making.

_It is not very exciting, Diane, little fairies are not interested in such things. I will tell you all about my sisters. Ukraine is very nice and she knits me mittens and scarves and last year she knitted me a sweater with kittens on it. It was pink, pink is my favourite colour..._

_Gay dude! Hahahaha._

_Kolkolkol, excuse me, little one, while I hit Amerika._

_Ow, what the hell?_

_But even when I wear pink, people are still scared of me._

Tell Diane about that new nuclear submarine your government has just launched...

_And then there is my sister, Belarus. She scares me a lot, Diane. (whispers) She chases me with knives and once she tied me up and made me take something called Niagara..._

_Bloody hell, did your sister really give you Viagara?_

_Hahaha, Russkie dude has to have Viagara to get going..._

_Kolkolkol..._

Oh for God's sake, give me Diane back, Russia, you're scaring her..

_Nyet...she likes me..._

She's scared...

_Ha! Russkie dude is talking to a Dictaphone!_

_It is not... it is a fairy..._

_You're delusional... it's a Dictaphone... ow!_

_You're a fairy... oh shit..._

_Kolkolkol_

Right that's it, Tinkerbell says that Diane has to live in my pocket or she will die...

_Nyet... little fairy..._

_(Dictaphone is switched off)_

* * *

><p><em>(Dictaphone is switched on)<em>

_Here, Mr America, your head will be okay now. Just try not to touch the bandages._

_Thanks, Livonia, Russkie dude nearly took my head off._

_Lithuania._

_Yes, that's what I said._

_(sigh)_

I told you not to call him names...

_Why the bloody hell did he have a Dictaphone? Is he spying or something?_

No... it was mine... he thought it was a fairy.

_The guy's a complete dickwipe._

Alfred, shut up. I thought if he had it for a while I could get some state secrets from him.

_That guy knows nothing, Arty. I mean do you think the Russkie government would tell him anything?_

He's a General in the Russian Army, Alfred, he probably knows more than you... but that's not saying much.

_I know, right?_

Eh?

_Gimme that thing._

_(sounds of fumbling)_

_Is this switched on? Where are the lights? There's no display! _

_(again, the transcriber had to turn the volume down)_

Alfred, it's a Dictaphone, you talk into it.

_Helloooooooo... I'm America. The Hero. The bravest, most courageous person to walk the planet. I saved all these asses back in World War Two..._

Oh shut up.

_It's not working, Arty. _

Oh shut up.

_Now this is a proper phone._

_(tinny sound of Star-Spangled banner)_

_And mine plays Angry Birds..._

It's not a bloody phone!

_(tinny sounds of Riverdance)_

_Woohoo, see it does play music, Arty!_

Oh hang on, that's...

_Privet! Erin! _

No, Russia, I told you... oh dear Lord...

_You have Erin's phone, England... why?_

I told you earlier... Russia. Dear Lord, you have the memory of a goldfish. France was bothering her...

_Da, I will ring her home number... France, I will deal with him later, da?_

I can bloody hear him from the next room...

_He's a nutcase, Arty._

We'd better get back to the meeting. Thank you, Toris, for bandaging up Alfred.

_It is okay, Mr England. A word of advice about Mr Russia, though._

Go on, then.

_His memory is very bad and also his concentration is very bad. He has had many blows to the head. _

_Haha! Big fat commie dude has problems!_

Shut up, Alfred. Go on, Lithuania.

_You can distract him very easily, but I would not try to get him to beat someone up for you as revenge._

I really don't know what you mean. What a thing to say! I'm shocked you would think that.

_Hmmmm._

_Dude Arty are you trying to get commie dude to beat someone up?_

Of course not!

* * *

><p><em>Haha. I'm back to convene the meeting.<em>

_Can we please get on with this? Chancellor Merkel has rung me four times in the last hour asking if we have come to an agreement, nein?_

_We did, ve, we decided on pasta for dinner._

_Pizza, dammit._

_Noodles, aru._

_Not about the food, about the economic crisis and the next meeting... Mein Gott! You all don't care do you? And where the hell is France?_

Good question, Germany, where the bloody hell is that cheese-eating pervert?

_Da, Mr Pipe needs to speak to him. _

Exactly. Italy, go and find him will you, there's a good lad.

_And where is Austria and Hungary? I hope Austria is back soon, we are sharing a taxi back to the airport. I'm not paying for one on my own._

_Do you think of anything but your wallet, Switzerland?_

_Where's the Viking dudes?_

_I'm here, man._

_Yes, Dude Den, but where's Susan and Fin?_

Susan? Why the bloody hell? Oh, don't tell me, just don't...

_(a door crashes open)_

_We're here... we've been looking through your bag, England..._

_Yes 'nd you lied._

_... there are no wagon wheels..._

_Dum dum derrr..._

Shut up, Alfred, you're not helping.

_I mean, come on. What the hell? _

_I am not happy. Tell them, Su, how unhappy I am._

_M'wife is not happy..._

_Hahaha! This is brilliant! Sve and Fin are going to kill England! Top dudes!_

It's not funny, Denmark.

_Actually it is. Kind of._

Alfred! Help me!

_(sounds of scrambling, crashes)_

Aaaargh!

_Aaaargh, G...e...r...m...a...n...y! Vikings! Mr Sweden has a sword! Eeeek!_

_They are not after you, Feliciano, get off my knee!_

Oh so that's bloody alright is it? Sodding hell! Alfred! My dear son... my brother... remember how I brought you up, gave you fish and chips?

_Hahaha, Arty! You look really funny!_

_(sounds of wood splintering)_

_You cannot run around the table all afternoon, England!_

_You will feel the edge of m'sword!_

Oooooh sodding bloody hell! Aaargh!

_Enough! This is not good! Mr Pipe is not happy._

_(sudden silence)_

Th... th.. thanks, Russia...

_Da. Mr Sweden and Mr Finland will sit down and shut up. _

_You can't tell us what to do, can he Su?_

_Well..._

_(sound of metal clanking on wood)_

_That's my table, dammit..._

_Mr Sweden and Mr Finland will sit down and be quiet and not scare the little fairy any more, da? _

_(here the Dictaphone appeared to malfunction as the voice got so loud there was static)_

_Da? Da?_

_Erm, I think we'd better sit down. _

_Arthur's a little fairy!_

_Hey, it's got, like, really cold!_

_Hahahaha! Swe and Fin's scared of big Russkie dude!_

_Denmark, you're a fool._

_Hummm, I am not happy. If little fairy has died you will all die with her, da?_

Thank you, Mr Russia... little fairy is fine. She's okay. She was just scared. No-one has to die.

_Hahahaha... commie dude is in love with Arty and calls him a fairy..._

_(crash)_

_Oh shit... my head..._

_Honhonhon, my leetle ones... have you all had a good lunch, non?_

Where the bloody hell have you been?

_In ze bedroom waiting for you... but you stood me up, l'Angleterre, non? Why is it so cold in here?_

_Let me re-bandage your head, Mr America._

_Thanks, Latvania._

_It's Lithu...oh never mind._

But that was over an hour ago, what were you... oh never mind. Don't tell me.

_There was much fun in ze next bedroom... Espana and I were listening... weren't we Antonio?_

_Erm yes, I think so... si._

Well you're a right pair aren't you?

_You are jealous oui? I know, but when you did not arrive and Antonio was walking past..._

_Si, I was going to the bathroom._

_He has a very nice... derriere. _

Well, isn't that bloody nice? I don't bloody turn up and you drag any Tom, Dick or Harry into the bedroom... not that I care.

_Non, l'Angleterre, not Tom or Dick or Harry it was Antonio..._

_France!_

_Oh oui, Monsieur Russia! You wish to... argh!_

_Mr Pipe and I want to talk to you, da?_

_Porquoi?_

_You have kept me from my Erin. _

_Moi?_

_Da._

_Oh Monsieur, si'l vous plait. Be careful, non, of ze hair, I like my hair..._

_You will not have a head very soon, France, da?_

_(whispers) _Francis, this is what happens when you mess with my princes...

_Oh mon dieu! Leetle 'arry! I only went out with him ... about... let me think... une, deux, trois, quatre... quatre... four times... non?_

You little ...

_But Erin? Qui est elle? Je ne sais pas son._

_You do not know her, nyet?_

_Nyet, la Russie..._

You understand him?

_Da, I know some French._

_I taught him French when he was leetle, oui._

_Haha! We all know what that means! When France teaches you French..._

_Shut up Den..._

_Kolkolkol._

Noooo, not Denmark, Russia, it's France you need to hit...

_Ah mon ami, Ivan... Vanya... porquoi? Eh? Perhaps Mr Russia I teach you about l'amour and how to woo the ladies, non?_

Nooooo.

_You would do that, Francis?_

_Oui, for you, oui... Anyone can be taught the art of l'amour. Even you, little Vanya. But you need to put down that pipe, non?_

You bloody French tart... You slippery eel... You will not escape me... I am the master of revenge and I will get you back...

_Haha, little Vanya!_

_Shut up, Den!_

_But who was in the other bedroom, Big Brother France?_

_Je ne sais pas, leetle Italy._

_Whoever it was should be down here in this meeting. This is ridiculous. Are we going to sort out this financial crisis or not?_

_Not._

_Prob'ly not._

_Phew! Well, I feel much better for that... how is everybody?_

_Elizaveta!_

_Miss Elizaveta! Where have you been?_

_Hungary? Honhonhon, you have been a naughty girl, non?_

_Me? I really don't know what you mean._

_But who were you with? _

_Romano!_ _What a dude!_

_Ne, it was not me! Dammit, I wish it was..._

_Nyet, not me, I was with England, in a bedroom with a fairy._

Not in that way, I hasten to add...

_Haha! Arthur is a fairy!_

_Nooo, really? You two? In a room together? Well..._

It was you... Lizzy! You bloody well locked us in that room together... I should have known.

_Well... I saw you two go in there... you seemed so cute together._

There's something bloody well wrong with you, Lizzy.

_You locked me in with England, Hungary?_

_Now, now, Russia, you need to calm down..._

_Monsieur la Russie, ladies do not like it if you chase them with a pipe._

_I know, but..._

_Non, ecoutez..._

_(unintelligible stream of French is heard)_

_Da, okay._

So... changing the subject who the bloody hell were you messing about with?

_It's a secret. You'll have to guess..._

_(sound of someone humming Mozart Piano Concerto No. 24)_

_You look very happy, Mr Austria._

_Where have you been? We are supposed to be having a conference... vy is everybody disappearing? This is not acceptable._

_Calm down, Germany._

_Yeah, dude. Chillax, man._

_(shouting) I WILL NOT CHILLAX, CHILL OUT, OR OTHERWISE CALM DOWN. NONE OF YOU ARE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY. THERE IS A WORLD FINANCIAL CRISIS. THERE IS GOING TO BE...(DEEP BREATH) A ... A... RECESSION... AND NONE OF YOU ARE REMOTELY BOTHERED. _

(shouting) Stop bloody shouting.

_Luddy, there is a vein throbbing in your head..._

_You will shut up, Mr Germany, you are frightening the little fairy, da?_

_WE NEED TO MAKE PLANS OF HOW WE ARE GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS RE... RE... RE..._

_Just say it, Germany._

_Yeah, Dude..._

_Respectable._

_Hungary, you have never been respectable..._

_Repressed, oui, l'Angleterre._

Bloody shut up, frog.

_Revolution, da._

_Retard._

_Wut? _

_Retard._

_Amerika are you insulting me, nyet?_

_RECESSION! RECESSION! SIE SIND ALLE NUTZLOS! ICH HASSE DICH. _

_Luddy, you're frightening me... your face has gone like a tomato._

_Si, potato bastard looks like a tomato bastard..._

_Deutschland, Deutschland über alles..._

What the bloody sodding hell...

_Luddy, Luddy...your face has gone purple._

_Kolkolkolkolkolkolkol..._

Russia! No...

_(sounds of metal hitting something soft ... then a thud, then crashing and then frantic shouting... Dictaphone is switched off)_

* * *

><p>Diane, oh thank God... I'm in a hotel in Naples. Germany had to be taken to hospital. He had some sort of aneurysm. And then he started doing a Hitler salute... Dear Lord. Very bad, very bad indeed. Russia just lost it. Germany had to be loaded into an ambulance – he had Russia's faucet pipe wrapped around his head. Russia said he was saving the 'fairy' from a German invasion. I have no idea what he means. The man is completely mad. It's a good job Germany is a Nation, well actually... scrub that...<p>

Anyway, I still have no idea who Hungary was bonking. But at least I know it was her who locked me in that room with Russia. I will bloody well get her back. And France. He got away with it again, the sneaky tart.

(Dictaphone is switched off.)

**Author's Notes:**

**M – as Arthur has already mentioned gathering information for MI5, the author assumes that when Arthur mentions 'M' – he means the boss of MI5 – who is actually only called M in the James Bond films. A further testament to Arthur's increasing mental instability.**

**Riverdance – a famous song in Ireland**

**Porquoi – why in French**

**Qui est elle? - Who is she in French**

**Je ne sais pas son – I do not know her/him.**

**Ecoutez – listen in French**

**_SIE SIND ALLE NUTZLOS! ICH HASSE DICH – you are all useless, I hate you. – in German._**

**Bonking - an English slang term for having sex.**


	11. Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part I

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or the characters therein.**

**Acknowledgements: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: Super Sister, Frina17, , renabug97, cosanera, SeXtAPoP, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers.**

**The following is a typed transcript from Arthur Kirkland's Dictaphone which Arthur called a 'Weekend in a Haunted Castle'. This appeared to be the first transcript regarding this 'weekend'. In it he describes a weekend with his fellow 'Nations', in which certain occurrences took place. The location – i.e. the haunted castle Arthur describes is an actual castle – Chillingham Castle in Northumberland, England. I, myself, who transcribed this account recently visited said castle and found that it had been closed for 'refurbishments', after I enquired further the owner stated specifically that it would never again be available for private hire and that members of his staff were still recovering from previous events. Whatever that may mean.**

**As before all dialogue not in italics can be assumed to be Arthur's, the dialogue in italics is person or persons unknown. Some dialogue could not be transcribed correctly due to static, incoherency or un-translatable foreign language.**

Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 11 – Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part I

_(sound of car engine and tinny music)_

Bloody hell, is this switched on? Hi Diane. It's me, Arthur obviously. Well I'm on my way now to Chillingham Castle just outside Alnwick. I've hired the whole castle for the weekend. Well, my boss has. It was my idea though to hold it there. This is going to be hilarious, for me that is, nobody else. Another G8 meeting with some of the European idiots who are crapping their pants over the Euro. The last meeting didn't go too well. Germany ended up in hospital with a pipe wrapped around his neck and Russia was escorted out of Italy by armed guards. They were lucky he didn't break their necks. And then of course, the idiot Vikings were also escorted from the country after causing an uproar. They went on a rampage in Naples and went charging through a grocery store saying they weren't leaving until they got their wagon wheels. I mean honestly - wagon wheels. Whoever heard of such gumf?

Well today is Saturday and...

_(sound of car horn)_

... Sod off, and you... bloody idiot drivers...

I've invited Alfred, Japan, Feliciano, Germany and Matthew down for today and tomorrow – on Sunday is the meeting and the rest should be arriving. Russia, God help us, Francis and Hungary. Oh yes I'm going to get my revenge on those two, just you wait. Spain, Austria, Switzy, Lily – I'm not sure why they're coming. Vash and Lily aren't in the Euro so I'm assuming Vash is coming to sneer at us. Let's see there's also Belgium... oh Lou I've missed you sweetie... hummm, where was I... yes, her brother Netherlands, odd bloke I hope he doesn't bring any more of that weird tobacco he smokes, Estonia and Finland so I'm assuming the other Vikings will be here. Dear Lord I hope not. Oh and my little sis Erin said she'll come and help out. I think she's hoping to see Russia again, unfortunately.

Dear Lord... _(car horn sounds) _... and you, get off the road, bloody hooligan or learn to drive... oh it's Alfred. What the bloody hell in the name of cricket is he driving?

_(sounds of car horn and banging on window) _You're going the wrong way! Alfred! Alfred! You're going the wrong way! Idiot! Was that Kiku in the front of that thing? Poor lad, he looks terrified. Oh well, not my problem... _(sounds of singing) _See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the Dancing Queen ohohoh... damned strange lyrics... I love ABBA but honestly... you can't beat the Beatles.

* * *

><p>Well here I am... Chillingham Castle and... how the bloody hell did he get here before me?<p>

_Rock out, dude! Arty this is just quaint. Look at that castle! Is it real?_

How did you get here before me? You were going the wrong way?

_Hahaha! I was only going the wrong way because it wasn't the way you went... right Kiku?_

_(sounds of vomiting)_

_He's not well._

I went the right way. And what the bloody hell are you driving?

_Do you like it? It's a Chevy pick-up. Bit small though._

Small? It's bigger than my house!

_Dude it is not, Kiku tell him._

_America-kun, your driving was not very good, you should not drive so fast on Britain's roads._

What the bloody hell is wrong with my roads?

_Dude, they suck. I nearly lost the whole of my truck in one. You could hide a small country in one of those potholes._

I wish - then we could get rid of Sealand. Talking of small and annoying countries...

_Ve, England and America and Mr Japan! Ve! Is Germany here yet? I asked if I could come with him..._

_Ha! I bet you did..._

Shut up, Alfred.

_... but he said he was going sight-seeing and then he said he wanted to visit your South Coast._

He tried to do that back in 1940...

_Dude?_

Battle of Britain.

_Dude?_

Second World War, Alfred.

_I thought we weren't going to mention the War, England-san?_

_... so I came on my own, but I saw Big Brother France at the airport with Big Brother Spain..._

They're not bloody due until tomorrow.

_...and I think I saw Mr Russia..._

Or him.

_... and Mr Canada was going through Animal Control with his pet polar bear..._

What's he brought him for?

_... and Mr Austria and Mr Switzerland were arguing with a man at the Currency Exchange..._

What? Am I just talking to myself? When I sent out those invitations I might as well have just talked to the bloody wall. They take bugger all notice of dates. I bet those two are arriving early for a free bloody meal.

_Ve... this is bello... I like castles... is it very old?_

It was built in the 12th Century, Italy.

_Haha it's nearly as old as you, Arty._

_It will have many restless spirits then, England-san._

_Whaaaaaaaat?_

Oh yes, bwhahaha, many restless spirits.

_You mean... like... g...g...g...ghosts?_

_I hope Luddy arrives soon... I might share a room with him. He will protect me, ve._

_Can I share with you, Arty?_

No you bloody well cannot.

_Can I show you to your rooms? Mr Kirkland?_

Yes, thank you. This is Mr Honda, this is Mr Vargas and Mr Jones. Some others will be along in a minute.

_I want to share with dude Kirkland here, Miss erm... Maid Person._

_Ooooh, erm I'm not sure... I mean..._

Oh bloody hell.

* * *

><p>Diane, I'm in my room. No scrub that, I'm in mine and Alfred's room. He absolutely insisted on sharing with me. That does not mean I'm gay. Of course not. I know it's a double bed... oh God... I will not, absolutely not being doing any huggles, cuddles or any other assorted touching tonight. Besides he has Mr Pillow and I will bloody well make sure that Mr Pillow is between us at all times. Why can't he bloody share with Kiku? Sod.<p>

Anyway I have a cunning plan, I was hoping to have today to get it all sorted before those idiots arrive tomorrow, but anyway... They will all rue the day they laughed at me.

_(knock on door)_

_Och aye, man!_

Hamish! I'm glad you're here old chap. Has anyone seen you?

_Nah, man. Nobody. I'm only here cos you promised me that I could deputise you at the next conference... I mean I'm bloody Scotland..._

Yes, yes, alright, you're Scotland and hard as nails, I get it. You can attend the next conference instead of me.

_Right, so what do you want me to do?_

I already told you...

_Yer did?_

On the bloody phone... oh dear God, what is it with everyone? Has everyone got bloody short-term memory loss?

_Eh? Wut?_

Wut? What? Have you been talking to Russia?

_Eh? Nah, why would I do that? _

Is Erin here?

_Aye, she's doonstairs talking to some little weirdo with his eyes shut._

Good...

_... and some big blond bloke with sticky-up hair and a bloody great axe._

... tell me you're joking...

_Aye, okay, I'm bloody joking._

I hope you are...

_...Hmmm..._

You have your stuff with you?

_... you mean mah kilt?_

Yes and those bloody Godawful things...

_Aye, mah bagpipes, man._

Good, so you know what to do?

_Aye, I reckon it'll be easy, man._

Wait for my signal.

_Aye..._

You don't remember it, do you?

_Nah, man._

Oh for heaven's sake. I told you yesterday on the bloody phone! You've got your phone? You remembered it?

_Aye, wait..._

_(Scotland the Brave sounds tinnily)_

Right... that works then...

_I just have to take this call..._

It's me... you idiot.

_But you're stood there, Arthur. Why are you ringing me when you're stood there? Ach, man, you're going around the bloody bend, so you are._

Do you remember the codeword?

_Aye, it's tulip._

No, it's not.

_Parsnip?_

No, it's not bloody parsnip!

_There's no need to bloody swear, Arthur yer big eejit._

It's Rosebud... Rosebud...

_Aye._

Right. Deep breaths. Remember, we're not here to actually give them a heart attack?

_Aye. Oh and Arthur?_

What?

_That big Russkie that Erin's been texting?_

Oh dear Lord.

_I saw him driving a little Fiat the wrong way down a one way street in Alnwick an hour ago._

No, oh no.

_Aye. I think he'd just been to the supermarket..._

So, he's arriving bloody early as well, bloody Feliciano was right. Oh well.

_Aye and there was a big blond bugger in the car with him..._

Eh?

_Aye, and a smaller blond lad in the back._

Who on earth? Was one of them wearing glasses?

_Aye, that's right. Do you know them?_

Sweden and Finland. Well I suppose Sweden was bound to come if Finland was here... In a car with Russia?

_You're talking to yerself agin. It's no good yer know. Yer carry on like that and I'll have to take over as Britain..._

I may as bloody well talk to myself because nobody bloody well listens to me.

Right, remember what happens tomorrow?

_Aye._

You don't, do you?

_Aye, high noon._

And who was it again?

_Francis._

And?

_Oh shit..._

Hamish, I need your help on this...

_I know you do, but she scares the pants off me._

Hungary... she humiliated me, Hamish.

_Aye, well that's yer bloody look-out._

No, it's not. I'm the personification of the United bloody Kingdom and I will not stand for that chit of a girl humiliating me... I could have been injured. And so what if you're scared of her? I'm bloody not.

_Good job, man, she's standing right behind yer._

Aaaaaaaaaargh!

_Hahaha, yer bloody great fool._

I hate you with all my heart.

_Hahahahahahahahahahaha._

* * *

><p><em>... and I told that oaf that the currency exchange is 0.8482 but they said 0.8483, they absolutely conned us, didn't they, Vash?<em>

_Ja. We only got £20 and 53 pence and we should have got £20 and 56 pence. You were right to argue, Austria._

_You guys are arguing over three pence?_

_It's the principle of the thing._

_And you and Switzerland only came here with £20? Seriously?_

_Ja, I should hope that England would provide all our meals and reimburse our travel expenses._

_Big bruder can I go up to my room?_

_Nein, Lily, not until I have checked it out, and made sure you are nowhere near Spain, France, Russia, Netherlands, Denmark or America._

Bloody hell, Vash! How in the bloody hell are you going to do that? Shove her in the North Wing or something?

_There is a North Wing?_

_Do the rooms have locks? I have my wallet to think of..._

Yes, I mean you don't want anyone to steal your twenty pounds do you?

_Get in! Dude Alfie! Yo!_

_Yo Dude Den!_

_Woohoo!_

_Haven't seen you since Naples!_

_Woohoo great meeting! Susan and Finn were going crazy over some lame-arse biscuits. I had to bail them out._

Dear Lord, the world has gone mad.

_Are they coming here?_

What in the name of Winston are you doing here anyway?

_Dude Alfie invited me._

It's not your bloody job to invite people.

_Got to have my dudes here._

Please, please don't tell me you invited...

_Kesese... yo! One man party coming through..._

Oh no... why do I even bother? I may as well just ring the fire brigade now.

_Yo ladies! Hang on to your knitting! Got the beer! Just seen fat commie bastard and your mom and dad down the road, Den._

Prussia, are they coming here?

_They were stood at the side of the road..._

Doing what?

_Dunno, waiting for a bus, waiting for a personality transplant, being totally un-awesome, who knows?_

I thought they were in a car?

_Kesese, car didn't look too good. Little shitty Fiat?_

I believe so - so somebody said.

_Ha! Looked like it was hugging a tree._

_Have you seen Luddy, Mr Prussia?_

_Bruder? Nein? He's not here?_

Well he wouldn't bloody ask would he, if he was?

_Dunno... little weirdo._

_I don't want to sleep on my own tonight..._

_Honhonhon, you do not have to, my little Italia..._

What the bloody hell in the name of arse are you doing here? All of you lot are not due til tomorrow.

_You invited me today, Arty._

Apart from you, Alfred.

_And me, England-san._

And you.

_Oh so you have your favourites, non? The American Engleesh special relationship, non? And with Japan? Honhonhon, it is a ménage e trois, non?_

Shut the bloody hell up Francy-pants.

_(sounds of woman screaming)_

Eh? France? Have you? Did you? You dirty...

_Non, I am stood here, l'Angleterre... even I am not so good... _

_What?_

_Que?_

_(more screams are heard)_

_It's coming from upstairs!_

_Lily! Lily! I'm coming!_

_(sounds of ringtone)_ Hamish, Hamish, are you there?

_Aye._

What are you doing? I didn't give you the codeword.

_What?_

I said I didn't give you the codeword. And I certainly don't want you to ...

_(sounds of rifle shots)_

... scare Lily...

_Eh?_

It wasn't you?

_Nah, I'm in the kitchen with the servants, eating some Dundee cake._

Well, who the bloody hell?

_(sounds of bleep as phone is switched off)_

Lily? Are you alright?

_It was terrible. It was floating and it was white... Oh Mr England! It was a ghost!_

_(To be continued...)_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Alnwick – a town in Northumberland**

**Chillingham Castle – a very real castle in Northumberland – supposedly the most haunted castle in England (the author has actually visited this place and it is very atmospheric)**

**Please review/comment/PM whatever.**


	12. Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part II

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or the characters therein.**

**Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: GermanyIsAwesome-NotPrussia , OneGirlStudio, SchrapnelGirl, SullyWullyBunny, XXItsSoColdXX, XxTomatoBoxFairyXx, Lunda Lacrimosa, Regal Panther, Super Sister, Frina17, , renabug97, cosanera, SeXtAPoP, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers.**

**This appeared to be the second transcript regarding what Arthur Kirkland called 'A Weekend in a Haunted Castle'.**

**As before all dialogue not in italics can be assumed to be Arthur's, the dialogue in italics is person or persons unknown. Some dialogue could not be transcribed correctly due to static, incoherency or un-translatable foreign language.**

**Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part 2**

_A...A...A ghost? Arty dude..._

Oh calm down, everyone. There's no such bloody things as ghosts.

_That's what Fred says in Scooby Doo, I think we should split up and look for clues._

You're a fool, America. Miss Lily, are you alright?

_She is now. Right, that's it, we are going home, come on Lily. Austria are you coming? _

_But big bruder I'm fine now. I just got a shock._

_Nein, I'm not leaving. Those plane tickets are only valid on Monday._

You're staying the whole weekend?

_Ja._

_I'm not staying here where my little sister may be in danger. She said she saw something big and white._

_Honhonhon, oh yes..._

_Dude Arty I think we should do a search of the castle._

What the bloody hell for? And if you want to stay elsewhere, Switzerland, you can. There are plenty of hotels in Alnwick.

_Well..._

_But that would mean you have to spend money, Switzerland._

_Shut up, Austria. _

Right, I actually agree with America. We should all check the upstairs rooms for this ghost... not that there is a ghost. I'm sorry Miss Lily but perhaps you saw one of the servants?

_I didn't honestly. It was big and white and floated towards me.._

_Oh oui, I bet it did..._

Shut the bloody hell up, France.

_Okay yo Arty my main man, you're with me, Dude Gil, Dude Den come with me as well._

_Woohooo! Is there some beer?_

Who the bloody hell died and made you King of the World?

_Switzy, Australia you go with Lily and the little Italian and have a look where that ghosty was._

_I AM NOT AUSTRALIA!_

_Francy-pants, Antonio and Kiku you go and check out this Hamish guy. I don't trust him._

Hey, that's my brother!

_That's what I said... _

_Honhonhon I will check out Hamish oh yes... I have done so many times._

_America-kun do I have to go with France?_

_Hell, yeah!_

_Well, I am going to make sure Lily is safe... come on Lily..._

_But big bruder I will be fine._

_Nein, you will not. I think we will find a room upstairs for you to stay in until they have found this so-called ghost._

_Oh bruder... _

Bloody hell, Switzy you need to calm down. It's nothing... there isn't a ghost... no-one is in any danger.

_Come on Lily, we'll find a room with a lock on the door._

_Oh bruder..._

_(sounds of stomping)_

This is ridiculous, Alfred, you do know that don't you?

_I'm going to find that ghostie and.. and.._

And what?

_Kesese, I bet its fat Russkie dude._

How can it be? You said you saw him down the road ... being un-awesome you said.

_Yeah man, but that was ages ago._

And why would he turn up here dressed as a ghost scaring Lily?

_Cos he's a total nutjob?_

_Ja, Gil's right._

_Yo, he's always trying to scare us, Arty, with all that kolling._

_Ja._

_Guy's a dickwipe._

I don't buy it. He wouldn't scare little Lily.

_Maybe he thought she was you?_

Hey! In what universe does Lily look like me?

_Kesese, or Alfred?_

_Hey, dude! I don't look like a girl!_

_Actually dude, you kinda do._

Will you lot just shut up?

_Yo... who's that there? _

(Sigh)... do you mean who goes there?

_Ja, its me, Austria, with Hamish. And Italy... get off me, Feliciano._

_Papa Austria..._

_Stop calling me that!_

_I'm scared..._

_Ach man you're a big Jessie so you are._

_Yo Australia, Italy, Hamish person. (whispers) Dude Arty I don't trust your brother... I know he's speaking English but I don't understand a word._

_I AM NOT AUSTRALIA. THAT IS THE WRONG COUNTRY. I DO NOT WEAR CORKS IN MY HAT, I DON'T SURF, I DON'T WRESTLE CROCODILES..._

_Kesese, Specs is a total loser, nein._

_And you can shut your mouth, Gilbert. Ludwig isn't here to protect you._

_Oooer, get her!_

Hamish, have you seen anything? Lily says she saw a ghost?

_Ach, nah... but the servants all say there is the legend of the white lady._

_Noooo, Arty, I told you! _

_Ve, Papa Austria..._

_Vill you get your arms from around my waist, Feliciano? I am not your father._

_Kesese, poor kid... you as his dad and Elizaveta Ball-Buster Hedervary as his mom._

_(sounds of screams)_

_Mr England! Mr America! Help! Mein bruder!_

_Aaargh!_

Alfred, get off me, I can't carry you.

_Kesese this is priceless._

_Ja, big American Hero jumping into England's arms. Dude, you can't be in the Awesome Trio if you're gonna be un-awesome and scream like a girl._

Miss Lily? What's wrong?

_Mein bruder... he's gone._

_Probably to get his gun._

_He already had his gun, Mr America._

_To have a pee?_

_Erm, Mr Prussia... I don't think he did._

_To get his wallet?_

_Mr Austria... he was there one minute, outside my door with his rifle and the next... (sobs) here, look..._

_Mein Gott!_

_Dude, s'up?_

Is that his rifle?

_Ja, it goes everywhere with him. It's his favourite. He calls it Lily._

_Total loser dude... kesese..._

_I know, right... calling a rifle after a girlie?_

Denmark, Prussia, just shut up...

_It's not funny... mein bruder... oh Mr Austria... please hold me, I'm scared!_

_Oh, it's okay... get off me Feliciano... I can't hold you both._

_Ve, Miss Lily, just move over._

Dear Lord.

_That's it... there must be some kind of evil entity at work here. The Hero will catch it._

_Kesese, ja I told you, it's Ivan dickwipe Braginski, that's who it is._

_Yer all a bunch of jessies... it's the white lady. She's come to take revenge._

Scotland, for once be sensible, how can a white lady overpower someone like Switzerland?

_Kesese, ja, his wallet would weigh a ton._

Right, I think we should all re-group and see what Francis, Antonio and Kiku have found.

* * *

><p>(whispers) Diane, I really don't know what's happening. Lily says Switzerland was right outside her door guarding it with his rifle, she went inside and came out and he's gone. But he left his rifle behind. That's not like him. He would never leave Lily unattended with these buffoons around nor would he leave his rifle lying around. There is some mischief afoot and I'm going to find out what it is.<p>

France! You've been gone a bloody long time.

_Honhonhon, we had some fun down in the kitchens... oh yes._

_Si, I never thought you could do that with an egg whisk._

_America-kun, England-san, I am going home now. I do not like it here..._

What the bloody hell? France, what did you do?

_It is more a case of what didn't I do?_

_Kiku dude where are you going?_

_I am going to stay in a hotel, I am not staying here to have the ghosts of my ancestors violated by him.._

Bloody hell you garlic pervert. You're such a pervert you managed to violate his ancestors?

_Dude, I said there was a ghost!_

Shut up America.

_Sayonara everyone._

_Yeah auf wiedersehn... kesese what a girl! First sign of trouble and he does one._

_Mr Japan! Mr Japan, ve can I come with you! Per favore?_

_Feliciano, he's gone._

_(sounds of sobbing)_

_Papa Austria, hold me..._

_Nein, I vill not._

_Ve I miss Luddy..._

Yes, that's a good point, where is that big bloody Kraut?

_Kesese, I'm off to get me more beer... you coming Dude Den?_

_No dude Gil, I'm gonna to stand here and watch Italy cry._

_(sounds of singing of the __Preußenlied fades away)_

_Oh, oui, mon Angleterre, I meant to tell you that all ze servants have gone._

What do you mean they've gone?

_Zay have left for ze weekend._

What? All of them?

_Oui... apart from a leetle maid._

_He means me, Arthur._

Oh Erin.

_Aaah of course, she is Ireland, non? I forgot she was your sister... I have not seen you in such a long time, mon cherie... perhaps later?_

_I don't think so. You can feck off... _

_Ah, but I can protect you from zis monster._

_Right, I'm in charge and I say we catch this monster dude._

Why, Alfred? Because you're the loudest? Because you're the fattest?

_Hey! That really hurts! No... it's because I have Switzerland's rifle. And we all know if you have a gun you're in charge. Right dudes, I think we split up..._

And look for bloody clues again? Is this a joke?

_You know Arty Dude I'm starting to think you had something to do with this._

You can't be bloody serious.

_Dude Austria?_

_Ja, and danke for getting my name right._

_Danker? Whatever... you get in there and play that piano... Lily you stay with Mr Austria and Italy. _

_Why?_

Yes, Alfred, do tell...

_Ghosties don't like music._

_They vill like my music! I vill play Chopin and Mozart..._

__And where the hell did you get the idea that ghosts don't like music?

_I saw it in a movie once. Then we'll split up and flush this son of gun spirit out of its hiding place and I'll blast it with this here rifle._

You do know you can't shoot a ghost, right?

_You said ghosts don't exist, Arty, make up your mind. Okay, are we all in this together? You, Francy and Tonio dude get up those stairs._

_Honhonhon._

_Arty dude and Hamish you head for the kitchen._

Do we bloody well have to? I mean this is just...

_Aye man, the American's just plain daft._

_Eric..._

_My name is ERIN!_

_Erin... you go in there with Mr Austria and the other girlies. Got to protect the women... Women and children first, right?_

_Papa Austria, he called me a girl (sob)_

_Stoppen calling me your Papa!_

_Where's dude Den?_

How do I know where your idiot dood friends are?

_(sounds of Chopin interspersed with faints shouts of 'Dude, dude, dude' are heard)_

_Dudes are in trouble, man! I'm coming..._

Oh dear Lord... I bet Switzerland has gone off to get some ammunition and your idiot friends have found a stack of beer in the cellars.

_I can hear them... I'm coming... the Hero's coming... I'll save you..._

_(faint shouts of 'dude, dude, dude... it's dark and what... nooooooo ...' and then silence)_

_Dude_ _Den_.._I'm coming to save you, the Hero's coming_!

_(puffing and panting)_

Phew they need to get these cellars cleaned out and it smells damp. I bet they don't have damp-proofing.

_Argh! Look! Arty!_

Oh God, what now?

_It's dude Den's hat and his beer... he wouldn't go anywhere without his hat... _

Will you let go of my bloody arm? I bet they're taking the piss...

_You really think they're in the toilet? Dudes?_

Right! That's it. Enough. This is not bloody funny. Prussia! Denmark! Get out here now. And bring Vash with you... we know it was you all along. It's not bloody funny.

_Arthur... look..._

What?

_It's Gil's diary... on the floor... there..._

Dear Lord... the Great Awesome One has a pink glittery diary?

_I bought it for him... he never goes anywhere without it. _

Hmmmm, this all seems a bit fishy.

_They're not here, Arty... I don't like it down here..._

Right back up the stairs... I've got a feeling about this...

_You do? _

_(sounds of clumping)_

Right... let's see who's here? Erin, Austria, Lily and idiot Feliciano in the drawing room, France and Spain – where are those slippery buggers? Probably bonking somewhere... Hamish? Where's Hamish?

_I'm bloody here, yer Sassanach._

Where were you anyway?

_At the top of the bloody cellar steps listening to you two goons._

Did anyone pass you after us?

_Nah, man, nobody... but I swear I heard giggling..._

That could be bloody France. Right everybody into the drawing room... France! Spain! Get your bloody trousers on... I'm doing a head count.

_Honhonhon 'ow did you know?_

Because I bloody know you, you damn frog.

* * *

><p>(<em>whispers<em>) Diane, I bloody know there's something going on and I'll bloody find out who it is as well. This is weird. First Vash and now Prussia and Denmark have disappeared as well. At first I thought it was just a stupid dumb prank, but there's no way Denmark would leave his beer and his hat and Prussia left his diary... it's like they were taken by surprise by something or someone. I didn't tell America because I don't want him to freak out, but there was a streak of blood on the floor as if someone was dragged away... I have my suspicions...

_(Sounds of banging on door)_

_Arty... maybe that's the Police?_

Why? Did you ring them?

_Well... no... but..._

Well, it bloody well won't be, will it? And why, in the name of cricket, have you taken off your shirt? Aren't you cold in that vest top?

_Dude, in all the slasher movies, it's always the cute guy in the vest who survives._

Dear Lord... (_shouts) _Okay, okay, who the bloody hell is that banging on the bloody door?

_Privet comrades! We are here at last... _

To be continued...

**Author's Notes:**

**Sayonara – Japanese for goodbye**

**Per favore – please in Italian**

**Preußenlied – literally the Song of Prussia or the national anthem of the Kingdom of Prussia**

**Sorry I've been a while updating. I got caught up with other stories and also (sheepishly) I didn't think anyone was bothered about this. So have restarted this story from my notes. This 'weekend' is going to be in many parts... and lots of characters are going to coming and 'going'.**


	13. Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part III

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or the characters therein.**

**Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: KousakaAmatsuki, GermanyIsAwesome-NotPrussia , OneGirlStudio, SchrapnelGirl, SullyWullyBunny, XXItsSoColdXX, XxTomatoBoxFairyXx, Lunda Lacrimosa, Regal Panther, Super Sister, Frina17, , renabug97, cosanera, SeXtAPoP, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers.**

**This appeared to be the third transcript regarding what Arthur Kirkland called 'A Weekend in a Haunted Castle'.**

**As before all dialogue not in italics can be assumed to be Arthur's, the dialogue in italics is person or persons unknown. Some dialogue could not be transcribed correctly due to static, incoherency or un-translatable foreign language.**

**Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part 3**

_Privet!_

Russia, erm you weren't supposed to be here until tomorrow.

_Da, but I thought I would come along today and see my little Erin._

_(whispers) What's an 'erin', Dude Arty?_

He means my little sister.

_Me and m'wife saw him at the airport and he gave us a lift here._

Right, well isn't that...

_Excuse me, England... Erin! Erin! You are here, nyet?_

Russia, why don't you just go in... and oh he has... Well, Sweden and Finland, how lovely to see you... you can help us find your idiot brother.

_Norge?_

No, Denmark.

_Oh, him. Why? What do you mean find him? Where is he? _

Well if we bloody knew that then we wouldn't be asking you to help us find him, now would we?

_Don't get funny with me, England. Tell him, Ber... Francis was supposed to be keeping an eye on him. If you've let him loose in Jorvik..._

France... well he's just... did you just say Jorvik? Jorvik? Jorvik?

_(transcriber had to turn the Dictaphone down as Arthur's voice went several octaves high and was so loud there was distortion)_

_I mean York. _

Well, bloody well say York then, you bloody Vikings.

_Of course we mean York... we never refer to it as Jorvik, do we Ber?_

_Hmmm._

You'd bloody well better not, either... And you can both put your axes down as well.

_Brought m'wagon wheels..._

Well, isn't that nice? Thanks for sharing that with us, Sweden.

_Not sharing. They're for me and m'wife._

_Let's tell them, Arty dude... we need to convene a meeting about the ghostly happenings._

_Ghosts? _

There are no ghosts. America thinks there is...

_Right, I'm in charge... Rock out... it's like that War all over again, dudes._

Except its not, is it?

_Why is Mr America not wearing a shirt?_

He thinks he looks like Bruce Willis in that film... Fry Hard... or something...

_Right, awesome dudes are lost, man. And we need to rescue them..._

_Who is lost? What is going on? _

Shall I explain?

_It was horrible... ve Mr Switzerland and an evil monster..._

_Sob_

Shut up, Italy, you're making Miss Lily cry.

_It could get any one of us at any time... ve... Luddy... sob._

_Shurrup yer wee Jessie._

Thank you, Scotland, I'll take it from here...

_I would like to see it get me, kolkolkol. _

Indeed, as I was saying...

_It was awful... large, white, floating... _

_Honhonhon, zis monster sounds fascinating... _

Will you all just shut up?

_England, shouldn't we all go down to that cellar and have a look around? Maybe with Sweden and Finland here, they might see something you missed?_

Good idea, Erin, but...

_Dudes, I'm the Hero and I'll look after everyone. Leave it to me. (whispers) Arty dude, don't you think it's funny that big fat commie dude just turns up... he hates my dude mates... _

Not really...

_So what has happened to Matthias? We have to account for his whereabouts to his government in Copenhagen... if he has gone pillaging in Jorvik._

Stop calling it that...

_Dude Gil went looking for beer..._

_Kolkolkol..._

Is it necessary for you to bend that pipe in such a way every-time we mention his idiotic trio friends?

_Da._

_Oh Vanya, you're so strong..._

Bloody hell, Erin... is that necessary?

_Well dude Gil went to get beer, then dude Den went after him, after laughing at girly Italy here, but that was after Switzy disappeared... but then they disappeared and me and Arty dude went into cellar, I heard the call of my dudes... but they were... gone!_

_So he's down the cellar drinking beer with Prussia?_

_Kolkolkol._

_No, dude Finn, they're not there... nobody is. It's like they... disappeared..._

Stop being so bloody dramatic.

_Ber, we're in trouble... if he's gone pillaging..._

_Should've brought Norge._

_I know..._

_Some dude is taking dudes._

Will you talk properly? What the bloody hell are you on about?

_I'm going to get m'axe._

_Hell, yeah! That's what I'm talking about. Dude Arty what did he say?_

He's going to get his axe.

_Ber... you check this cellar... although I don't think he's there... I'll look in the kitchen. He likes refrigerators. Did anyone check the kitchen?_

_Honhonhon, oh yes, Espana, Japan and moi._

That poor chap...

_Dude Kiku did not look good._

_Right, dude Arty I'm going with Switzerland and check out that cellar again... you stay here with the girls._

_Kolkolkol._

_Ve, Papa Austria... he called me a girl._

_Vill you shut up and stop calling me that?_

It's Sweden, not Switzerland. Oh dear Lord, I'm surrounded by idiocy.

_Play that funky Mozart, Australasia! Grill me a kebab, I'll be back for breakfast!_

What the bloody hell?

_Kolkolkol._

For once, Ivan, I bloody agree with you.

_Dude Arty get out here, I need to talk to you, before I go down into the cellar of doom._

Cellar of doom? Oh dear Lord... Alfred... I think you should know... when we were down there...

_This is not the time dude, to tell me you love me._

What the hell?

_Honhonhon, bi-lateral relations... oh yes._

And you can just shut up and get in there, you cheese-eating garlic-smelling pervert!

_Pass me your gun... Hey! Wait Switzerland... I'm totally coming with you._

_(sounds of footsteps)_

He took my bloody gun. That was given to me by Monty... That cellar is not safe... Alfred... I meant to tell you... I saw...

_Dude Viking gone, man. Where'd he go._

...Blood.

_What?_

I saw blood... but it's gone.

_Dude's gone... _

Hmmm, something very fishy is going on...

_No kidding. BERWALD! SWITZY! DUDES!_

Stop shouting in my bloody ear.

_Yer know, dude, I think you kidnapped dudes._

How can I have kidnapped them? I've been with you the whole time.

_This is creepy man. One minute he was there... and the next he was gone..._

_Aaaaaargh! The lights!_

Get off me! The bulb's gone.

_Aaaaargh..._

Right, this way... up these... stairs... damn it's a dead end... a wall... which feels... oh...

_Kolkolkol_

Erm Russia...

_Da. What is wrong, comrades._

_Russkie dude – you kidnapped the dudes._

_Wut?_

He thinks you kidnapped Prussia...

_Kolkolkol._

Den, Vash and Berwald.

_Nyet. Why are you down here in the dark?_

Did you just switch the light off?

_Nyet._

Did you just come down here?

_Da. I heard Amerika yelling._

_(whispers) He's creeping me out, Arty._

Can you just back up a bit, Ivan? You're kind of gripping me a bit too hard...

_I do not like you, England... _

Why? What the bloody hell?

_You are standing on my foot._

Well, if you just back up...

_Dude Arty, shall I shoot?_

Noooooooooooo.

_Wut?_

Nothing. Right, we should all go upstairs and talk about this rationally. Erm, Russia can you just ...

_M'husband? Berwald?_

Oh Tino, thank goodness...

_Where is Berwald?_

_Yay! Phew light's back on, thanks Finnishland._

_Tino comrade, these idiots have lost your husband._

_Hey man, I didn't do anything..._

_Berwald's gone?_

* * *

><p><em>(Diane, this is getting weirder and weirder. Every-time someone goes in the cellar on their own they disappear. America says Berwald was right in front of them, then Alfred turned around and he was gone... Berwald's a big guy. He had his axe. Who on earth is going to get hold of him? Prussia and Denmark I suppose... I mean they're a pair of drunken fools, and Vash is a tough customer... it's all very perplexing. I've looked but I can't see any secret trapdoors. The blood is gone. No sign of anything.)<em>

_Right, I'm America. The Superpower and I'm in charge._

_Nyet, who put you in charge?_

_Because I'm the superpower... the only superpower. Dude commie lost the Cold War._

_Kolkolkol. It was by default. My government broke up the Union... I am still here. Russia is still here. You doubt that, Amerika? Perhaps we decide this one-to-one?_

Much as we would all love to see that happen, it's not practical is it?

_Dude Arty. I totally think he was the one to kidnap the dudes._

Why?

_Because he's a Russian, they're always the baddies in all the movies... unless of course... it was you!_

Don't be so bloody stupid.

_We need to search that cellar for Berwald. He wouldn't just go down without a fight. There must be something down there, some clue?_

Tino, we looked, there was nothing down there.

_Only commie dude._

_Kolkolkol. What are you implying Amerika?_

_It is time we called the Polizei._

_We don't need them... we can sort this ourselves. I'm the Hero._

Just shut up, for once Austria is right. Although I'm not ringing the bloody Polizei Gestapo.

_It always comes down to World War Two jokes doesn't it? _

_Zen you should not have started ze wars, oh non._

_Why are we always fighting all the time? We're getting nowhere._

_Si, I agree._

_Erin is right, Mr England._

_Hummmmmmmmmmmm._

_And now you've upset poor Vanya._

Poor Vanya? Are you bloody kidding?

_(doorbell rings)_

_Guten tag!_

_Luddy! !_

_Ah Italy! Get off me! _

_Ha! Germany – that's funny you turning up like this... _

_Gutan tag, America. Vaht? I don't understand? Italy get off me._

_Germany! I've been so worried and so afraid. Hold me in your manly arms. Miss Lily saw a ghost – it was monstrous, big and white..._

_Honhonhon. Like zo many zings, non?_

_...and I was so scared..._

You weren't even bloody there!

_And then Mr Switzerland was abducted._

Disappeared.

_And Mr Japan disappeared_

_He would not play, non?_

Bloody pervert.

_Kiku dude?_

No, idiot, I mean France... oh... sod it.

_... and then Mr Prussia disappeared. _

_Kolkolkol_

Is it really necessary for you to do that kolling every bloody time somebody mentions that bloody reprobate's name?

_Da._

_Oh Vanya... you're so manly._

_... and Mr Denmark was laughing at me... wasn't he Papa Austria?_

_Stoppen calling me that name!_

_... and then Mr Denmark disappeared... and then (sob) Mr Sweden has gone as well..._

_I've had enough of this. I'm going to get my husband. I'm not happy. And if Berwald is not returned soon, nobody will be getting a visit from Santa this year._

_Nooooooooo waaaaaaaaaaaay, dude!_

_You can't do that... it's not fair... oh ve Luddy, tell him._

_But I have been good... Mr Pipe will tell you that I have been good... _

'_E never visits me, anyway, non? Je ne sais pas pourquoi? Perhaps I 'ave not been good? I have waited patiently for him to come down my chimney... or up my chimney... but 'e never does... and I always have my stockings ready, oh yes._

Shut up, France. Why does everything have to be about bloody sex with you?

_Wut?_

_Dude... he was talking about not getting a visit from Santa. Arty, you have one helluva dirty mind._

Hmmm, I just know him.

_So you mean Switzerland, Denmark, Gilbert and Sweden have all been... abducted?_

_Hell yeah, Germania, and we don't know why or by who._

Whom.

_Hell yeah, that's what I said._

_I'm getting my axe and I'm going back down in those cellars. I am going to find my husband..._

_Germany, stay with me..._

_Oh Italy..._

Bloody hell, where is everybody going? Don't just wander off. If we all stay here... ring the police...

_Nein, we cannot._

And why the bloody hell not, Roderich?

_The phone lines are down._

Tell me you're bloody joking.

_Nein, he is right... _

_Privet, I have been downstairs with Tino. He is upset down there. There is nothing down there. Mr Pipe checked and I checked. We should phone the police, da?_

We can't, because...

_(sounds of slamming and crashing)_

_This phone does not work, nyet?_

Well it bloody doesn't now, does it?

_The phone lines have been cut._

How do you know?

_Here... look... the wire has been cut through._

_Why did you do that, Mr Germany?_

_I didn't do it, Russia, why would I cut the phone line?_

_I do not know. But I do not like you._

_Vaht? Vy? _

_Battles of Stalingrad, Leningrad, Kiev, Kursk, da._

_B... b...but that was over sixty years ago! _

_Da._

Okay, erm Russia... perhaps you should have some vodka? That would be nice wouldn't it? Nice vodka... you come with me... Erin! Erin! Come here, love.

_What's the matter?_

_(whispers) _What's the matter? Are you bloody joking? Get him in the bloody kitchen, find some vodka and sit with him before he starts smashing the place up or starts World War bloody Three.

_You know, Arthur, you're always bossing me about. I can do whatever I like. And you're horrid to poor Vanya. He's a lovely, sweet guy..._

Do as you're told... and where's Hamish?

_Ach aye, yer wee Jessie... Ahm in here so I am... and it'sh bloody good, sho its ... oh thatsh a nice bit of whishkey they have here._

Bloody, drunken idiot.

_Aye, yer can bloody talk, so yer can... I'm Scotland I am... hey Ivan... fanshy a drinking game? _

_A game? I like games, da._

_Aye man. Every-time Italy cries we take a sup._

_Vodka, da._

_(sob) Germany, they keep making fun of me._

_Aye man. And every-time America shays ghost we have a sup._

_Da._

_Aye and every-time England shays bloody ..._

_Nyet, that is too much... _

Oh, very bloody funny.

_Dude! Nothing upstairs..._

You can say that again...

_Hell yeah! Me and dude Tony looked in all the bedrooms... Francis is a weird dude... why does he have women's underwear on? _

Oh I don't bloody know, do I? And...

_And what?_

You looked in all the bedrooms and?

_Oh yeah, nothing... apart from Francis and his stockings._

_He has the legs for them, si._

_I think this is bigger than we thought, dude Arty. We've gone all over the upstairs and the downstairs rooms and that cellar of doom and nothing. We should maybe phone for a SWAT team._

What?

_The cops._

We can't – the phone lines are down.

_Down where?_

They've been cut.

_Cellphone?_

Bloody hell, I never thought of that... well I don't have mine with me... it's in the car... hang on.

_(sound of crunching footsteps on gravel and tuneless humming) honestly, Diane, this is getting weird now. I thought it was just a prank. But that blood... I can't get it out of my head. And now the phones. Maybe some assassin is out to knock us off one by one... a foreign government? I don't know... oh bloody hell... I don't believe it... )_

* * *

><p><em>Yo dudes, check it! Got a signal! Oh yes... right 911...<em>

_It's 999 here in the UK, Mr America._

_Thanks, Germany... 999... wait hang on... what... the ... _

We have a problem...

_I'll say, I don't have a signal... hey Germany... is your mobile working?_

_Nein, no signal... Roderich, what about your cellphone?_

_(over the sound of Mozart piano concerto) I do not have a cellphone. They are a waste of money. They ring in the middle of operas and the theatre, they should be banned. I went to a recital last year and some uncultured fool's mobile was playing a horrid tune..._

The tyres have been slashed.

_What tyres?_

Car tyres.

_All of them? My BMW? I've just put my summer tyres on it... someone will pay for that._

_(over the top of piano playing) ... it sounded like the Star Wars theme tune right in the middle of La Traviata Act 2._

Was that at the Vienna Opera House?

_(over the top of piano playing) Ja. Uncultured moron. (sounds of piano keys being bashed)_

_(whispers) _That was you, Alfred when we were visiting that Austrian ambassador. I told you to switch the bloody thing off, but oh no. You wouldn't have it, would you?

_Hell yeah! Russkie dude? Does your mobile work?_

_Da, it is Russian, it always works. It works all the time, or I have words with it and sometimes Mr Pipe has words with it and then it works. _

_Ring 999, dude._

_Da, I will... Russian phones are the best... silly Western cellphones are always breaking..._

_Dude Russkie?_

_Da?_

_Have you been eating fries with that?_

_Wut?_

_You've got ketchup on your phone, dude._

_Nyet, not ketchup. _

_(sounds of bashing)_

_Will... not... work... signal gone, da. I do not like this phone._

Well, seeing as you've just bashed it to smithereens with Mr Pipe and it was covered in ... good God, is that blood?

_I have just checked everyone's phones. None of them work... Don't ask me to check France's again... his wallpaper...the images...nein... Is that ketchup on Russia's phone?_

I'm wagering it's blood. None of them? This is getting weirder and weirder.

_(whispering) _Germany, America... and yes, you Italy... over here... where is everyone else?

_Ja, Austria and the girls are in the drawing room and Spain I think... France is ... I prefer not to zink about what he was doing in that bathroom, Tino is... I do not know... Russia is drinking with your brother and your sister... Vaht are you thinking, England?_

Phone jamming. That's what I'm thinking.

_Hell yeah, that could be what's on Russkie dude's phone – way to go, Arthur... it's jam._

_Dumpkomf._

_Eh?_

No - phone jamming. Somebody has jammed all our mobiles so we can't get a signal. Also, all the car tyres have been slashed. We're miles from the main road... this has all been planned. It's not just a harmless prank.

_Ja, I see what you mean. This is a plot, nein?_

_Plot nine? Dudes?_

Shut up, Alfred.

_Ve, Germany, hold me._

_Shut up, Italy._

But who would do this? Let's think about this logically. The first to go was Switzerland – makes sense – he's got a rifle and is the best shot. Then Prussia... well anyone would attack him... that doesn't rule anybody out.

_That's my bruder... _

Yes, but come on. The guy's a waste of space.

_I suppose, ja._

Then Denmark... I suppose he has upset a lot of people... and then Sweden. Whoever it is, has got to be big, tough and ...

_Privet again!_

Strong.

_It is nice that we all together, da?_

And hates Prussia.

_Kolkolkol._

But why Sweden? Unless that person is...

_I like it when we all together... Mr England, your brother has passed out on the floor. The vodka he gave me was very nice. The game was very good, it made me pleasure smile._

...Mental.

_Ja. I see where you're going with this, England._

_Dude? I don't get it?_

_Ve._

But I have a cunning plan... to catch our number one suspect...

_Hell yeah! We'll set a trap like in Scooby Doo._

No, you bloody fool...

_Vell, I am going outside to change those tyres... zen I can drive to the local town and get help. If not then I vill walk ..._

_(_sounds of footsteps on gravel driveway)

_Oh Germany, you're my hero... ve!_

It's 10 miles walk to the nearest village.

_But there is a road just outside those gates there._

Yes, but it's a small country lane with hardly any traffic. When I drove up here I didn't see one car.

_Neither did I, dude._

That's because you drive so bloody fast.

_But then how did Kiku dude escape?_

Good point, he must have left before the tyres were slashed.

_Look, man, he took my Hummer! Not cool._

Oh, yes... I missed that... unless...

_Or... he's the one who's been doing this?_

_Da, I think Amerika is right._

Where the bloody hell did you come from?

_Da, secret ninja. Where is Mr Germany? Has he gone to look for my little Tino?_

_(Sounds of footsteps)_

Yes, where is Tino... oh don't say he's disappeared as well. Oh there he is... in the drawing room...

_I'm in here... I'm not your little Tino... _

You know, this has Hungary written all over it.

_Nah dude, why would she ...?_

_(doorbell rings)_

Salvation! Come in!

_Ciao!_

__Or not salvation... damn and blast.

_Fratello! I've missed you!_

_Veneziano! I only saw you yesterday!_

_Fratello! It has been terrible._

_Where is potato bastard?_

Did you come by taxi?

_Si._

Wait! Taxi! Help! Bugger he's bloody gone.

_Ludwig is outside._

_No, he is not... _

_Si, fratello, he is._

_No, he is not fratello._

_He is outside pumping tyres to save us all from the monster._

_Que?_

He's bloody gone! Look! The car pump, the car jack... but ... Germany's gone!

_Hell, dude. He only went outside a minute ago._

_Da. Mr Germany should be more careful, nyet?_

You have something to do with this, Russia.

_Me? Why me?_

_Yeah dude. In all the movies it's the Russkies who are the baddies. James Bond... Call of Duty..._

Call of Duty is a game isn't it?

_It's totally real, dude._

_I do not like you, Amerika._

But why is it all the people you don't like have disappeared, Russia? Hmmm?

_I like Switzerland..._

Apart from him.

_I do not like Gilbert..._

Ha!

_But I like Sweden..._

Apart from him.

_But I do not like Denmark... he makes fun of my hair..._

You said you didn't like Germany?

_I do not like Germany._

_Sob, Germany is gone... my one and only..._

_Fratello, potato bastard was using you._

_But I like the Italies, da._

_Aaaaaargh, hide us... Inghliterra._

Yes, but they haven't bloody well disappeared have they?

_Bonjour! What has happened since I have been gone?_

_Aaaargh, it's France!_

Yes, where the bloody hell have you been? And bloody hell, Romano, stop hiding behind me. It's most distracting.

_Honhonhon, I have been checking around upstairs. It is very interesting what people have put in their suitcases, non? _

You've been searching everybody's cases?

_Oui._

_Dude, that's not right._

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

_Oui._

Find anything?

_Honhonhon, ...lots of zings..._

Such as? Chloroform? Ropes? Weapons?

_Ah Angleterre... you wish, non?_

Shut up, Francy-pants. Right... Russia... I need to talk to you...

_Arthur, I know you think it's Vanya, but he's a lovely, sweet, gentle guy who wouldn't harm a fly...he's just misunderstood._

Are you out of your mind Erin? Go back in that kitchen and try and bring Hamish round. And then get yourself in the drawing room with Austria...

_I hate Mozart._

I don't care. Stay with Mr Austria and Lily, at least we know it's not them, and I know you'll be safe.

_How do you know?_

What?

_How do you know it's not Austria? I mean he hates Gilbert. He doesn't get on with Switzerland, or Germany. Mr Sweden might have just come upon him getting rid of the evidence... _

Use your head, girl. He's been playing the bloody piano the whole time. The only people I can rule out are him, Lily, you, me, Alfred – because he's been with me and Hamish because he's so bloody drunk he can't put a foot in front of him... that leaves us with Francy-pants who's only interested in sex, Italy who couldn't punch his way out of a paper bag, Romano ditto, Spain is so spacey and lazy ... that leaves us with... ooooh, I know... resident Comrade nut-job Ivan.

_There's no need to be sarcastic, Arthur._

_(sigh) _Russia, can I have a quiet word?

_Da, Mr England... I will take care of Erin, da? She will be safe with me._

No, Erin will be staying in the drawing room with my inebriated brother and Mr Austria and little Lily. I need you to look after Diane.

_Ooooh, little fairy?_

Yes, Russia, little fairy. Will you do that for me? I know she'll be safe with you. I just need to tell her that she's going to be staying with you for a bit...

_Da, Mr Pipe and I will protect her... da... anyone tries to get her and they will be saying hello to pain, da?_

Hmmm. (whispers) Diane, I'm handing you... erm, I mean handing this Dictaphone to Russia. I'm convinced he's the one attacking us. The next one to go will be Alfred... or France... whoever's irritating him the most I reckon... and then bam... I've got him... the evidence will all be there... oh yes... I'm so bloody clever... hahaha.

_Mr England? Do you think Diane will want some vodka? Perhaps I give the little fairy some vodka, da? _

Nooooo, don't put vodka in there... erm... she gets drunk very easily.

_There is a little red light on this box, England?_

Yes, her light must be on. That means she's reading or she's got her television on... You have to talk to her or she gets lonely. Tell her everything you are doing... oh yes... Bwahahaha.

To be continued

**Author's Note**

**Jorvik is the Viking name for York – which is the city in Yorkshire first captured by 'Norse warriors' in 866 or thereabouts.**

**Monty – popular name for Field Marshall Montgomery – WWII British commander of armed forces**

**_ne sais pas pourquoi – I do not know why_**

**_Dumpkomf – idiot, fool in German_**


	14. Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part IV

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or the characters therein.**

**Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: LightningIzzy, Raexion, Nanabug, KousakaAmatsuki, GermanyIsAwesome-NotPrussia , OneGirlStudio, SchrapnelGirl, SullyWullyBunny, XXItsSoColdXX, XxTomatoBoxFairyXx, Lunda Lacrimosa, Regal Panther, Super Sister, Frina17, , renabug97, cosanera, SeXtAPoP, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers.**

**This appeared to be the fourth transcript regarding what Arthur Kirkland called 'A Weekend in a Haunted Castle'.**

**It appeared that much of the dialogue uttered directly into the Dictaphone in this transcript was by someone Arthur Kirkland called 'Russia', 'Ivan' and occasionally 'commie bastard' by Arthur's friend, Alfred. At times the dialogue was untranslatable by the transcriber due to high static interference and the possibility that 'Ivan' held the Dictaphone totally enclosed in his hand or in a pocket.**

**As before all dialogue not in italics can be assumed to be Arthur's, the dialogue in italics is by person or persons unknown**

**Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part IV**

_I will take care of you, little Diane, you will come with me in my pocket.. mmmffmmfmfmf_

_(sounds of Russian singing)_

Russia! Mmmmffmmfmf out.

_Da, I know that..._

Little fairy won't bloody hear you if she's in your coat pocket.

_You need to calm down, England. There is no need to shout, da?_

_I think we need to convene a meeting._

Oh for heaven's sake...

_Da, I agree with Mr Amerika._

You do?

_Da, he makes me laugh. His big mouth fascinates me, Diane. Mr Amerika has the biggest mouth I have ever seen. I have never seen anybody put so many things in that mouth... (incomprehensive Russian follows)_

Russia, you have to talk in English to the fairy.

_She is an English fairy, da?_

Da... I mean er yes.

_Right who's left..._

What do you mean who's left? Are you implying that some more of us are going to disappear? What the bloody hell?

_Dude, it's survival of the fittest. Dude Austria you can stop playing that ancient classical shit now._

_(sound of piano keys crashing)_

_I miss Luddy... ve._

_We all do, dude Wop, we all do._

You can't call him that...

_I can't call him a dude? Well, I s'pose..._

No a Wop...

_I do not miss Mr Germany, nyet... (whispers) Diane, I do not like Mr Germany... he invaded my beloved Motherland many years ago. He shouts a lot as well. I do not like his brother... he makes fun of me and prank-calls me. He rang me once and asked me for somebody called Al Coholic and then someone call Hugh Jass... I do not understand, Diane, but he kept laughing at me until I told him that I would come over and visit Berlin again and make it Berlingrad and then... (undecipherable Russian) silly Yankee American is talking again. He is very silly, Diane, he thinks he is Rumbo, Dumbo... _

Rambo... look Russia, if you're going to just diss us to Diane then I'm taking her off you.

_Nyet, I will fight you for her... she is mine and she belongs to me, da._

Erm, okay, chap, no need to er... you can put that pipe down...

_Okay I've a got a plan!_

Dear Lord, here we go... I suppose it involves a machine gun, lots of shouting, running around in vest-tops and crawling through tunnels, does it?

_Hey! How did you know?_

Dear Lord...

_We need to do something. My husband has gone missing. Germany is gone, Prussia..._

_Kolkolkol_

Put a sock in it, Ivan...

_Den, Switzerland..._

I think we all see a pattern here.

_We do?_

Of course.

_Vaht is it then, Herr England?_

You can cut the Kraut stuff, Austria, I'm about to tell you...

_They're all blond!_

_Ve, so I am okay and fratello and Big Brother Spain is okay._

No, you fools... it's the biggest ones going... the toughest... Sweden, Germany, Switzerland, even Denmark and Prussia... they can all hold their own in a fight.

_Hey, dude what about me?_

_Da, and me? You are saying I cannot fight, England?_

Nope, but I think you two should be worried. I think someone's making a point. What do you do at the start of any battle, Russia?

_I drink my vodka, then I eat my borscht, then I polish Mr Pipe and then I get in my aeroplane. Yao told me not to jump without a parachute, but snow is very good to land on, nyet? It was just that one time when I hurt myself... but the twenty times before I did not hurt myself... I do not know why my soldiers bothered with parachutes, they are very clumsy... and then I kill lots and lots and lots of Germans and sometimes... Italians, da._

_Ve, Mr Austria..._

_... and Austrians... I do not like Austrians also... Vienna is very nice, da?_

_Vaht? The war has been over for sixty years..._

Dear Lord, what I meant was...

_Well I get myself a Sherman and a good troop of fellers and a machine-gun – a Howitzer as well and then I eat my burgers ... lots of cigarettes help as well. Sometimes I check my map and make sure I am where I'm supposed to be... sometimes you get lost. France is a big country..._

_Mon dieu..._

_I saved your French ass, dude, in 1944._

_Well, I of course, make sure my hair looks fabulous. I check myself in my mirror and make sure I look gorgeous in case I am captured or I have to retreat, non? Then I spread lots of rumours, non? I drink my wine and then I spread l'amour._

Dear God. You spread enough amour amongst our troops – poor buggers.

_Ve, I make lots of white flags...drink, eat and go to bed like an Italian..._

I mean, you bloody fools, at the start of a battle you take out your biggest threat...

_Ooooh._

_Si..._

_So why haven't they come for me and Ivan dude?_

I have no bloody idea... unless it's one of you?

_Nyet... (whispers) I do not like Mr England, Diane. Whenever I have tried to move south he has stopped me. I only wanted a warm water harbour... he does not like me. I think he is afraid of me, and he is friends with Amerika. But he is usually right, but sometimes I wish he wasn't right. But I like his sister, she is very nice and does not laugh at me._

_Right I think we should stick together in groups, leave Austria here with the girlies and that weird guy._

You mean Scotland.

_Whatever... me, Francy-pants and Tony dude are going to back down that cellar and check it out, properly with torches and stuff and my rifle here._

_That's my bruder's rifle._

_Whatever Lily chick, it belongs to the Hero now. We're called Alpha Group 1, woof!_

What the bloody hell?

_You, Arthur can take the two snivelling Wops, commie dude and Finnishland and check out the grounds where Germany got wasted._

Wasted? How do you know he was even... he might have gone for help.

_How do we know he is wasted... Mr Germany is a good soldier..._

_Da, he is probably very dead already._

And what do you know about it?

_You can be called... Beta Group._

Why the bloody hell?

_I do not like this name, nyet. It should be ... (rapid Russian is heard) Spetsnaz._

_What about Winter War Sniper Group?_

_We do not have sniper rifles, little Finland... not good, nyet... (unintelligible Russian) Wolf Spetsnaz, da._

_Nope, I decided you're Beta Group B._

How come you get Spain and France – and I get the idiot brothers and the nutcase? Granted I get Finland, but he hasn't got his rifle.

_Or my Santa suit._

Oh his Santa... what?

_Hey, dude. It's not all paradise... I got France's wandering hands to keep off my ass. And you and Tony dude will fight and you and Francy-pants will just make out._

We will not! I resent that remark!

_You miss me, mon Angleterre? _

You can shut the bloody hell up, you French...

_Look after him for me, Le Russie? _

_Da, I will... they will all be fine with me... I like the Italies._

_Oh fratello, I'm scared... I want Luddy back..._

_Get off me... you stink of garlic... and why is there pasta in your pocket? Put that white flag down... _

Okay, right... let's get this over and done with. Come on and we'll take a look outside... Alfred we'll meet you back here at 20:00.

_Eh?_

Twenty hundred hours... oh God, eight pm.

_Oh right... hell yeah!_

_Mon Dieu... do I have to be under the command of an American?_

_Better suck it up, dude... I saved your ass before – twice..._

Erm... Alfred?

_Yup?_

Don't forget to wake up Antonio.

_Tony dude, come on..._

Right chappies, quick march... one, two, left, right... oh okay... I see... Stop crying Italy... Romano have a word with your brother...

_I donta care... he is stupido... _

If you don't bloody do as you're told I'll put you with France.

_Argh!_

Bloody hell, Russia, aren't we all supposed to stick together?

_I do not take orders from Amerika, or you England._

Right, let's see if there's any clues... the car jack's still here where he was about to change that tyre... stop snivelling Italy...

(_Arthur's voice fades)_

_(Sounds of humming and singing in Russian) Lalalalala. Privet? Privet? Mr Germany... come out, come out wherever you are ... da... Mr Pipe will not hurt you... this is not the war... this is not the war... (sounds of giggling). Diane, I am going to have my vodka because it makes me very strong and fast ... lalalalala. (sounds of gulping) One day, little Diane I will take you to Moscow and Lening.. St Petersburg... you will like it in my country. But it is very cold... but I will look after you in my pocket. One day my Baltics will come back to me and we will all live together in my house again. I miss my little Baltics. I miss Toris' cooking and I miss my Estonia who is very weird and he used to do my paperwork and I miss little Latvia... Hummmmm... lalalala. One day everyone will be Russian, little Diane, Mr England, Mr America, Mr Germany... even though they don't know it yet... lalalalala. Oooh this is pretty, pretty flowers... but no sunflowers, that makes me sad.._

_(sounds of a woman screaming)_

_Ooooh if that is Erin, I will rip someone's head off. If anyone has hurt her... I am not happy, Diane. _

Russia! Ivan! Where the bloody hell...

_Da, I am here... who is screaming... is it Italy? You look very pale, Mr Italy._

I don't know... it sounded like Lily or Erin... Austria's piano has stopped.

_Oooooh that is bad._

_S..s...si._

_Hold me, fratello._

_I am going to sort them out, da. If anyone has hurt little Erin or little Lily they will find Mr Pipe shoved... (unintelligible Russian)... _

_(sounds of crashing)_

Bloody hell, Ivan, you could have just opened the bloody door!

_Erin! Little Lily! What is wrong?_

_Mein gott! I am glad you are here, Mr Russia, we heard the most awful sound coming from those stairs... like some kind of animal... a growling beast... I went to look but..._

_But you are a coward, nyet?_

_Nein, I will not stand for that._

_Da, you are... never mind. I will see.. no beast will scare me and Mr Pipe._

_But America, France and Spain are up those stairs... we heard an awful crash and a terrible scream and a growling._

Growling? What the hell? Where the hell is he going? Russia! Don't go up there on your own... why the bloody hell...

_Oh no, Arthur, go after him... poor Vanya, he'll get hurt._

Are you bloody joking? It's bloody funny that he was nowhere to be seen when all this carried on... big bloody idiot.

Russia! Wait for me... is Alfred okay? Can you see anything?

_Da, I can... it is Spain snoring... why is he asleep... oh no he is unconscious... I think... I cannot see Mr Amerika or Mr France..._

Alfred! Francis! I bet they're in a flipping bathroom.

_They were the screams of a desperate man... ja._

Exactly, I would bloody scream if I were in a bathroom with Francis.

_Da, I think there is a secret passageway. _

_(sounds of metal on plaster)_

Well, is that really going to help – smashing the place up? I mean we're going to get charged for this.

_Ve vill? This is nothing to do wit me, vy should I pay for damages, ja?_

Put a sock in it, Austria.

_Da, here... I think there is a hole in this wall..._

Well, there bloody well is now, isn't there?

_Da. I like holes._

_Is my husband there?_

_In this hole? Nyet._

_Nooo I didn't mean... If I don't get my husband back by Christmas I will not be able to do my Santa rounds._

_Nyet, that is not good... oh Diane... I like Santa, he brings me vodka and sometimes a new Mr Pipe... Mr England, tell him that Santa should still come._

Oh dear Lord, Finland, we'll find your husband...

Right, we'll check all the rooms. Antonio... Antonio... he's out cold... a blow to the back of the head. Where were you, Russia?

_In the garden, da. It was pretty, da?_

_It couldn't be him, he would have had to go past us, to get up here, ja. Lily, Erin and myself were in the drawing room and ve would have seen him._

This is downright bloody creepy. And will somebody tell those idiot brothers to stop bloody crying?

_I will go and tell them that if they keep crying, Santa will not visit them._

Thank you, Tino... I mean bloody hell...

_Stop swearing, da. It is not good._

Yes, but who on earth would abduct Francis? Who in their right mind...

_Da, I agree with England... I am going to check these rooms..._

_(sounds of crashing)_

_(shouting) _You don't have to break down all the bloody doors! Bloody hell, Russia! Stop smashing the furniture up. We'll have to pay for that... That was an antique painting...

_Da. Capitalism is very bad. Possessions are a form of theft._

Put that pipe down.

_Nyet._

Oh, okay.

_There is nobody else up here, just you, me and Austria..._

Why is that just creeping me out?

_Ja, und me._

Right, downstairs back to the girls... Erin, Lily are you okay?

_Oh Mr England, I'm so scared..._

_Don't worry, Lily, I'm here._

_Oh Mr Austria, you're so kind.._

_Papa Austria..._

_Nein, ich bin nicht... oh...I give up._

_Arthur, what's going on? The lights kept flickering and when we heard the screams... I don't know... Oh Vanya, I'm so glad you're alright... oh did you hurt your hand? Oh... poor Vanya..._

Bloody hell, Erin, he hurt his bloody hand smashing in a bloody wall.

_You should stop swearing, Arthur. So Alfred's gone and Francis? What's happened to Antonio?_

Bloody hell, come on Ivan, help me get him.

_Da, I will carry him... he does not weigh much... humph... little Spaniard is very funny when he is asleep, da?_

Is Hamish still out of it?

_Yes, it'll be a few hours before he comes around. I've seen this before. He shouldn't drink whisky with irn bru... he thinks he can take it..._

So, Alfred is gone, and Francis... I fear for the poor bloody soul who's taken him. So there's just me, Ivan, you Erin, Lily, Austria, the two Italies, Finland, Hamish is out for the count, Antonio is out of it... Right, it's dark now. I suggest we bed down here and wait for the morning. Hungary, Belgium, Greece and the Baltics will be here tomorrow. Hang on, chappies, didn't someone tell me they'd seen Canada arrive this morning? So where the bloody hell is he, then?

_Arthur, stop swearing._

_Baltics! That is good. It will be better when my little Baltics arrive._

I think just Estonia, but...

_Oh, but my Estonia is very clever and he will figure this out... da. (whispers) Diane, I think it is England who is abducting these Nations. He does not like Francis or Mr Germany and Prussia, kolkolkol. Mr Denmark gets on his nerves because of his hair and Mr England does not have good hair... he gets picked on by this stupid awesome trio because he does not have cool hair and he gets drunk very easily._

I can bloody well hear you!

_(whispers) Diane, I think he abducted Mr Amerika to keep him for himself... he is in love with Mr Amerika... they have a special relationship._

IT'S NOT BLOODY LIKE THAT!

_Da, Diane, it is. I do not know why he took Sweden. That is very bad – I hope Santa still visits me this year. I hope Polska does not come tomorrow... he is silly and wears skirts. I would like to hit Polska very hard but I cannot hit someone in a skirt. I do not mean I wear skirts... or that I could not hit someone if I wore a skirt... I bet I could beat someone up in a skirt... I bet it was Polska who did all these things... with my Toris. He is a bad influence on my Toris..._

Right, we'll all bed down here for the night.

_Who put you in charge, Mr England?_

Well, Mr Finland, seeing as how this is my country, I arranged this weekend and the so-called Hero has been captured or abducted or whatever...

_Da, that is very funny._

What are you implying?

_Ja, you arranged this whole weekend..._

_Yes, Arthur what about that prank you were going to play? _

_Prank, what prank?_

_Oh well, that was just..._

_Go on, Arthur tell us._

_Da, I think you should... Mr Pipe would like to know..._

It was just revenge on Francis... Oh someone help me... not you Captain Hook... where the bloody hell have you been?

_He's lost his senses._

Flying Mint Bunny! I know... but they won't believe me... where? Who? Really? Where? Well, slap my thigh and call me Mildred.

_What are they saying, Arthur?_

_You do not believe this foolishness, Miss Ireland? Zis is rubbish, I am inclined to believe that England has been behind this whole thing, ja._

_Hummmmm, Diane says that you should tell us what Tinkerbell is saying._

Tinks and Flying Mint Bunny has just said that they don't know where America and the others are... but Francis is...

_Honhonhon! Mon chers! Did you miss me, non?_

... there...

_Angleterre! _

Francis! Where the bloody hell have you been?

_I need wine! Give me wine..._

_Here, Mr France..._

_Oh merci, Mademoiselle Lily. Oh yes..._

_Are you alright, Mr France?_

_Oh oui, Mademoiselle Lily. Tres bien, maintenant._

Speak bloody English, you French Frog. And where have you been? And where's Alfred?

_Hmmm, oh wine! It is the elixir of life, non? It went very dark... something came up behind us... it took Alfred, he was dragged away before I could see. I turned around... and Antonio... oh Antonio..._

You mean you were bloody messing about with your hands in your pants?

_Oh Angleterre, 'ow could you say such a zing?_

_Mr Antonio is okay, he got hit on the back of the head._

_Zen I too was hit, but I came around... and I was tied up... it was thrilling... oh yes!_

You weirdo.

_Did you see who did this? _

_Oh Mr France! Were you scared?_

_Non Mademoiselle Lily, it was thrilling, oh yes! Honhonhon, they tried to gag me... that was not so nice but I spat it out and chatted to zem, oh yes. I asked for directions to their chambre._

Who were they?

_I do not know... I could not see zem... a mask... oh yes... very kinky I think._

_Was it a man or woman, da?_

Hmmm, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

_Da, Belarus... Diane, I hope it is not Belarus... perhaps she is getting all these people before she gets me and then..._

I was thinking more on the lines of Hungary...

_I do not know... whoever it was, was not in the mood for l'amour._

There's something bloody wrong with you.

_I had activities, non? In my area of manliness, honhonhon._

Oh dear Lord.

_Wut?_

_Mr France!_

_Zen, zis person hit me over ze head and I was shoved out of ze door..._

What bloody door?

_A door... I do not know... my head hurt... it was ... upstairs... in some closet... _

_Da, a secret passageway... I said there was a secret passageway. I am going to look with Mr Pipe. Mr Pipe will find it._

_Honhonhon, a secret passageway..._

_(sounds fade out) Kolkolkol, silly Francis, he is stupid. His brain is in his trouser department and not in his head, I think. I will find this secret door and I will free the others. For once, I will be the hero and not stupid Amerika. They will all want to become one with me. Hummm, Diane, what do you think? Shall I try this door? I do not know... Is Tinkerbell with you? Does she know? Hummm... I think in here... oooooh... why did I not see this before? Wut? Privet? Why are you here? Mmmmggggmmmmph._

_(Huge crash, heavy breathing, panting and then a scraping sound and giggling and then... silence)_

Helloooooo! Russia? Russia? Where the hell has he gone?

To be continued...


	15. St Patricks Day

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or the characters therein.**

**Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: LightningIzzy, Raexion, Nanabug, KousakaAmatsuki, GermanyIsAwesome-NotPrussia , OneGirlStudio, SchrapnelGirl, SullyWullyBunny, XXItsSoColdXX, XxTomatoBoxFairyXx, Lunda Lacrimosa, Regal Panther, Super Sister, Frina17, , renabug97, cosanera, SeXtAPoP, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers.**

**This is an earlier recording that I appear to have missed. It was entitled "St Patricks Day" and dated 17th March 2011. I was originally going to transcribe this particular snippet of the Secret Diary of Arthur Kirkland upon completion of Arthur's visit to Chillingham Castle, but as my editor (codename VengefulCat) pointed out that today is St Patricks Day and as such I considered it appropriate to publish this today. Make of it what you will.**

**As always persons unknown to the author will have their dialogue typed in italics. Arthur's dialogue will be in regular font.**

St Patricks Day

Hello Diane. Well, it's St Patrick's Day and that means it's my dear brother Patrick's birthday. He's the personification of Southern Ireland, while Erin is Northern Ireland. A lot of people call him Paddy, but I don't like shortening people's names. I'm in Ireland right now, actually.

_Ah, top o' the mornin' to ya!_

Oh yes, you too, old chap! Bloody nutters, the Irish. They do know how to throw a party though, I'll give them that. So, anyway, I'm here in Dublin...

_Dude! Look it's a leprechaun! Hahahahaha!_

...And so is Alfred. He insisted on coming with me, because Patrick is his favourite uncle and he's convinced he's part Irish. I can't think why he likes Patrick so much, though it's probably just because he's not Hamish.

_Arty Dude! Where are we meeting your brother?_

Well, actually, my brothers... dear Lord help me.

_Dude... don't tell me Hamish is here? He's always calling me a big girl or something._

Yes, a big Jessie... It's just his way. Well, unfortunately, Hamish is going to be here, Patrick...

_Woohoo... I lurve Patrick... he's an ace dude._

Indeed. Erin...

_Woohoo Irish girl chick._

...And Bryn...

_Woohoo, who?_

Wales.

_Whales?_

Yes, Wales.

_Woohoo, I gotta meet this guy. The personification of whales? _

Hmmm, yes...?

_He's got to be some dude... I bet he's huge... wow!_

Hmmm, what?

_I bet he's good at swimming? _

Wut? I mean, what?

_Is he okay out of water?_

(whispers) I really hope, Diane, that Alfred hasn't been sniffing Tippex again. Er yes, Bryn will be fine out of water... He plays a lot of rugby.

_Really? That weird football game where you dive on each other and beat each other up?_

Hmmm, yes...

_How does he do that with flippers?_

What? Flippers? What the bloody hell?

_Dude! There they are! Wooohooo! Uncle Patrick! I like your hat... I want one..._

_Aye, it's a fine day, begorrah!_

_Woohoo! I have no idea what you just said, but ... woohoo!_

_Helloooo, I'm Bryn... we met before..._

_Are you really the personification of whales?_

_Aye, I am._

_Wooohoooo! I can't tell... you look normal._

_Ooooh...erm Arthur...? _

I know, Bryn, just don't ask... What's the name of this pub?

_It's the Three Legged Man._

How... erm ... charming.

_So Uncle Bryn, where are your flippers?_

_What?_

Erin! I'm glad to see you... please tell me Hamish couldn't come...

_Oh Arthur, I got some pints of Guinness in for you all... and Hamish is..._

_That's my girl..._

_Thanks big brother Paddy, I hope Alfred likes Guinness..._

_Arty? Why is it green? _

They colour it green especially for St Patricks Day. I can get you a normal pint...

_What colour's a normal pint, dude?_

Black.

_Ohhhh... this is... weird... but coooooool. But I miss my Budweiser._

_Och aye! Paddy! Bryn! Erin! Ach Arthur yer wee Jessie, get yer face in that pint of Guinness..._

Hamish, I didn't think you'd come...

_Aye, well it's not as good as Burns Night, but I thought as we're all having a wee family get-together... aye... Alfred – yer wee Jessie, do yer not like the black stuff?_

_Arty dude, I have no idea what he just said..._

Just nod.

(sound of fiddles and singing starts up)

_Hey this is just coooool! _

Dear Lord, it's only 11.30, why are they bloody singing and shouting... and dancing...

_Come on, Arthur... let's do the Irish jig._

Oh dear Lord, I can waltz and the Charleston... but oh no...

(sounds of feet tapping and lots puffing and panting)

Erin! Slow down!

_Come on Arthur! Keep up! _

Bloody hell! So, sorry, old chap... whoops, was that your foot... oh dear... that man does not look happy... Erin! Slow down...

_Oh Arthur! You're so out of shape... you used to be able to jig all night... you taught me when I was little... remember?_

_Arty dude's an old man._

You can bugger off.

_Come on, Alfred, Hamish – let's jig..._

_Ach aye, I'll just down this whisky chaser..._

I'll look after that scotch... I need a bloody stiff drink...

_Woohoo, look at me, Arty! I'm jiggling!_

You mean jigging... I'm absolutely bloody knackered...

_Here Arthur, have another pint..._

Oh I say, Patrick... I'm not sure... it's a little early don't you think?

_It's never too early for a pint of Liffey Water._

Oh okay, why not eh? Settle old scores, eh?

_Aye man! That's the fecking way, you know I'm right... get it down yer... and Francis will be here in a bit._

(sounds of spluttering) W...w...what? Francis? Who the bloody hell invited him?

_Hamish... it wouldn't be a party without France... He's my mate..._

Yes, I know... I remember (whispers) That damn frog, Diane, he helped Patrick fight against me and he's had an alliance with Scotland since bugger knows when. Everybody loves bloody France... my own bloody brothers prefer him to me...

_Get that pint down your neck, Arthur and get this hat on._

I absolutely refuse to wear that ridiculous Leprechaun hat... and who on earth would have green hair... oh.

_Yo Arty dude! Check it! Like my hair? Get that hat on your head... you're such a party pooper! And your little brother Bryn is a dude, dude. He's over there singing some weird song about Saxon foe and something or other..._

He'd better bloody not be!

_(sounds of singing and lots of applause) Men of Harlech... march ye on the Saxon foe..._

Can we not just leave the history behind, for once?

_He has a good voice, though, dude._

Patrick? How about singing the Wild Rover?

_Oooh Arthur! I thought you'd never ask! Hey! Start up the fiddles..._

_( Dictaphone had to be turned down as it sounded as if there were elephants stamping around and very loud singing – much of it from Arthur)_

_I've been a wild rover for many a year..._

_Arty dude! You know this song!_

Of course I do... I shuppose we're all a bit Irish...

_You drunk, dude? _

Of course not... what a thing to shay... give me that hat.

_Woohoo! Get in! Arty dude wearing a green elf hat._

Leprechaun...

_Hey Whales! Dude Arty is singing this Irish song... _

_Well, that's nice isn't it? You would never join me when I sang Land of My Fathers... a fine big brother you are... I knew you never liked me as much as Patrick..._

Oh for heaven's sake, Bryn... I never sang Land of My bloody Fathers because I can't bloody understand Welsh.

_Well, it's time you learnt... _

_Yes, Arty, you should have learnt Whale song... I know a bit... peep, peep, whistle, peep, hark, hark... see, dudes?_

I'm just... just... stunned.

_What the bloody hell was that?_

_Whalesong dude. I got it from Free Willy._

_Arthur, I don't think America is all there..._

Oh Lord... I need another drink.

_Listen... whistle... peep... whistle... herk herk herk... how was that dude Whales?_

_Ydych yn__imbecile._

_That's what I'm talking about!_

_...And when it was St David's Day you didn't wear that Daffodil hat I sent you..._

Okay, okay... I know...

_I'm always the last on your list aren't I? Oh yes, you go drinking with big brother Scotland with his nice Scotch, but you won't even come to the rugby with me._

I can't bloody stand the big eejit!

_Hahaha, Arty just said eejit!_

Oh dear Lord, I think I'm turning Irish.

_(shouting) I bloody hate you! You big Jessie! Call yerself a Nation! _

Hamish, shut the bloody hell up!

_Aye, yer know, I'm glad that bloody emperor Adrian built that bloody great wall – then I didn't have to bloody well look at you!_

It was Emperor Hadrian... that was to keep you bloody lot out...

_What? Like the Great Wall of China? Dude that's so cool..._

Well, I suppose so... oh God where's my drink... Yes like the Great Wall of China... only less... big...

_Everything in England is small..._

Who the bloody hell said that?

_Arty? _

Yes, America? Oh bartender... yes, my good man, can I have a double scotch... on the rocks... and a nice cup of tea...

_Did China build that wall to keep fat commie dude out?_

I don't know... oh thank you... no tea? Damn and blast.

_Scotch and ice? Bugger me sideways, Arthur yer big Jessie, yer cannae have Glenmorangie with ice..._

Shut up, Hamish, what the hell has it got to do with you?

_You should be drinking Irish Whiskey, Arthur... you're in Ireland now..._

Yes, and don't I bloody know it... can someone please stop that man playing that fiddle in my ear?

_Dude, I'll tell that joke Arty told me the other day..._

Oh I don't care any more... what am I anyway? Catholic or Protestant? Church of England? Anglican? I hate them all... no I don't ... I mish London...

_There was this Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman... and they all walked into a bar._

_No Welsh then? That's typical of you, Arthur._

_Then the Englishman said... _

I need a cup of tea...

_No he didn't, Arty..._

_He said honhonhon I really fancy that rather gorgeous Frenchman over zere in zat natty suit and with the gorgeous hair!_

Oh dear Lord, no.

_Actually he didn't say that either... he said..._

_Hey Francis!_

_Bonjour Hamish! It eez so nice to see you in zis beautiful city, oh yes. Why are you so sad, mon Angleterre?_

_He's drunk... and then the Irishman said..._

_Francis would you like to jig?_

_Honhonhon for you Miss Erin? I would jig, I would dance... I would..._

Bloody lay one of your perverted wandering hands on my little sister, Frogface and I'll kick your arse all the way back to gay Paree or however the bloody hell way you say it.

_And then the Scotsman said..._

_Ach! I bet you're gonna say that we moan about the bloody weather aren't ye?_

_Well, you do, Hamish._

_Yer can shut up, Bryn. You were seven years old before me and Arthur told you to take that bloody cagoule off..._

It's Arthur and I.

_Shut up yer Sassenach._

_And the bishop said to the actress... you can take it out as well! Hahahahaha!_

_It's very wet in Wales._

_Dude! You guys kill me! I bet it is! Hahahaha, seriously, are you okay? I mean shouldn't we get you in a salty bath or something?_

_What's wrong with him, Arthur?_

So many things... where do I start...?

_Oooh Arthur! Francis is such a good dancer... but I wish he would keep his hands off my bottom..._

Francis! I told you...

_Oh mon ange! Oh wine... green wine? D'accord..._

What the bloody hell? And where's my cup of tea? Bartender? Bartender? No I do not want another green Guinness... do you have... I don't know... a proper English pint? I'll even settle for a Newcastle Brown Ale.

(silence suddenly descends)

_Are you a Geordie?_

The impertinence! Of course I'm bloody not... dear Lord.

_Phew! Fecking hell! Thought it was a Geordie! _

_(music and dancing resumes)_

Can we leave this place? I mean honestly I thought this was going to be a pub crawl.

_I'm staying with Patrick, I think we're going up on stage in a bit and do some Riverdance... please stay Arthur..._

Well... I don't know... I really think...

_There's a grand pub down the road – the Giddy Tart... we'll go in there... are you up for that, Francy-pants?_

_Oh mon dieu! It sounds like my kind of place!_

It was probably bloody named after you.

_Oh okay, Arthur, I'll see you later..._

Bryn? Alfred? Are you two coming?

_Yes, Arthur, but can you tell America to stop whistling at me... I don't understand. And he asked me how much fish I eat..._

That's because he's a moron.

_Woohoo, I got my car just down the road..._

We don't need your bloody car...

_Sure we do..._

_The Giddy Tart is just around the corner._

_Non, I am here... oh oui._

America, you can't drive, you've been drinking.

_I only had one of those green thingies. Everyone get in... do you like my hire car?_

Well, it's more of a hire truck, isn't it? Why, Alfred, just why?

_I like my cars big, dude._

_Honhonhon, like I like my women... and my men, oh yes._

Just shut it, frogface. Drive on the left, Alfred...

_Right..._

No, left...

_I know, right?_

Left, left, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT... Dear Lord... you nearly ran that... that... what was it? A green something or other over.

_Chill out, man._

_Somebody just touched me..._

_Honhonhon, ah Wales... my leetle dragon..._

Get your bloody hands off my little brother!

_Jesus, England, stop shouting... I cannae hear maself think... yer always bloody shouting._

And you would bloody shout as well if you had to put up with him...

_Yer know, I dinnae think you should be in charge of us... why you? It should be me... I'm the oldest. I'm Scotland... and I've ma irn bru... and..._

Oh shut the bloody hell up. I attend the meetings because...

_Yes, Arthur, why do you?_

Well, Bryn, perhaps you should be quiet, seeing as you're just a principality...

_I'm a Nation and don't you forget it... (breaks into song – in Welsh which became indecipherable)_

_Yeah, dude Arty, why are you the personification of Britain?_

Because I'm the only one with any bloody sense, that's why. Nobody understands Hamish...

_I'm no that bleddy bad... I'm better now I dinnae live in Glasgow..._

...and he's always drunk...

_Nah, that's no bloody fair...I'm not... hic._

Wales is too young...

_Hey! I resent that..._

_Yo, I bet it's hard for you... do you dry out if you're out of water too long?_

_What?_

_Que?_

_America's younger than me!_

_Hell yeah!_

Just shut up, all of you. I'm getting a headache.

_It would be nice to 'ave another person to represent Britain, non? You are perhaps a leetle... angry most of ze time..._

I'M NOT BLOODY ANGRY. I JUST WANT MY CUP OF TEA!

_Dude! Need to take a chill pill._

_Ah we are here..._

...and a scone... with butter... that would be nice.

* * *

><p>(Oh Diane, I'm at some absolute horror of a pub called... can you believe it the Giddy Tart... it has to be named after France. There are people everywhere dressed in green, with green wigs... oh I'm wearing a green wig... how did that happen? And large green leprechaun hats... And the next person who says begorrah or top o' the morning, I'm going to punch them in the bloody face. I need a cuppa...)<p>

_Four pints of Guinness over here and a wine and a Scotch and a double rum..._

And a bloody cup of Earl Grey...

_And a cup of Earl Grey for Grandpa there..._

I say, old chap do you sell scones? No? Oh... no Earl Grey? Oh... well...

_Mon Angleterre, let yourself go... oh yes... it will be fun, non? _

Just bugger off, Francy-pants... ah... rum... oh yes...

_... and then the actress said to the bishop it wasn't my hand... hahahahaha._

_Honhonhon... non! Who would have thought... but zat is very funny._

I told him that joke.

_Oh Danny Boy..._

_(Dictaphone had to be turned down in volume to '1' as the sound of singing was deafening)_

_Woohoo, I love this song..._

Oh bloody hell, more like... can we go to another bloody pub?

_Oh mon Angleterre, we only just got here... you should perhaps stop swearing and perhaps stop drinking so fast, non?_

Shod off... bloody Franshis...

_(crowd singing)...And when you come.. and all the flowers are dying..._

(sob) Oh America... why did you leave me?

_This song is very sad, non?_

_(crowd singing) If I am dead, as dead I well may be_

(sobbing) I mish my conolies...

_Que?_

_(singing) You'll come and find the place where I am lying. And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me._

I mish India... and ... and... I've shtill got Gibraltar though... Antonio can keep hish bloody handsh off that...

_Oui, oui, but of course... mon Angleterre. Perhaps I get you that cup of tea, non?_

I don't bloody need a cup of tea... I need my conolies... coloniesh...

_(crowd singing) And I shall rest in peace until you come to me._

Well I bloody won't resht in bloody peash... peace...

(singing) Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves... Britons will never be slaves!

_I zink you should perhaps sit down Arthur..._

_Fecking hell, who brought a fecking Englishman in here?_

_Dude Arthur... I don't think they like your song..._

Well, I don't bloody care...

(sounds of scrambling, lots of shouting and smashing...)

_Woohoo, we got thrown out of the Giddy Tart..._

_I did not finish my wine, non._

_Ye great eejit, Arthur, I hadna finished my Scotch._

I don't give a bloody... who cares? I'm going to get a cup of bloody Earl Grey.. hic... nobody'sh going to shtop me.

_Drunk._

_Oui_

_As a skunk._

_Bloody Sassenach. I dinnae care, I'm going for a bloody drink you lot look after the English idiot, are you coming, Bryn?_

_Well, Hamish..._

_Yo Bryan Whales.. my main man, come with us... and help me and Francy dude with your brother._

_My name is Bryn._

* * *

><p>(Diane, I'm not drunk, hic, I jusht need shum tea... yesh, what the bloody hell is the name of this public houshe here then? Hmmm... the Flirty Duck? Dear Lord... where are the others? I shuppose I shouldn't leave Alfred he can't handle hish drink, no. And Franshish is jusht just a bloody teash ... tease.)<p>

_Honhonhon zis is a very good name, non? Dirty..._

Don't shay it...

_Oui... honhonhon. A glass of your finest wine, non? Oui, from ze Bordeaux region? Non? You do not? Pourquoi? Ah oui. Hmmm, only zis Guinness as you call eet...By ze way I like your hat, oui... and your erm... green hair eet is very ... becoming... non? A shamrock? Ah oui, merci._

Dear Lord, all I want ish a bloody cup of tea!

_Calm down, Arty dude. You're upsetting Bryan... are you sure you're okay? Do you need to like go in the sea now? We could get him a tin of sardines or something?_

Irish coffee? Well... it bloody would be wouldn't it? Go on then, it might shober...sober me up.

_Dude Arty, there's a parade outside! Woohooo..._

_Dancing girls? Oh oui..._

_I don't think so, Francis... it looks like a lot of leprechauns... fairies... green shamrocks..._

I don't really care... why does the light hurt so much? Can everyone just stop shouting?

_Woohoo, I'm in there... come on guys... Dude Whales? Are you coming? Woohoo there's a sign there that says save the whale!_

_What? That's not... oh I think I understand..._

_I bet you love Greenpeace dude? Get in... I'm on that float..._

Francish?

_Oui, mon Angleterre?_

What the bloody hell ish going on?

_You are very drunk, mon Arthur, Wales is outside watching a parade and America is..._

_(very loud singing is heard on a tannoy/loud speakers) Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world..._

_Singing, oh oui. He has very good voice, non?_

Bloody hell...

* * *

><p>(Diane, I'm stood outside with Franshish and ... America is up on one of the parade floats singing his heart out... Don't stop bloody believing or some such shit... actually he'sh rather good... hic... oh my little boy... up there... shinging... and danshing...)<p>

_Oui, we did a good job bringing him up, Angleterre?_

_We're not his parentsh!_

_Ah but Angleterre, I disagree... I am his père and you are his..._

Don't you bloody dare shay it...

_Mère... ah oui..._

I'M NOT HISH BLOODY MOTHER! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?

_Angleterre! Hmmmffffmmmffffmmmffff get off me!_

Bloody French... ow! What the ...

(Dictaphone is knocked off/switched off - the author is unsure)

* * *

><p>Where the hell am I?<p>

_Honhonhon we are in a cell, oh yes... arrested for fighting. You knocked out four policemen before zay took down your details. Zose handcuffs were very fetching on you, Angleterre. You have been unconscious for hours... oh yes... you are so very cute when you are asleep._

WHAT? I BLOODY HOPE YOU DIDN'T...OW OW OW (starts whispering) I wish someone would tell that light to shut up... and anyway why are you here?

_I was fighting with you... and zen we fought together and... you punched a man who tried to get me off you... or you off me... it was fun oh yes._

I don't believe you were bloody fighting... ow, my bloody eye hurts... who the bloody hell gave me a black eye.

_Ah mon Angleterre! I did not realise zat you cared for me so much... you were like an animal!_

Bugger off you French tart... and where's Bryn and America?

_Je ne sais pas._

Speak bloody English, for once in your long perverted, Gallic life, speak bloody English when I'm talking to you...

_I do not know._

(sound of door opening)

_Mr Kirkland? Mr Bonnefoy?_

_Oui, zat is us? We are together, oh yes._

I don't bloody need you to speak for me... yes that's me... us... I mean..

_Oh yes, it is us..._

There is no bloody us.

_Riiiiiiiight... Can you walk this way, please?_

_Oh oui, but erm... I see..._

France! Bloody stop it! Stop walking like a bloody tool!

_Ze man said to walk like 'im..._

There's something bloody wrong with you.

_Ah Pierre! You 'ave found me... Je t'aime._

_(lots of indecipherable French and what sounds like kissing)_

Do you have to bloody kiss everyone on the bloody cheek all the time?

_It is a French zing, non? Ah Pierre... you have come to my aid again... 'ow can I ever repay you?_

(Diane, that's poor Pierre, France's embassy representative in Britain. He gets him out of jail and out of trouble. Poor chap has seen more Police Stations than I've had hot dinners...)

_Monsieur France, please don't mention it... really... ever... especially not to my wife... and I would prefer it if you don't call me your little mignon any more... non?_

He doesn't call me his little mignon...

_Ah mon Angleterre... it is a term of respect... perhaps I should call you mon petit mignon, oui?_

Erm, Pierre?

_Eeet is nothing to do with me, Monsieur Angleterre. I have to be going...Monsieur France? You have to come with me now... oui... _

_Ah Pierre you do love me! _

_Hmmm, eet is my job I have to make sure you get back home to Paris... le President Sarkozy says that it is time you were home, non?_

_Honhonhon and Carla – she misses me!_

Dear Lord!

_I know... the President is not enough of a man for her..._

I don't bloody want to know this...

_He is only very small, non?_

I think you should... what?

_Monsieur France? Perhaps we should be going, non?_

_Au revoir, mon Angleterre, until we meet again..._

Hang on a bloody minute... what were you saying about Sarkozy?

_Au revoir. Hmmm hmmm hmmm._

Don't bloody kiss me!

_Ah Mr Kirkland?_

Yes? Who are you?

_Major Fotherington-Fartworthy at your service, Sir._

What?

_I've been sent by Her Majesty's Government to bring you home._

What?

_MI6, Sir._

What?

_Are you having a problem with your speech, Sir? Perhaps you've had a brain aneurysm?_

What the bloody hell? What do you mean you've been sent to bring me home?

_We received a call, Sir, that you were ahem, arrested for public disorder and as you are our Nation, Sir, I was sent to bring you back to London. Her Majesty is most displeased and the Prime Minister..._

Well, he can bugger off...

_Ahem, I see... I'll convey your message to him._

You can get me a bloody cup of tea, that's what you can do.

(Dictaphone is switched off)

* * *

><p>Diane, I'm back home in my house in London. Peace at last. Bloody Major Fartworthy or whatever the bloody hell his name is... who the bloody hell does he think he is? Arrested for public disorder! I've never been so embarrassed in my life. Of course it's all Francis' fault. I bet his trousers came off somewhere along the line. Dear Lord, my head still bloody hurts. And the boss wants to see me tomorrow... I don't bloody care. They can sod off.<p>

I wonder what happened to Alfred and Bryn? I do hope they're alright. In a strange city, alone. I'm sure bloody Hamish is alright. He's always bloody alright. He's probably drinking some poor goon under the table.

Oooh Erin's texted me and said... 'Put on the tv'

What the hell? I presume she means switch on the television. You can't physically put a television on, can you? Honestly, the younger generation.

What's this she's texted... 'Wot hppnd 2 u? Alfie was a laff. He a hero. Pads sez bring im agen.'

Dear Lord, what the hell does that mean?

(switches on the television)

I have no idea what I'm bloody looking for... all these channels...

I will text Erin back – 'which channel?'

(Sound of phone beeps as text comes back)

'4, u big mong'.

Well, I say!

... Channel four, I really prefer the good old BBC... but... dear Lord... is that Alfred? And Bryn? What? Where...? They're on stage... with that ... oh what's his bloody name? That Irish long-haired ... sunglasses... Why is he wearing sunglasses? It's the bloody evening...

I will text Erin back 'why is Alfred and Bryn on stage and who is that goon in the glasses?'

(sound of phone beeps as text comes back)

'U2'

You too? What on earth is she talking about? You two? You to what? Oh I give up. I'm going to have a bloody nice cup of tea and a scone... he can't bloody sing anyway... I bet he gets arrested for invading the stage... Give me the Beatles any day. Where's my embroidery?

**Author's Notes:**

**This was co-written with Vengeful Cat – who really wanted to do a tribute to St Patricks Day.**

**Begorrah – an Irish term for 'By God'. I suppose it would be like a verbal tic such as Da for Russia, aru for China etc.**

**Burns Night – Robert Burns Night – 25th January where the Scots drink lots of whisky, eat haggis and read the poetry of the Scottish poet, Robbie Burns.**

**Liffey Water – Irish term for Guinness (the River Liffey runs through Dublin and the myth is that its this water that is used to brew Guinness)**

**Feck – an Irish term for the word 'fuck' but the Irish use 'feck' as a noun, adverb, adjective and verb...**

**Men of Harlech is an old Welsh song about the Cambrian (i.e. Welsh) defenders against the Saxon (i.e. English) invaders...**

**The Wild Rover – a very famous Irish folk song**

**Land of My Fathers – the Welsh Anthem – usually sang at Rugby matches**

**ydych yn imbecile – you are an imbecile (in Welsh)**

**St David's Day – patron saint of Wales is St David – which is on 1st March. The saint's symbol is a daffodil and on this day a lot of people do wear big daffodil hats (particularly at the rugby matches – most Welsh people are into rugby – trust me, I'm part Welsh)**

**Eejit – slang term mostly used in Ireland but also in Scotland for idiot**

**Hadrian's Wall – was built by the Roman Emperor Hadrian in AD 122 across the northern part of England between England and Scotland – to keep out the marauding Scots**

**Glenmorangie – a malt whisky**

**Cagoule – a waterproof smock-type garment that pulls over the head and keeps you dry.**

**Newcastle Brown Ale – from the northern English city of Newcastle. Newcastle is, I suppose, the home of what we call 'Geordies' – people from the North East – many of whom are descended from Viking settlers... they are truly tough people – probably I would say tougher than Scots, hence tougher than Russians etc...**

**Dragon – the symbol for Wales (not whales)**

**Glasgow – it's quite well known that the Glaswegian accent is practically indecipherable even for fellow Scots (I don't mean this disrespectfully for Glaswegians – honestly)**

**Danny Boy – a very popular Irish song**

**Rule! Britannia – a very popular British patriotic song – usually associated with the British Royal Navy**

**Irish coffee – is coffee with a liberal dose of Irish whiskey (Scotch whisky and Irish whiskey are different – they look the same, and unless you know your whisky taste the same... but they're not), sugar and thick cream.**

**Dublin St Patricks Day parade – yes there is one but I can't say if America did stand on a 'float' and sing Don't Stop Believin'**

**Little mignon – little cutie in French**

**President Sarkozy of France – presumably when France is talking about Carla –he means Sarkozy's wife Carla Bruni.**

**Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible - i.e. the Weekend in the Haunted Castle Part V will continue next week...**


	16. Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part V

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or the characters therein.**

**Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: kimmy540, Cuddlyporcupine, CaKuRamen, LightningIzzy, Raexion, Nanabug, KousakaAmatsuki, GermanyIsAwesome-NotPrussia , OneGirlStudio, SchrapnelGirl, SullyWullyBunny, XXItsSoColdXX, XxTomatoBoxFairyXx, Lunda Lacrimosa, Regal Panther, Super Sister, Frina17, , renabug97, cosanera, SeXtAPoP, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers.**

**As always persons unknown to the author will have their dialogue typed in italics. Arthur's dialogue will be in regular font.**

**Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part V**

Russia? Russia? Where in the name of cricket has he gone? Woo, wait a minute... my Dictaphone...

(Dictaphone is switched off)

(Dictaphone is switched on)

Soooo... we can confirm it's definitely not Russia... but who on earth would kidnap Russia... who would dare?

_Poor little Vanya... he'll be so scared..._

Erin, are you bloody insane? I mean are you out of your tiny mind, woman?

_Will you stop swearing, Arthur? I'm just concerned about a fellow Nation._

This is getting serious...

_Nein, really? So now you only take it seriously because your Mr America is kidnapped and Russia is kidnapped._

'_E misses his colony, oh yes..._

_Ve and Big Brother Spain is still asleep..._

Of course I'm taking this seriously, and it isn't just because Alfred has gone... and... ohhh (sob)

_Oh, Arthur, I'm so sorry. I know how much Alfred means to you..._

Erin... I'm just worried about him. He's a gentle, delicate soul really. All this hero malarkey is just a load of rubbish. He's not like France who loves being tied up...

_...Oh yes... It was magnifique, but the bonds were not tight enough, non?_

_Den Mund halten!_

...and he's not big and tough really like Russia... I mean he is strong... but he's just a boy...

_Honhonhon, oh yes he is..._

_Ve, I miss Luddy..._

Actually, do you know what, Italy? So do I... so do I... So I suppose I'm in charge? (mutters) British Empire, British Empire. Right I can do this.

_Vy are you in charge? I am the oldest here..._

_Actually I think big brother Hamish is older than you, Mr Austria?_

Ha... in your face...

_But what happens, Mr England when we are all kidnapped? _

Oh Miss Lily... I'm sure...

_If they kidnap me I'll give them what for. Us Irish don't go down without a fight._

Yes, of course, if they've beaten America, Sweden, Russia, Switzerland... you are definitely going to be too much for them aren't you? A small, nine stone Irish girl...

_Hey, I'm not nine stone, you cheeky sod!_

... I'm sure this utterly ruthless gang of kidnappers are going to think twice aren't they?

_I have my lucky shamrock!_

_You zink zis is a gang, non?_

_Ja, why do you sink zis is a gang, England? You seem to know a lot about it?_

Did you lot listen to that Dictaphone? I bloody played the whole thing to you... who else could take down Russia?

_...poor Vanya..._

Hmm, indeed.

_But he said 'why are you here?'_

Good point, Austria. So that means...

_... he knew him or her.._

Or them!

_Mein Gott! It's one of the Nations..._

Exactemundo!

_What, Arthur?_

I don't know I just always wanted to use that word and Alfred's not here...

_But it might not be a Nation, it could be anyone. Mr Russia knows lots of bad people..._

That's true Lily. You're right.

_I know who it is! I know, I know..._

Oh, okay, Feliciano, who is it?

_It's... Miss Belarus..._

_(someone screams)_

Okay, okay, everyone just calm down. Let's think about this logically. Why would she kidnap all the others? Russia yes, but ... erm, Mr Sweden?

_Yes, why would she kidnap my husband?_

Erm indeed, or erm Mr Germany?

_Because she is a nutter?_

_Oui, she is not normal, she does not zink I am gorgeous, non? _

Oh for God's sake, not everyone thinks you're a so-called love god.

_Zay do not?_

I can smell something strange... like...

_Zat is not funny, non? Zis new cologne is by Givenchy..._

No, I mean..

_I zee vaht you mean, phew..._

_Oh dear..._

_Fratello have you...?_

_No, Romano..._

_Rock out girlies, put your knitting down! The Hero is back!_

America?

_Mein Gott, that smell?_

_Fuck yeah, dudes! It's me..._

Dear Lord! What the bloody hell in the name of my aunt Boudicca has happened to you?

_I know! Just like Rambo... Bruce Willis... I got away dude... It was epic!_

_Mein Gott, I think... I need to open some windows..._

_Mr America... I'm very sorry to tell you but you smell very bad..._

_Hell yeah!_

_You do know that is bad, don't you?_

_I smell like a Hero, Italy dude!_

How in the name of all that's holy did you get away? And please just go and stand over there...

_Yes, Mr America, how did you escape? Please tell us?_

_Well, little Miss Lily..._

_But please tell us while you stand outside..._

And where the bloody hell is the rest of your clothes? You're only wearing your trousers and your vest?

_Just like Bruce Willis in Die Hard, right? I know... _

You look a bloody scruff. Go and stand outside... you're covered in... oh, dear Lord.

_Shit._

_There is no need to swear._

_No, that's what I'm covered in..._

_I think I'm going to be sick._

_It was dark, dudes... and... okay, okay I'm going outside...chillax... and they tied me up... well there were loads of them... I tried to hit one of them, but there were so many, man... I think... and then it all went dark._

You were knocked out? You fought them, though?

_Well, kinda... it got kinda confusing..._

So, in other words, you didn't...

_Anyway, I was blindfolded but I'd watched that awesome show about Houdini dude and I managed to free my hands and then my blindfold._

Did you see anyone else?

_Like who?_

Well... you know like other Nations? You big idiot...

_Oh riiiiight... it was real dark. But yeah, there was ma dudes Pru and Den tied up together but they were out for the count. I tried to get the ropes off them but they were tied real tight. I reckon whoever did those knots was in the Navy, man._

Hmmm... Navy, eh?

_Oui, I zink zay were experts in bondage, oh yes._

Why does it always come down to kinky stuff with you?

_Then I heard them coming back..._

Them? How do you know it was them?

_Eh?_

_Yes, Mr America? How do you know there were more than one?_

_Well, Miss Lily, yer see, I know you ain't got no experience of fighting... but it had to be a big gang of tough guys to take me down... and Russkie._

How do you know Russia was 'taken down' as you call it? That was after you were kidnapped.

_I heard him, dude..._

_Vaht? _

_What?_

He means what?

_What?_

Oh for God's sake, Alfred. How do you know Russia was kidnapped? Did you see him?

_Nope, but I heard him... kolling and growling... he sounded like a big bear or something... real angry... in the next cell..._

Cell? What cell?

_Oh Mr America! There were cells? Did you really see anything?_

_Yep, Miss Lily, I tried to carry Gil and Den, but they were tied together and they're heavy, even for me, the Hero, so I went down this long dark corridor. It was exactly like that basement, Arty dude... but it wasn't..._

In other words it wasn't exactly like that basement, was it?

_You're spoiling my story, Arty. And there were loads of doors and I think I heard Russkie dude kolling behind one and I banged on it and shouted 'Hey fat commie bastard', but the door shook and I thought I'd go on my way..._

You ran off, didn't you?

_Well... no of course not. Anyway, I think I heard Vash yelling about suing someone..._

_Bruder! He's okay?_

_Yep. _But_ all the doors were locked and I heard these heavy footsteps of that gang coming back..._

Even though you have no real idea if it's a gang or not...

_And then I found a hatchway... it led straight to the..._

Sewers by any chance?

_How did you guess?_

Just a wild shot in the dark.

_Then I came out of a manhole down the driveway and came in here._

_I zink he needs to take a shower... oui?_

Actually, Francy-pants, for once, you are right.

_Hell, yeah! But I don't have any spare clothes... they were in all in my Hummer._

Wonderful.

_You can have some of mine, ah oui!_

Put your bloody pants on, France! He's not going to bloody take the ones you're wearing, is he?

_I have some spare clothes America, you can borrow some of mine. I expect them to be returned in good condition though, dry-cleaned of course. _

_Dude Arty, I'm not borrowing from him... I'll look like a ponce!_

_Hey! I resent that remark. These clothes are good quality, the pants are 18__th__ Century. __And this jacket was given to me by Mozart himself..._

_Exactly... I'll look like a Grandpa._

_Ve, I have some spare ones you can borrow and so does fratello._

_Dammit, leave me outa this._

_Hey, dude I'm a bit big for your clothes... know what I mean? _

For goodness sake, you can borrow a suit of mine.

_I'll look like an old fogey._

Just shut up and get up those stairs and get those stinking clothes off.

(sounds of stomping up the stairs)

Austria?

_Ja?_

Keep an eye on everyone... I'm leaving you in charge.

_Ja. I should think so. I am the oldest..._

_No, you're not. Hamish is the oldest. And Mr Spain is also older than you._

_But Herr Scotland and Herr Spain are both unconscious so they do not count, ja?_

_(argument continues and fades out)_

Get in that bathroom and get those clothes off... don't throw them at me... dear Lord.

_Ah yes, I will help, non? You may want someone to scrub your back?_

_Arty! Dad? Help me..._

Dad? I'm not your bloody father... I'll run you a bath.

_Well... okay... but make sure Francy doesn't come in... And can I have bubbles?_

_Poo! L'odeur... it eez terrible..._

Shut the bloody hell up, France and bugger off.

_Ah, oui, the special relationship, non? Eet was not always the way, non? When we looked after 'im? We were a leetle familie..._

No, we bloody weren't.

_Aaaah, I remember... I was ze mari et you were ze femme... America was ze enfant..._

I bloody well was not! You take that back you French pervert. It's a bloody shame that the sodding kidnapping gang didn't bloody keep you...

_Zay could not handle my lurve.._

I bet they bloody couldn't...

_Hey, dudes... stop fighting out there. You're kinda spoiling my bath. And Arty Dad? There aren't any bubbles... you said there'd be bubbles._

No, I bloody well did not!

_Ah mon dieu... mon Angleterre... We 'ave shared such sweet memories._

No we bloody well have not... get your bloody hands off my arse!

_Ah mon Angleterre... mmfffmmm nggggg..._

That'll teach you, you bloody garlic-eating pervert...

_Ah my neck... gurgle... monsieur!_

_(sounds of banging)_

I'll bloody well knock some sense into that bloody head of yours Francy... oh...

_It is a 'ole._

I say! I appear to have knocked a hole in the wooden panels with your stupid Frenchy head and there's a secret passageway.

_Dudes! What have you done? Arty? I'm totally coming to save you... if that Frenchy dude has done something to you... oh there's no towels.._

_An 'ole in ze wall..._

I think, you'll find, you mindless moron, that it's a secret passageway.

_You zink?_

Yes, I bloody well do.

_I'm totally coming to save you... but don't look, okay?_

Alfred! Get some bloody clothes on!

_Oh America! You 'ave grown so much since you were a colony... oh yes... a superpower indeed._

Shut up Francis and stop looking at his...

_Florida, man!_

Alfred will you go and get some bloody pants on?

_I was coming to save you, dude... he said something about a hole..._

_Honhonhon... oh yes, you can come and save me... Monsieur America, you and your super-weapons of mass destruction...oh yes._

Bloody hell, France, what the hell is wrong with you? And Alfred, get some bloody pants on.

_(muttering) I was coming to save you, dude Arty, thanks for nothing... _

_Monsieur America, you have a nice derriere!_

_(sounds of running) Dude Arty! Where's your suitcase? Which room were you in? Please tell me Francis isn't following me?_

No, he's not. You, France, can bloody well stay here with me and investigate this 'hole'...

_Oh oui, of course..._

... I mean passageway..

_Even better..._

Secret passageway... oh I give up... get in there...

_Moi?_

Yes, you ... you can go first... if anyone or anything grabs you, you have my permission to do anything you like.

_Vraiment?_

Molest whoever the hell you like, but not me... Let's go... I've got a sneaky suspicion that we might just run into those vagabonds and now I've got my gander up...

_Honhonhon._

Oh shut up and get going...

**Author's Notes:**

**Den Mund halten – shut up in Austrian**

**Scotland or the Kingdom of the Picts then named Alba or Scotland was first formed in the 6th Century, Austria in 976.**

**Boudicca – Queen of the Iceni tribe in Britain in AD61 or thereabouts who kicked Roman arse.**

**Mari – husband in French**

**Femme – wife in French**

**Vraiment – really? In French**

**Got my gander up – a slang term in English which basically means 'I'm annoyed'**

**Sorry it's been a while in updating and the gap in the story. **

**Has anyone guessed who the kidnapper/kidnappers are yet? Non? Next chapter will drop some clues... oh yes (BTW that's not intended as a clue it's just me trying to get France out of my head.)**


	17. Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part VI

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or the characters therein.**

**Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: FrozenBrokenSunflower, kimmy540, Cuddlyporcupine, CaKuRamen, LightningIzzy, Raexion, Nanabug, KousakaAmatsuki, GermanyIsAwesome-NotPrussia , OneGirlStudio, SchrapnelGirl, SullyWullyBunny, XXItsSoColdXX, XxTomatoBoxFairyXx, Lunda Lacrimosa, Regal Panther, Super Sister, Frina17, , renabug97, cosanera, SeXtAPoP, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers.**

**As always persons unknown to the author will have their dialogue typed in italics. Arthur's dialogue will be in regular font.**

**Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part VI**

_A secret passageway? Honhonhon, zis is sooo cosy, non?_

Shut the bloody hell up and keep moving you tart... and anyway why aren't you scared or anything? You're usually the first to squeal and get behind some poor fool.

_Oh yes, I like to be behind..._

No, not that, you... oh dear, I mean how come you got kidnapped and then escaped so quickly?

_I zink zay let me go. They could not cope with my all encompassing passion, non? _

You bloody groped one of them, didn't you?

_Erm, well, I..._

You bloody genius! That's why they let you go...

_Ah well... you see Angleterre... it eez always my battle plan, non? Make lurve not war..._

Man or woman?

_Either, I do not mind._

No, you tart. Was it a man or a woman?

_Erm, I zink it was... a woman, they had very, how you say, soft hair-free arms..._

Erm that doesn't mean much... China doesn't have hairy arms...

_Ah, but ... zay squeaked..._

And Japan... What? So you had a feel of their arms?

_Oui... And then I reached up to touch their face but they wore a mask... oh yes..._

What did it look like?

_I had a mask on as well... oh and zis person, they had small hands..._

So that definitely rules out Russia, Sweden, Germany, Poland...

'_Ow do you know, non? And besides leetle Alfred had heard Russia..._

Yes, but that doesn't mean anything... he heard Russia... that doesn't mean Russia was a captive, does it?

_Ah oui... and the others they are hairy, non?_

Bloody hell! Have you ever seen Pol's arms – they're like a navvy's! How on earth he gets away with being a cross-dresser is beyond me.

_You know a lot about zees Nations' bodies, non?_

Shut up. Unless of course you're lying?

_Pourquoi?_

Right, this tunnel is going nowhere... a dead end...

_Ah poo! So we go back... Zis person... zis leetle person ..._

Hang on, hold the line... did you say 'leetle'?

_Ah oui..._

Why little?

_Ah, they did not have to bend down, non?_

You were sat on a chair?

_Oui, it was very exciting. They were very strong..._

I bet you bloody didn't struggle.

_Non, they had knocked me out and then they tied me to a chair. I felt a gun to my head... it was very dark... and they bound me and I tried to get a feel..._

You bloody pervert... But that is interesting...

_Oui, I bet you wish you were there, Angleterre? _

No, not interesting in that way, you bloody idiot. I'm talking about not having to bend down. A small person, not hairy... with a gun...

_Oui._

What did Russia say... "Oh it's you" or something? He didn't sound worried or scared...

_Non, but it is Russia, non? Nobody scares Russia..._

Oui, I mean, er yes, but some of the leetle Nations do make him uneasy don't they? I mean worry him? Hungary and her frying pan.

_She eez not leetle, non? But she eez scary, non?_

Oui. And it can't possibly be Belarus – there's no way he'd sound so calm if it were Belarus...

_Oui, soooo?_

So?

_Sooo, Monsieur Sherlock, who do you zink it is?_

I think, my dear Watson, I know who it is!

_Oh, mon cher! You are so clever, non?_

I would have figured it out earlier if you'd told me all that...

_But you did not ask me, non?_

And it's somebody who clearly does not wish to be mauled by you.

_Ah oui, so they are completely deranged, non?_

Or the most normal, sane Nation there is...

_You zink zis is a Nation?_

Or Nations...

_Hmmmm. I can smell something... it is...?_

Bloody rude git. I had a shower earlier... it's you who bloody smells of garlic... Come on, let's get back. Besides I can hear somebody coming...

_Non, not you, mon cher... it is... somezing... like ..._

If it's that bloody kidnapper or kidnappers, I'm going to bop them on the bloody nose. HEY! YOU VAGABONDS! JUST TRY AND GET ME... I CURSE YOU WITH THE WELSH ONION CURSE!

_Oui... but you know... I zink zat smell is..._

_Dude! It's me! The Hero... why are you down here? Is it a secret passageway?_

Alfred! Well, it's not secret now is it? And... what in the name of arse are you wearing?

_Dude, I know... I look like Mozart's great grandpa in this._

_The sea._

Que? I mean, wut? I mean, what?

_The sea. I can smell the sea._

Shut up, frogface. We're miles from the bloody sea.

_So what did you find? Eh? And why did you go together? I mean, dudes, if you wanted some time alone..._

Of course we didn't want time alone. What the bloody hell are you implying?

_Well... dude._

Wait a minute... is that the doorbell I can hear?

_I don't know, is it?_

Shut up, Alfred.

_(singing) La mer... Qu'on voit danser le long des golfes clairs..._

Shut up singing, Francy.

_(singing) A des reflets d'argent..._

Bloody shut up.

_I zink I 'ear ze doorbell as well... La Mer... ah._

WAIT! WHOEVER ANSWERS THE BLOODY DOOR...

_Arty dude, you shouted in my ear..._

Get out of the bloody way... this might be our salvation!

_It is our salvation! Ve! It's pizza delivery!_

Wait! You idiots... has that man gone?

_Ve... he has..._

But ... you fools...

_Aw man! Italy! I mean, come on, dude..._

_La mer..._

Shut the bloody hell up, France! I mean are you all just so stupid, or what?

_Mi dispiace, Inghliterra... did you want garlic bread?_

No, you bloody fools... we could have asked that delivery man to get help.

_Ah... I see._ _Extra fries, si?_

_Don'ta shout at my fratello, tea bastard._

DON'T SHOUT? DON'T SHOUT?

_(singing)_ _Au ciel d'ete confond..._

STOP THAT BLOODY SINGING, FRANCIS!

_Dude... guys just needed pizza... hey is it a meat feast?_

_We gotta margharita with ham, pepperoni because Ludwig likes it... but... but... (sob) he issa not here to eat it..._

_Fratello..._

_... and garlic sausage ..._

But you didn't bloody well... hang on... how did you order pizza? All the phones are down?

_I pre-ordered thissa morning... you have to think of these things._

Hmmm, did you now?

_Who wantsa pizza?_

_Ach, man... you dinae have any painkillers do yer?_

Hamish? You're awake?

_Stop bloody shouting, man..._

Hmmm, did you hear that? Italy pre-ordered pizzas? Why? Did he know something about the phones, perhaps?

_Ach, man... he's just a wee loony about his bloody food..._

Alfred? What do you think?

_Hmmnnggmmmggg... meat feast... needs more... mmffngg... beef._

_Are you wearing my pants? You are getting cheese sauce on them._

_Sorry, Austriana dude._

_Honhonhon, he is, oh yes... but are you wearing yours, Autriche?_

_Vell! Of course I am wearing pants. I have never been so insulted..._

_Really? Honestly? You do not go out very much then?_

_Hellooooo, Sveiki... I think, Pol, that perhaps you are right and..._

Lithuania and Poland? How did you get here? Please tell me you came by car?

_Of course we came by car... Liet, I'm like, bored already. I said we should have gone to that club in town..._

Brilliant... I could kiss you... but I won't...

_Mr Poland... Mr Germany has been kidnapped!_

_Hahaha! Hear that, Liet? _

_Kidnapped? Really?_

_Haha! The big lunk! So uncool... serves him right for invading me._

Poland! Your car keys, give them to me...

_Excuse me but you didn't say the magic word..._

Oh for God's sake...

_Si... and Mr Sweden..._

_M'husband... I'm not happy and if I'm not happy then Santa is not happy and there will be no presents for anyone this year._

_Mr Prussia and Mr Denmark..._

_Who in their right minds would kidnap them? _

Precisely... now your car keys, please...?

_I don't think so... Liet, tell him..._

_Mr England... Feliks and I hired a top of the range sports car and we can't just give the keys to anyone._

This isn't for some bloody jaunt... it's a matter of life and death...

_Mr Switzerland was also taken by somebody or something... Miss Lily saw an awful ghost... it was wearing all white..._

_White is soooo last year..._

_And it took Mr Russia..._

_Mr R... R... Russia? I mean... Mr Russia? Really? _

_Ahem... don't forget me, dudes. It took me too, and knocked out Tony dude, Livonia._

_Lithuania._

_Yep, that's what I said. A huge gang of hardened criminals..._

_Really? _

_Non, I do not zink so... it took me, but my lurve was too much for zem. Zey were overcome with my gorgeousness..._

The keys, please, Feliks.

_You didn't say the magic words._

Bloody sodding hell, you mad, cross-dressing tart...

_They are not the magic words, Arthur... and you've gone very red._

_All he's done Mr Poland and Mr Lithuania, is swear and shout..._

Shut up, Erin. I'm trying to get us all out of here. If Poland here gives me the keys then I can drive into town and get the police and we can get this solved once and for all.

_Dude! You're totally brilliant... _

I know, I know... so, Mr Poland?

_Me and Liet will go and get help, won't we Liet?_

_Yes, of course. I don't really want to be around when Mr Russia gets free... _

_He sounded pretty annoyed... he kept kolling and growling..._

_Right, come on Pol, let's go..._

_Was he, like, tied up, Mr Amerika?_

_Well, Polish dude, I don't kinda know. I was fighting my way outta there..._

He was running away.

_And I kinda couldn't hang around, yer know. I'd broke free from my ropes and tried to free Dude Gil and Dude Den but then this huge gang of Chuck Norrises came at me..._

You never bloody saw anyone...

_... and I ninja'd my way outta there... back-flipped down this corridor and heard Mr Swissland shouting about suing someone..._

You've never back-flipped in your life...

_... and then I crawled awesomely through some sewers..._

But you probably didn't need to... you're not Bruce Willis...

_... like Indiana Jones... Hell, yeah... I've got the same surname... He could have been my dad!_

...Except he isn't...

_Sewers? How... nice..._

_What are you wearing, Amerika? I mean, those brown velvet pants and jacket don't really go with a 'Rambo' t-shirt do they?_

_They are my clothes, ja._

_Grandpa's..._

_I am not your Grandpa! And before you say it, Feliciano, I am not your Papa!_

_Since when did you wear a Rambo t-shirt, Mr Austria?_

_Oh, Liet, the guy has no sense of style._

For God's sake, car keys!

_You should, like, learn manners, Mr England._

Give me those...

_Hnngggnnnn... Liet!_

_Mr England! I'm shocked at you..._

_I know, Mr Lithuania, his whole behaviour today..._

_Ach, man, you're a disgrace of a Nation..._

_Dude! You attacked dude Pol!_

_Mon dieu! You had your hand in his bra! Oh yes... perhaps if I wore a bra you would...?_

AHA! Shut up all of you! You'll thank me for this.

_(Sounds of a door opening and gravel crunching)_

I know where the police station is in Alnwick and I'm going to get help. Shut up France... no, nobody is coming with me... no, not you, Italy. Right... That car... Where. Is. That. Car. LITHUANIA!

_Mr England?_

Your car... where is it? Oh, no...

_POL! Your car is gone..._

_NIE! I loved that car... It was my pride and joy... who would...?_

_Pol... you had that car for two hours..._

Fucking, sodding, bleeding, flipping, chuffing, bloody hell. I am surrounded by utter morons... You, Poland, are the most stupid person to ever grace this planet... you are so stupid you would be thrown out of stupid town... why didn't you give me the bloody keys? I tried to tell you that we were dealing with a ruthless kidnapper but no... you wouldn't listen, would you? Nobody fucking listens to me...

_I do..._

I'm fucking fed up... that's it, I'm done. I hope whoever it is, kidnaps you all and you all rot down there in the bloody basement with Mr stupid kolling Russia...

_Mr Russia would not like that if he heard you, Mr England..._

... and that bloody tight-arse Vash...

_Bruder..._

...and big idiot kraut Germany...

_I see it always comes down to the War, doesn't it?_

...and those stupid doods.

_It's dudes, dude._

You can all bloody well take a long walk off a short bloody pier. I hope you all bloody drown. And I hope this bloody ghost comes for you all...

_Ve, a ghost... Oh ..._

_Dude, you said it wasn't a ghost and that..._

I said...oh... I say...

_I think he's burst a blood vessel._

_His brain has gone._

_I knew this would happen one day._

_Mon cher... Oh Angleterre. I will take care of you..._

_His eyes have glazed over._

_He's totally not cool. Did you hear what he said about me, Liet? In the War he said I was stupid. My pony army was a good idea and..._

_Shut up, Pol. Now is not the time. I think Mr England is having some sort of aneurysm._

_Dude Arty? Don't go all weird on me, now._

(whispers) I bloody know who it is...

_Que?_

_Say what?_

_Kas?_

_Was?_

* * *

><p><em>But does he? Tune in next week... not many episodes to go... a thunderstorm (of course), blood and gore and someone gets desperate and someone makes a mistake... and France sings.<em>

**Author's Notes:**

**Navvy – English slang for a manual labourer – presumably Arthur means Poland's arms are muscly and hairy.**

**La mer – Famous French song (originally sung by Charles Trenet) but also famous in English as Beyond the Sea (but the English version has different lyrics, I used the French ones as France sings them)**

**_Qu'on voit danser le long des golfes clairs - That one sees dancing along the clear gulfs_**

**_A des reflets d'argent... - has silver reflections_**

**__Au ciel d'ete confond... - in the summer sky merge__**

**Mi dispiace – I'm sorry in Italian**

**Kas – what in Lithuanian**

**Was – what in German**


	18. Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part VII

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or the characters therein, but occasionally I borrow them for stories.**

**Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: WRITING IS TIRESOME YEAH, azimah19, RebeccaSaysYay, FrozenBrokenSunflower, kimmy540, Cuddlyporcupine, CaKuRamen, LightningIzzy, Raexion, Nanabug, KousakaAmatsuki, GermanyIsAwesome-NotPrussia , OneGirlStudio, SchrapnelGirl, SullyWullyBunny, XXItsSoColdXX, XxTomatoBoxFairyXx, Lunda Lacrimosa, Regal Panther, Super Sister, Frina17, , renabug97, cosanera, SeXtAPoP, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers. (last chapter everyone, thanks for all your patience and the wonderful reviews)**

**As always persons unknown to the author will have their dialogue typed in italics. Arthur's dialogue will be in regular font.**

Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part VII

I know who it is... Francis... come over here... I need to speak to you.

_Angleterre? What is eet? _

I need your help...

_Ah oui, perhaps if I remove zis, non?_

Not that kind of bloody help!

_Que?_

What?

_What?_

Look just shut up and help me in this... I have an idea to unmask our kidnapper.

_You zink ze kidnapper is 'ere... is one of us?_

I bloody know it is and they have an accomplice.

_Non!_

Yes!

_Who?_

Shut up froggie and listen. I need a diversion.

_Oooh I see, Angleterre... I can do zat... oh yes..._

Hmm, right... On my cue I want you to cause as much disruption as you can... okay?

_Ah oui... d__é__rangement... oui._

Why does everything you say sound bloody perverted?

_Hmmm, it eez just a talent that I have..._

Right when I say Agincourt...

_Ah poo... why does it 'ave to be Azincourt?_

Agincourt, you bloody frog...

_Azincourt... you monster..._

Oh bloody hell... okay, how about ... Waterloo?

_Sob..._

Maginot!

_Ah mon Angleterre, you are soooo cruel._

Okay, you think of one...

_Napoleon!_

You can just bugger off.

_Coco Chanel! Givenchy! What about... hmmm..._

Pepé Le Pew?

_Eh?_

Right-o, good show. When I say Pepe Le Pew... you cause a distraction. And I mean a proper distraction. I want everybody looking at you and ... stop looking at me like that, you idiot...

_Ah oui, I know just what to do..._

Right, let's go back inside... Bwahahahaha... this kidnapper, this little trickster has nothing on me. I am England, the home of Sherlock Holmes...

_Home of Sherlock 'omes?_

Shut up. I just need to have a chat with Hamish... Hamish! Hamish... (whispers) do you still have that costume?

_I keep telling yer it's not a bloody costume... it's a kilt..._

No... I mean that ghost costume..

_It wasna me that scared Miss Lily..._

I know it wasn't. I know what's going on. I need to borrow it.

_Aye, okay..._

I also need a distraction... just give me a few minutes.

* * *

><p><em>So Arty dude, what's the plan? Do we get this show on the road, get my dudes outta there with this here baby or what?<em>

What the bloody hell? And put that rifle down before you hurt somebody.

_Ja, it is bruder's rifle and he would not like it if you were waving it around._

Indeedy, Miss Lily, quite right.

_I...I... can hear rumbling... oh ve... fratello... hold me..._

_Dammit, get off me..._

_Don't hug me!_

_I too can hear rumbling... It sounds like... oh Pol... it sounds like Mr Russia..._

_Yer all wee jessies, so yer are... get off me, yer little gay Italian girlie._

It's thundering, people. Just calm down.

_Woohoo! Get in! A real-life thunderstorm... This is just... brilliant. It's just like those slasher movies, Arty. I told you... _

_Arthur, you didn't tell us who you thought the kidnapper was?_

Let's all go into the drawing room...

_What?_

_Drawing? They have a room for drawing? _

... Fools, the library then...

(sounds of Chopin)

... or in that room there where Austria is... come on everybody. I will reveal who the culprit is...

_Ah oui like zat famous detective Hercules Perrot?_

Hercule Poirot, yes.

_Zat is what I said. He is French, non?_

No, he isn't. He's bloody Belgian.

_Ah oui... Agatha Christie... I did not read her novels, non..._

You didn't read her bloody novels because there was no bloody sex in them. She was a fine lady. A wonderful woman... sigh.

_Dude Arty was in lurve..._

Actually...

_Can we get on with this, please, Arthur? _

_Si._

_I want my husband back. Christmas is on its way and if he's not back by then..._

_Mr Finland, I'm so sorry..._

Aha! Of course you are, Lily...

_Aaaaaargh!_

_The lights – who turned out the lights?_

_It's a full-blown terrorist attack, that's what it is. I've got my gun. I'll protect us! _

_(sounds of gunfire)_

Alfred! Stop bloody shooting!

_Mein Gott! The piano! You... you... uncultured... _

_I am cultured... I had yoghurt this morning! Tell him, Arty..._

Roll call everybody! Shut up Alfred... who is here... shout up, everyone.

_There are rolls? Bread rolls? Ve, I am sooo hungry._

_You just ate, fratello..._

_This is just bloody chaos, man... Arthur yer a jerk... it takes a Scotsman to sort this mess out... where's ma lighter._

_All the lights have gone out, Arthur._

I know, Erin...

_Someone must have pulled..._

Yes, the fuses have gone... I know...

_Antonio... mon sweet leetle Espana..._

_(grunts)_

_Ah... he eez okay... I will check for a pulse... oh yes... _

Leave him bloody alone, will you...

_There, yer wee jessies... I got ma lighter... does anyone have a cig?_

Well done, Hamish... I say...

_Liet, like, does my hair still look okay?_

_Of course, Pol... I don't like this at all though... that thunder sounds very close..._

_Poland, you look gorgeous!_

Pepe Le Pew!

_Nah... dude... more like... I don't know... Bugs Bunny?_

_I always liked Daffy Duck..._

_Yosemite Sam..._

_Mr Russia used to like The Aristocats..._

_That's Disney, not Warner..._

_My Little Pony..._

Shut up, all of you.

_Arthur, stop shouting..._

_Ma lighter's gone oot now. Stoopid England, shouting at everyone. It doesna help._

Shut up, Hamish, Erin... Pepe Le Pew!

_Que... I zink you know zat Mr America would be Simba in ze Lion King..._

Pepe Le Pew!

_Mr America is a simpleton, going around shooting up innocent pianos. I would zay he is Goofy._

_Hay dude! I am the Hero... I'm more like Indiana Jones.._

_He is not a cartoon character, Amerika._

Pepe Le Pew! For God's sake, Francis!

_Ja, that would suit Francis... dirty pervert... the indignities I have had to suffer... peering at me through windows when I lived with Ludwig. It was disturbing ._

_Ah oui, I remember eet well... ah mon Angleterre! Of course..._

_(sounds of stumbling and a crash, the thunder rolls)_

Bloody damn blast...

_(singing) Je vais et je viens, entre tes reins..._

_Mein Gott! You're not coming between my loins! _

_Oh. My. Word... Francis! Put your clothes back on..._

_Can someone put the light back out?_

_Get off my leg... mein gott! Vaht is wrong with you? _

_Francy! Get off me... I ain't like that..._

_That's not, like, what I heard, Mr Amerika... is it Liet? I mean when you lived with Amerika...?_

_Pol! _

_(singing) Tue s la vague, moi l'ile nue..._

_I don't want to be a wave and you are most definitely not my naked island or anyone else's..._

_Your French is very good, Austria..._

_(singing) L'amour physique est sans issue_

_Well your physical love is going nowhere with me... _

_Ah mon Autriche! I have always... argh! _

_There... the Hero has saved the day. No, don't thank me, Austriana._

_I am not... danke..._

_Get yer pants back on, Francis... we can see yer meat and two veg..._

* * *

><p>(whispers) Diane, I can still bloody hear them down here... Well done thought, Francy... you can always rely on Francis to strip on cue... Now then... where are you...? I've figured it all out... bwahaha! The blood on the floor... the ghost...<p>

_Aaaaargh! It can't be!_

Bwahahaha! Gotcha!

_Dude! Not cool, dude... you can't go around dressing like a ghostie... hey! It's Arty... Arty is the kidnapper!_

I'm not! It's not me! It's her...

_Mr England! Me? How could you? (sobs) Oh Mr Austria..._

_I might have known... all this talk of the War... Every single person who has been kidnapped has been in a war with you, haven't they? _

And you can just shut it, Roderich...

_Arthur! Scaring innocent little girls... poor Miss Lily..._

I am not... It wasn't... Francis! Help me!

_Eet iz not Arthur... eet cannot be... I know eet iz not 'im... he eez too 'airy... oh yes... I know Angleterre's body..._

Shut the bloody hell up!

_Right, the Hero will sort this out, let's get him, dudes..._

_I am grabbing no-one... it is beneath my dignity._

_Mr England I never would have thought – you of all people..._

It wasn't me! I sprang a trap – to capture the kidnapper. I knew when the lights went out that the culprit would go and check on their prisoners or kidnap someone else. But ... they've kidnapped enough people... haven't you, Lily?

_Oh Mr England? How could you? (sobs)_

Can it, lady... You didn't mean to kidnap Francis did you? When he tried to touch your leg you let him go, didn't you? And there was no ghost was there?

_(sobs)_

_But dudes... why would she kidnap her own brother?_

_Ja, it does not make sense... and Germany and Sweden... Prussia... well I understand that, ja... perhaps we can leave him there, ja?_

Take out the biggest threats... That's what I said before. Miss Lily is military trained by the Swiss Army... she knows how to use a gun and how to tie a rope... am I right? Prussia and Denmark just accidentally wandered in and I think Sweden also figured something out... was it the blood stain, Miss Lily? It wasn't blood was it?

_Those idiots Gilbert and Mathias got beer on my dress and the colour ran... Prussia leaned against the hidden lever that opened the dungeon..._

_Dungeon... oh ve..._

_... and just stumbled in... and Denmark came straight after. He said he was looking for his dude.. I gave them a keg of beer..._

Which was drugged, wasn't it?

_You're guessing all this aren't you, Arty?_

Nope. Go on, Miss Lily.

_I only intended to kidnap bruder... just to show that I can look after myself for once... But then it got out of control... I'd drugged the beer so that Denmark and Prussia would not bother me..._

Because you didn't have your brother's protection?

_Well... Mr Sweden... I'm sorry Mr Finland... I put him in with big bruder... I didn't mean to knock him out... _

_But how can she have? She vas with me and Miss Erin all the time I was playing the piano._

She had help, didn't you?

_There's another? _

_Right, I want to go and rescue my husband..._

_Wait a minute, before we rescue anybody. Don't forget there's a very angry Russian down there..._

Yes, why Mr Russia?

_Well... I like Mr Russia... Every-time I see him he asks me to go and visit him and I always wanted to talk to him on my own... but big bruder always stopped me..._

Good Lord.

_Hey dudes, why me? And why Tony dude?_

_I'm sorry Mr America... you got too close to the secret passageway... and I didn't mean to knock out Mr Spain..._

So, you didn't fight off a whole horde of super criminals... it was just a small girl in a red dress...

_She had a gun!_

_I actually let you go, Mr America... _

_I fought my way outta there, girly chick._

_Erm... well..._

And your accomplice?

_Oui! I know... I know... pick me... ask me... it was..._

_Peter Horatio Sealand! You are a very naughty boy. You will be grounded for this..._

_Aw, Dad..._

_Berwald! I've missed you!_

_And I missed you... I was locked up with..._

_...I am going to sue you, Arthur Kirkland... you and your Government... for false imprisonment and ... and..._

_Chillax dude, it was your little sister who did this..._

_Lily? Nein... there is no way._

_I'm sorry, bruder..._

_We should really go and get the others..._

Lithuania, we might need your help in this...

_Like, leave my Liet out of this... and Miss Lily, where is my gorgeous car?_

_Hmmm I didn't steal it... tell them, Mr Austria._

_Ja, she was with me the whole time England were yelling at Poland and Lithuania._

_And I can't drive... Dad Sweden said I was too young..._

_Y'are._

_And I want to rescue Luddy..._

Okay, okay, everyone... Quiet... Quiet...QUIET!

_...It's a disgrace, that's what it is._

_...I loved that car._

_...I miss Luddy._

_...My lawyers will be hearing about this... thousands of Euros in compensation will not make up for..._

_...Oh why don't you shut up? It's all about money with you, isn't it Switzerland?_

_...I was a hero, man... there was loads of them... all armed with guns..._

QUIET! Do you want me to get Francis to take his trousers off again?

_Honhonhon... I love it when you are all masterful, Angleterre..._

France, get your bloody clothes back on. Lithuania, we need vodka, now. Hamish, go and get Erin. Alfred, you stay well out of the way... he's going to be angry enough as it is without you opening your big mouth. Lily, do you still have that rope?

_I want to know how you knew it was Sealand, Mr France?_

_I could smell ze sea..._

Will everyone just chop chop? Right-oh, let's do this, chappies...

(sounds of clomping down steps)

Lily... lead the way...

_Oh... I see..._

_Oui, I remember now... zis is where I came out but zis door... ah I see._

Well, that's bloody clever... how come you knew about this, Lily?

_Many years ago bruder and I stayed here... just earlier on I asked if I could go up to my room? Does no-one ever listen to me?_

_You did?_

_Ja._

Okay, which one is...

_Geeeerrrrrrmaaaaaannnnny!_

_Feliciano? Italy? Are you there? _

_Germany? Germany? We have come to rescue you._

I suppose we'd better let him out as well...

_Kolkolkolkolkolkol_

Just wait your turn, Ivan... we'll let you out in a bit...

_Germanyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I missed you Luddy-kins so much..._

Luddy-kins? Hahahaha! Right, open this one, Lily...

_Gilbert and Denmark are in there..._

_Aw look! How sweet..._

_Zay are very, how you say... wrapped up in each other..._

They're still drugged! What did you put in that beer?

_Erm... I don't know... that was Peter..._

_Well, Uncle Den keeps calling me a pansy kid and taking the remote off me..._

_Italy, get off me... I'm please to see you, but..._

_I love you, Luddy..._

Right, so this cell has Russia in it... Bloody hell. Dear Lord... Lily open that door...

_She is not going to be the one who opens that door! _

She's the bloody one who locked him in there!

_He was really nice about it... but then he ran out of vodka and got a bit angry... so I ran out.. and locked it and then he started kolling..._

Anybody? Open the door? Please? Oh, okay... here goes... Hamish... if anything should happen to me – you're the personification of Britain, okay?

_Yahoooo! About bloody time! Ahm gonna be the best Britain anyone has ever seen..._

I haven't bloody died yet!

_Si, but tea bastard, it is only a matter of time, si?_

_Who is responsible around here? I have spent the best part of two hours locked in that smelly cell with just my paperwork... and no pen..._

_Gerrrrmannnyyyyy! Luddy!_

_KOLKOLKOLKOL_

Dear Lord...

_I think someone had better unlock Mr Russia's door..._

Yer think?

_Yes, go on Arthur... get it over and done with... like pulling a plaster off... it will all be over in a minute and then I... will be Britain!_

_H...H...Here's the key, Mr England..._

_Everybody run!_

Diane, I hate to swear and use profanities but... fucking hell, where is everybody? Oh dear... here we go...

_(sounds of wood splintering)_

_Kolkolkol! Mr England... I do not like you... I do not like anybody... Mr Pipe is very angry..._

Well, you don't bloody say... argh! Someone help!

_Vanya! Oh Vanya! I'm so glad you're alright! Were you hurt? I was so worried..._

_Erin! My little Ireland! I was kidnapped by little Lily and we chatted and she said she wanted to visit St Petersburg and then... and then..._

Nnnnggggghhhhh

_Vanya, could you let go of my brother, please?_

_Oh, da... Vodka! I missed you!_

Oh dear Lord...

_Vodkaaaaaa! _

_(Dictaphone is switched off)_

* * *

><p><em>(Dictaphone is switched on)<em>

Diane... I'm alone now... In the bathroom I'm sharing with Alfred. Not that he's in here with me...

_I totally am! Hey what's with this plastic thingy with the flowers on?_

It's a shower cap, you moron... Dear Lord... you're not supposed to wear it there!

_I don't get it, Arty dude._

On your bloody head! Oh God... I'm destined to spend the rest of eternity sorting out these bloody morons... Alfred! Close that bloody shower curtain...

Anyway, Diane. It's Sunday now and the rest of the morons arrived – Hungary, Belgium... ah sweet Belgium... er yes... Estonia, Norway... Denmark and Prussia finally came round. Unfortunately. They seem to think they'd been to an all night party and got wasted. Spain still has no idea what was going on. Russia... well thanks to Erin, he calmed down with a bottle of vodka and a promise that Erin and Lily will visit him in St Petersburg. I have no idea what Vash will say to that – no-one will really as he's now in Alnwick Hospital being treated for very high blood pressure.

_Dude? Who are you talking to?_

Shut up! And close that bloody shower curtain! Bloody hell... And don't forget to wash behind your ears... Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Peter bloody Kirkland is under house arrest. Sweden says he is allowed nowhere unless accompanied by him or his mom... I mean er Finland. I haven't seen Germany since he was set free... bloody Kraut. I bet he's complaining to Chancellor Hitler... er I mean Merkel. I am not totally convinced that there wasn't a second accomplice... Hmmm... I don't quite trust that bloody Pole. I'm sorry but any bloke who goes around wearing a skirt...

_Your brother wears a skirt!_

Shut up! And rinse that shampoo off...

_Why are you in here anyway, Arty? _

It's the only bloody place I get any peace...

_Tell them about my awesome escape..._

Which really wasn't, was it?

_Hell yeah... look at that! That soap bubble looks like France's..._

_(Dictaphone is switched off)_

* * *

><p><em>(Dictaphone is switched on)<em>

Diane it's finally Sunday night and I can bloody well go home. Idiots... oh God... the drinking... Russian bloody folk songs. We all had to keep Russia happy so we all ended up doing Cossack dancing. It was worse though when Gilbert laughed and got a pipe embedded in his head. He's now in hospital – the same ward as Vash – who'd have thought? I think Russia's gone back to St Petersburg now with my bloody sister and... Lily... dear Lord. Austria and Hungary have gone off to see some concert somewhere. Italy and Germany are going on a tour of the south coast... Ha! That bloody Kraut tried doing a tour of my south coast once before... The Nordics buggered off to Jorvik... York... sodding nutters... I hope they left their axes at home. They'll get a shock if they go in the Jorvik Museum.

_(sounds of radio)_

Lalalala ... P..P..Poke her face...lalala... just like a chicken that can sing... weird lyrics... bloody Americans...

Talking of cross-dressing... there's Poland's hire car... I mean really... what's it doing there? Oh, there's someone stood next to it... hang on... I bet Poland and Lithuania broke down.

Hallooooo! Do you need a ride? Well! Latvia! What are you doing here?

_Erm... Mr England... I'm erm... _

I say, old chap.. jump in and I'll give you a ride to the station. Where's Poland and Lithuania? Isn't that their car that got stolen?

_Nav... I mean, no._

Guess what happened this weekend? I mean really... it's a good job, young man, that you weren't there...

_Oh, really?_

Yes... of course I solved the mystery. Nobody can beat the English when it comes to deducing and detecting.

_Oh, really?_

Yes. It's damned weird though, Mr Latvia. When America and Spain were captured... Lily was downstairs and there was giggling and... oh well... who knows?

_Of course, Mr England. I suppose no harm was done in the end, was it?_

**Author's Notes:**

**I'm not going to explain Waterloo or Agincourt (actually Azincourt is its proper name, but all English say Agincourt), however, the Maginot Line was a series of tank fortifications and concrete fortresses built during WWII to keep the invading Germans out...**

**Pepe Le Pew – a cartoon character from Looney Tunes. A French skunk who tours Paris looking for l'amour**

**Cig – British slang term for cigarette**

**The song France is singing is 'Je t'aime ... moi non plus' (French for I love you... me neither) and is very explicit and breathy. It was banned in some countries.**

**Tour of my south coast – England here is referring to the Battle of Britain and Germany's plans on invading the south coast of England during the 2nd World War.**

**And of course well done to SeafoamPurpleCurtains who guessed it was Sealand (or one of them...)**

**In Part I of this story I mentioned Lily saying 'Can I go up to my room?' – I know I was being naughty not giving out many clues – I wondered if anyone would spot that the first victim was Vash and that Lily was erm a little clingy with Austria... then of course I had France dropping a load of clues – small, hairless, someone who's relatively sane, the red stain in the cellars... I was just messing with you all. And of course the biggest clue of them all – France singing 'Beyond the Sea'. Perhaps Francis is far cleverer than we think? And of course the ending I leave to your imagination.**


End file.
